What True Love Is Not. Myths About True Love

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Many people who cannot build strong and stable relationships for a long period of time, are unable to choose a partner, make a mature decision about marriage and starting a family, simply not only have no experience of healthy relationships, but have not seen them in their lives. … As a rule, they observed the behavior of parents in a divorce or family quarrel.

There may be another situation - each parent was concerned exclusively with his own life, there were no common interests in the family. Accordingly, the child is not able to understand the questions: What kind of relationship does the parents have? How did they even meet? Do they love each other, because outwardly no relationship is noticeable at all? From the side of the parents, the child's entire adult life looked ideal, but when he was 15-20 years old, for some reason they divorced. Or the clarification of the relationship between the father and the mother always took place quietly and behind a closed door, so the child could not figure out what happened and why.

So, what happens at this stage with the inner state of a person? He tries to compensate for the lack of visual experience with information from various sources - as a rule, these are love stories (Cinderella, fairy tales of beautiful princesses, etc.) and romantic American films with a happy ending.

True happiness takes hard work, however, so to make your life more realistic and happier, you need to understand and debunk the myths of true love.

True love is always love at first sight

In general, today this myth is practically debunked - each of us has come across people who fell in love with their future partner not the second or even the third time. There are also situations where love arises when a person is seemingly in a long and stable relationship with another partner, or was able to see and appreciate his one only after some time after meeting.

The important thing to remember here is that some people take a long time to fully relax in their hearts and then trust the other person. Only after complete inner tranquility will they be able to say: "Yes, I love this person!"

There are quite a few people in the world today with various deep traumas (especially attachment trauma), so it is impossible to trust in a split second. On the contrary, quite often situations arise when a relationship that began with an insane love at first sight, just as quickly and fade away. Why is this happening? In fact, this is idealization and devaluation of a partner, but in reality there is no strong and deep affection and sincere love.

It may be that people fall in love at first sight, but then they work long and hard on their relationships, cultivating their love step by step, constantly moving towards each other and learning the most secret thoughts. A period of disappointment passes, a period of irritation - and true love sets in.

Most people still believe in the halves theory. It is a fabulous myth that once upon a time each of us was physically connected to our partner, but then a terrible catastrophe happened that divided us. Since then, all people "wander" around the world in search of their soul mate. However, if this were the case, until now, people simply would not have been able to meet their partner, fall in love and start a family. Today, the world wide web gives an unlimited number of options to find your love all over the world - dating sites and various chats allow you to communicate with people from Canada, Austria, New Zealand, America, etc. If a person is destined by fate to have one and only partner, he will certainly be able to find him; but if there was no internet, the couple would not have been able to reunite.

Alas, this wonderful theory is false. Each person independently makes a decision about their purpose in life and chooses a soul mate. Nothing and nowhere is written about who will be your soul mate - neither God nor the Universe. It is important to understand that we ourselves choose a partner to whom our soul responds.

Do not set yourself an unbearable task - to consider, relatively speaking, God's intention. Take responsibility for your choices, find someone who is good enough for you, and build strong relationships.

The object of love is the one and only person

This is from the category of idealization and devaluation - you have to find the perfect person who will suit you in everything and suit you at every point. You will never swear and conflict with him, there will be no anger at each other. Firstly, you simply will not allow yourself to show such feelings in relation to your loved one, and secondly, if your partner gets angry about something, you will have a firm conviction that the closest person has stopped loving you. This opinion is erroneous. Love and anger are inseparable companions, and this is quite normal. If in a relationship with your partner you at least periodically do not feel angry, then there is no relationship.

The partner may have a character flaw, you may be irritated in response to some of his actions, disappointed. It is important that you are comfortable and pleasant to be around this person. Relatively speaking, more than 50% of the time spent with a loved one should not be a burden for you. If this is not the case, you should not deliberately deify your partner or get stuck in a showdown of the relationship, when you generally look in different directions and do not understand each other at all. Look around and find a person with whom you will be really comfortable and calm in any situation.

So, if you have been striving to sort out the relationship for some time, trying to find a common language with your partner, but you see that everyone remains unconvinced, this is an indicator that your one and only has ceased to be so.

True love is everlasting

It's no secret that 80-90% of couples live together for only a few years and leave. The famous systemic family psychotherapist Anna Varga in her article spoke about the history of the family system model. Around the 1960s, when divorce was resolved, the “together and forever” model of family relationships slowly began to fall apart. By the mid 70s. the following family model was formed - “consistent monogamy” (a person lives with one partner for several years, then diverges, finds another and builds new relationships). In fact, there has never been a story of eternal love, just couples could not get divorced before, and besides, this was not approved by society. Relatively speaking, "dirty linen was not taken out in public", people continued to live together without mutual feelings, but at the same time fell in love with others and cheated on their partners.

The story of eternal love is romantic tales of Cinderella, American melodramas, stories that end "and they lived happily ever after." However, no one tells how long and happily the characters lived, what their happiness looked like - clearly this is not a frozen picture in the form of a kiss on the whole screen. Life involves dynamics and different feelings, experiences, events and meetings - this is normal.

Unlimited self-sacrifice, rejection of one's own interests

This is probably one of the most terrifying myths, although many people are now addicted to psychology and psychotherapy. Giving up on yourself and becoming a victim is pretty dangerous.

Often we do not notice how relationships completely absorb us, taking all our free time and making us their humble slave (we stopped meeting friends, put our hobbies aside, haven't read for a long time, forgot about our favorite food, don't watch movies, etc.). As a rule, in a couple, partners stop taking care of themselves - unhealthy diet, bad habits. Most of this happens unconsciously (especially if you are prone to addictive behavior and dependence). At the very beginning of a relationship, people are merged and exhibit codependent behaviors (even if they are actually counterdependent).

Observe yourself; analyze where you lose yourself as a person, where you follow your partner, not understanding your personal desires and not including awareness and energy.

All these points are very important. Why? More often than not, relationships in which partners sacrifice themselves in order to "be together" quickly disintegrate, ending at the boy-girl stage. In addition, people begin to suffer from various psychosomatic diseases - when we lose ourselves in relationships, we lose not only our body, but our life as a whole.

The opposite situation - a person lives in a world of illusion ("Everything is fine in a relationship. We are so similar, we like the same things, we do everything together. I no longer love my friends, I don’t need them! And my hobby is no longer arouses interest. The only thing that really interests me is what are you doing? Let's do it together!"

Such a strong fusion in a pair leads to the utter and unforgivable blindness of partners to each other. In the end, an epiphany comes when a person learns that the partner cheated on him most of the relationship.

Love must be earned

In the countries of the post-Soviet space, a way of thinking has taken root that the maximum of suffering forms true and great love. The mentality of Russian-speaking people or those who grew up / were born in the distant USSR implies a sacrificial model of behavior - they completely forget about themselves and completely surrender to other people. Accordingly, if I have suffered (a) all these feelings, it means that love is real; otherwise, something is wrong in the relationship. This mistaken belief is so deeply stuck in our minds that a good guy who does not drink, does not smoke, and earns decent money is not physically attracted to a woman. And only experiencing a derogatory attitude towards herself (including domestic violence), she is convinced that she is loved.

The world around us is quite narcissistic, so if we do not do something for the other person, we are not good enough for him, we will not be loved. Basically, all adult relationships are based on these beliefs, and that's okay. However, the opinion “they will not love me” becomes so important and priority that a person forgets about himself as a person. As a result, a stalemate arises - if a person in a relationship tries to adapt to his partner, he will not be able to love and respect him. You can't earn love through suffering either - no one likes to hurt another person (unless both partners are psychopaths).

Love is the salvation from loneliness

It is unbearable for a person to be alone, so he tries to find a partner so that it is not so scary. As a rule, the full depth of this belief is not realized by our consciousness.

True love equals quality sex by default. Great sex the first time - partners are perfect for each other

Alas, good sexual contact from the first time is very rare today, especially for those who have not been in a relationship for a long time. Our neural connections are used to receiving pleasure in a certain way, and changing the script will affect the nature of the orgasm. Accordingly, great and pure love does not always mean high-quality sex at once. It takes at least a year to grind in sexual relations, and only after that it is possible to judge whether partners are sexually suitable for each other.

In addition, it is the tumultuous sexual experience in the relationship that testifies more to passion than love. Strong excitement and attraction (to the point of insanity) captures us only in relation to destructive individuals who are completely unsuitable for relationships. For a long and stable relationship, you need a quiet and calm love. However, this does not mean that the level of passion for a partner should be at "zero", the average is quite enough.

True love is positive and joyful feelings, always euphoria and mutual understanding. If, however, there is some kind of negative in relation to the partner, this phenomenon is short-lived and quickly passes

In order for the negative attitude towards the partner to pass, the couple needs to communicate more, to understand the needs of each. A long-term and stable relationship is not one hundred percent pleasure. For about 5 years (from the second to the seventh year of the relationship), partners arrange a showdown, criticize each other, distance themselves, become disappointed and irritated in the actions of each. But even at a distance, and distancing emotionally, people can continue to love each other.

Feverish euphoria and the constant feeling of "butterflies and rainbows" in the stomach do not at all indicate the normal and sincere feelings of partners.