2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
consultant psychologist, specialist in child psychology, I work with foster children, families
Training for eternal femininity. What are we training?
At least once a week, I receive invitations by mail to attend one or another training "for women". Either the goddess in oneself is offered to be discovered, then to find the light of true femininity, then to learn 100% to attract and keep men near you … The head is spinning from the emerging prospects. Suppose I forgot how old I am, how many children I have and how long I have been married, and went to this training. She discovered the goddess-bereginya in herself, learned to bewitch the peasants, lit up the light of a real woman in her soul (apparently, before that she was not real), and? then what? After all, with this, bewitched-enchanted, somehow you have to live! Not only sleep, but also wake up, somehow talk, manage the household, build relationships. I asked several organizers and participants, they say, is it supposed to further "run the project", that is, to teach a happy life after the wedding?
No no and one more time no. It turns out that after attending these events, I will become so perfect and perfect that my chosen one (apparently, I will also choose from a long list) will take care of everything himself. About money, about the house, about the economy, and my task will only be to decorate his life with myself. Everything. For the happiness of being next to me, any man will lay out his fortune and soul into the bargain.
Something laughter made me out at this place. I imagined this joyful picture … And then I thought: after all, thousands of my contemporaries imagine the finale of the fairy tale entitled "Life is Successful!" - finally, a beautiful Prince (or King, depending on age) was found, who will now support her until the end of her days, adore her, give gifts and solve problems. No, well, what about? In all romance novels, this is written, and in magazines too, and the network is full of recommendations: what and how to do in order to get a guy tied up, tie him to himself and keep him.
You know what?
After all, this is the other side of the same childhood trauma, the search for the Absolutely Ideal Parent, loving, caring, indulgent, the one who loves unconditionally and endlessly.
Let's see what this glossy madame grew out of? And who made a fool of her so, and why?
Hostel of Liberated Women of the East
Each society, starting from primitive communal times, develops within itself a certain pattern of behavior for all categories of the population: this is how the Real Male should look and behave, this is how the Female, separate codes for babies, children, adolescents and the elderly. Much depends on the weather and natural conditions, on the volume of the food supply, the presence or absence of a number of predators or competing communities. These principles are created on the basis of the experience of many generations, while all non-viable patterns are carefully rejected.
By the beginning of the 20th century, several unified models were formed for European residents, with a division along the axes "city-village", "free-slave", "rich-poor". Accordingly, each category had its own characteristics: the correct peasant woman should be healthy, strong and strong (so that she could work in the field and give birth to many children), and, for example, the correct city woman should at least be able to read and count, but be sure to sew and lead. economy. Do you understand the principle? The standard of external and internal content, which was invested in the concept of "femininity", was determined primarily by economic conditions. For a rich free city woman with a dowry, the appearance and behavior was not the most handsome, the poor woman without a dowry must be young and sweet, otherwise she will remain in the old maidens.
Although love has not been canceled.
Let me note in passing that in Russia there has never been such discrimination against women as we observed until very recently in Europe and America: few people realize that the entire feminist movement grew up on the almost complete absence of civil rights among half of the country's free population. We never dreamed of asking my husband for a work permit, to open a bank account, to travel with children
Not with the FORMER, but with an acting, current husband
After the October Revolution in our country, women were equal in rights with men in fact … And besides the economic motive (the husband alone could no longer support the family, and many of them were driven into the war and terror), there was also an important ideological background: women began to receive education, vote in elections, and lead.
As a result of all these efforts, three generations of women and men have grown up in the USSR, who do not even think of being supported by someone. Marriages were concluded mainly for love, with a dowry, with rare exceptions, no one had, divorce became a common and easy thing. The woman was perceived as a "fighting friend", as a "comrade in work", a partner in work. Housing, recreation, looking after children was provided by the state (which was thought of as a Super-Parent), therefore the role of a man as a provider and protector of family interests in society was gradually leveled out, washed out.
But relationships in families were most often just partnerships. Common interests, common hobbies, most often - one student company, trips, difficulties experienced together. The position of the "head of the family" was purely nominal, the income of the spouses was comparable, the responsibilities were the same, except that the women got more trouble with the household, but as you agree, all my friends had fathers to take care of children and the house in full. Only a few could afford a non-working wife, usually either big bosses, or people of "creative professions."
And then the Soviet Union collapsed. For economic reasons. And for economic reasons, the family, as a cell of the state, again did a backflip and reappeared in the old, almost forgotten version: husband-breadwinner and wife-housewife.
This coup took place so swiftly, so many things were broken overnight that they simply did not have time to come up with an ideology. As they say, in the absence of a stamp, we write in simple, and as a role model was taken a morally outdated, but still insanely attractive glossy picture from Hollywood films of the 50s, let's call it conditionally "The Stepford Wife". (See the meaning of the term on Wikipedia)
Fresh ribbon in your hair
A businesslike and very serious husband has breakfast with a newspaper (the modern analogue is a tablet), then he takes a briefcase, kisses his wife on the cheek (the wife faithfully waves a handkerchief, she is wearing a cute peignoir, slippers with a puff, she is slightly dyed and very fresh), and leaves for office. The wife stays at home, gives assignments to the servants, goes shopping (not to Auchan for groceries, like you, jewelry, cosmetics, light shopping), meets with her friends for lunch in fashionable coffee shops, visits a beauty salon and waits for her husband from work. In the evening, her husband comes, they have supper, he tells her about business, she flaps her eyelashes admiringly, but is silent, because what to tell her about? Everything is terribly worthy and "like people." Sometimes they go to visit or receive guests at their place. Men discuss business, wives exchange recipes and brag about children's successes
That's just one thing glossy magazines forgot to report. About the most severe depression in which these poor beauties plunge pretty soon. Their life, in fact, turns out to be morally difficult, empty and completely meaningless. When the first delight of owning (a husband, a house, all these beautiful and amazing things from catalogs) descends, a void arises that needs to be filled with something. Normally, some kind of work becomes the content of life, whether it is raising numerous children (precisely numerous, one or two grow up too quickly), or some kind of business, work.
And our happy married woman cannot work under the terms of the contract, not for that she grew femininity in herself, let other fools work in from dawn to dawn, I'm Prynessa here, not Cinderella!
In fairy tales, both ancient and modern, the culmination of the plot is the wedding. After long ordeals, trials, hardships, the heroine finally finds happiness in the arms of the beautiful Hero. The magic formula “And they lived happily ever after” is pronounced many times, and also about “found their half”. As if having found your right person in the huge world, you become whole, complete, finally and irrevocably ideal. As if an alliance with him is a guarantee against any worries and troubles.
But we live in the real world. No matter how wonderful our chosen one is, he is only a person, and not a tool for achieving other people's goals.
"A noble husband is not a tool"
- said Confucius, referring first of all to the noblest husband. But how often today we hear from girls of varying degrees of attractiveness: “I have invested so much work in MYSELF that he now has to …”. The following is a list of what exactly the owner of this unearthly beauty should. At the very least, make her happy, provide, support
The trouble is that no one can MAKE anyone happy, this is an internal state of mind, you can come to it on your own, again, through work and overcoming yourself. But the fantasy that someone almighty will take and make happy … provided that you behave yourself.
"If you are a good girl, I'll take you to the cinema and buy ice cream." But you're not five years old. And what does it mean to be a good girl now? To be beautiful? To be young, silly, sweet? Or be obedient? Or - on the contrary - to develop a bitch in yourself? And what, they write that many men like it
A husband may get tired at work, his stomach or legs may hurt, he also wants to be taken care of, he may be confused or scared. But all this does not count. Someone instilled in the poor silly girl that her husband is such an absolute sponsor, an ATM, a chauffeur and an old man Hottabych all rolled into one. "I am a girl and I have the right!"
As a newborn baby, it is absolutely all the same how the mother feels, he screams and demands milk.
So we came to where we started: what is now presented as the idea of femininity, which allows you to suck and parasitize on a man, is nothing more than mimicry, an attempt to portray what you are not: a baby. After all, a baby is an object of constant, vigilant and completely disinterested care, a parasite in its purest embodiment (if the ass is washed in time). All you need is to have round cheeks, big eyes, a plump body and a gentle mouth. The case is ready, an unconscious program embedded in the BIOS turns on in adults, and the parent simply cannot behave otherwise.
And you say - advertising, business strategies, marketing!
It's just parasitism. Teach women to portray babies, and men with strong paternal radicals will start protective behavior. Isn't it a method?
Only to pay for this all-encompassing care and all-inclusive has to be complete submission (babies have no rights), total control, the absence of their own, separate life. Did you want him to call you "baby"? Please, just now do not complain that it requires an account of expenses and can cancel any of your plans. Who pays, he chooses the hotel, did not know?
Have you seen how the mother drags an obstinate two-year-old baby by the scruff of his neck? Just about, he also thought that the navel of the earth.
The Stepford wives eventually rioted, pulled their university degrees from the nightstands, and rewrote the laws. Our dolls are still playing "I'm a good hostess." Let's see how long their childhood will last.
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