2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
More recently, the Other was not as important to me as it is now. A lot of tension arose next to the Other, from which I wanted to get away by any means: work, household chores, alcohol, or I just went to "distract" to friends, parents … I expected a lot from the Other, I waited as if He totally owed me this is what I must. Inevitably, disappointment, resentment, anger, irritation, devaluation “you are the same as everyone else” or “it turns out you are not such a Prynts” came … The illusion took its toll, and expectations appeared again. Disappointment again. Then the tension. Strong, unbearable, nasty. I have always successfully escaped from him. But it was my "friend", like the Other. It had a purpose, I needed it for something. To understand what I’m running from, what I’m tense from. Another, he is really so different … And he is not always able to accept, understand, support, be similar. Not because weak or stupid, but because the Other. Receiving rejection, I fell on my back, as if from a blow. She lay bleeding, closing her eyes in pain and horror. “How could you do that ?! HOW could you be different from me and my expectations ?! Traitor!"
And then one day, lying in a knockout, I suddenly realized that He is not a Traitor. He's just Other. He just can't … And then I stopped bleeding and dying. I, as in the "matrix", got up and stood firmly on my feet. And at that moment I SAW HIM. Not through a tiny hole of my own expectations, ideas about "what he is", but I saw Him in its entirety. I realized how important he is to me, how valuable he is, precisely because the Other. It's great to be around, being different. How great it is when you don’t want to remake "candy from shit", but you want to know "how are you?" I look at Him and am amazed at how different he is. Thinks differently, speaks differently, moves, loves … And this is the whole World. And he sees the world differently. I wonder how … I realized that the Other is the Universe, with which one can get acquainted with eternity. How can the Other bother or rub in? Only if you block your interest, live with expectations, walk with a stencil to others, devalue the dissimilarity.
And next to him, I realized what I was running from, what I was straining from. After all, only next to the Other am I Living, feeling. And feeling feelings are scary. It turned out to be deadly for me to feel melancholy, sadness, sadness. Once upon a time there were too many of them in my life. And I told myself that I won't let this happen again. It seemed to me that sadness can be sucked into a huge black hole, from where there is only exit to the next world. I gave up this part of me. I cursed my ability to be sad. Sadness is death. But I was deeply mistaken. Death is insensibility. Death is nothing and nothing. This is the emptiness inside you. This is the black hole that sucks in. And then the Other is a threat. Threat to my black holes. The other had to be run. There was a fear or a panic desire to urgently do something with oneself or another, to change something. Do anything, just don't stop and feel. It's dangerous, what if you feel something terrible ?!
Now the Other is important to me. The other is the healing source of feeling. He gives me the opportunity to be Alive. My heart wakes up next to him. And if I stay Near, I will not die, whatever my soul feels. Feelings are the river of Life. Only the Other reveals himself to me, he shows me my Universe. Without the Other, my world cannot be discovered, there is no life in emptiness. The most beautiful experience in life is the experience of being next to the Other. Not absorbing it and not dissolving in it, but just NEARBY. Together, now and here, holding on to His warm hand, breathing in His unique scent, looking into the Ocean, full of secrets and miracles.
I Live Near Another. There is no other way …
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