2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Where do disagreements, conflicts and confrontations come from? They arise when a person feels that he is alone in his reality, and that this reality, the only true one for him at this moment, needs to be protected.
Conflicts arise when another representative of the human species standing, sitting or lying next to us does not want to share our reality with us, to enter it. No matter how hard we try to tell the other about our inner landscapes, this other, with all his inherent stubbornness, chooses to stay outside them.
The “Join the Other's Reality” approach does not only work in situations where the enemy is already lighting the fuse of the cannon in front of your eyes. This approach is miraculous. It is applicable in everyday disagreements, when we discuss the actions of mutual acquaintances, pass for travel on the way to work, and we train the cat to the litter box.
The approach "Join the reality of the other" says: instead of opposing your truth to the opponent's truth, you need to take your truth under your arm, mentally approach your opponent, stand next to him and, turning in the same direction as him, continue to solve the problem …
In other words, you need to enter the reality of another person with whom you are currently arguing, “settle” in his energy field, stand up friendly next to him and continue interaction from the position “you and I are at the same time”.
Recently, I noticed how the free and easy flow of interaction burdens the role of the uninvited teacher.
My mom is 60. Like many other women of her age in the modern world, my mom looks longingly at the beaming young faces in the magazine. The other day, an employee sent her a picture. The photo showed a tall and lean elderly model with sharp cheekbones and heartfelt eyes, posing elegantly for the photographer. Under the photograph was Coco Chanel's inspirational statement: "You don't have to be young to look great." Looking at the photo of the model, my mother sat up and said: “Look, what a fit elderly woman is. If I lose three kilograms, I can also be like that."
I had a choice: on the one hand, I wanted to expose this crap consumer industry that humiliates the female body while motivating and frustrating millions of women in their attempt to hide what is a natural part of their nature. I wanted to tell my mother that the wrinkles on the model's face were skillfully retouched, and that all this magazine turmoil is a reason to make complex women fork out for plastic braces. On the other hand, right here, during our conversation, my mother looked at me with joyful and lively eyes. The photo instilled hope in her heart, and against the backdrop of a hard work week that mom had to go through, it looked like a pink cocktail cherry on the cake.
I thought about it and said: "Great photo!"
Proud psychologists like me, as well as those with extensive life experiences, find it difficult to resist advice. We immediately try to teach, pull out, help out. In an attempt to teach and help out, it is easy to forget that the very need to teach and help out is based on the idea that something is wrong with a person the way he manifests himself: at this moment in time, with his disheveled, beating heart. That it must be undoubtedly corrected: after all, with a new vision of the world, it will be protected from mistakes. When we find the determination to approach a person, take a step towards him, stand next to him and turn in the direction of solving the problem from the reality in which he is, we cease to be separate. We no longer inform a person that he is still alone with his suffering.
The “Join the Other's Reality” approach destroys separation, like when you put sugar in tea and both products are mixed to form one.
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