"Mom Doesn't Order Me To Be Beautiful." Or What Stops Movement In Life

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Believe it or not, all coaching is based on the idea that a person understands what he wants and can achieve it. To my great surprise, - and psychotherapy - this big, serious science is sharpened so that a person learns to understand his desires and fulfill them.

I wanted it - I went and did it. And at the same time he still managed to be adequate to the surrounding reality and his own needs.

What's so hard about that?

Want.

And who told you that you have the right to want?

That your desires will not turn out to be so terrible that you yourself will not be dumbfounded by this horror? After all, you may want something really terrible. And then it's even scary to imagine what will happen.

Don't even try to grope your desires. There are always the desires of the majority - correct, verified by generations, approved by literate, intelligent people. Who are you?

What if you want something so … shameful … and then what? Do not wash yourself forever. Everyone will be ashamed.

What if what you want is at odds with the interests of those close to you? Are you ready to do this to them?

What stops a person from even admitting his own desires? Unwillingness to experience hard feelings - horror, shame, guilt

Any movement in life is a movement towards something important, you need.

If what you are moving towards meets your true desires, it satisfies your needs and gives you what you need, then you experience the satisfaction and fulfillment of a person who received what he wanted. You feel the pleasure of life.

If you move in the wrong direction, then even satisfying socially significant positions, you do not get pleasure. It is always "past the box office". Your needs are not being met. If you feed the wrong need, satiety does not come. For example, you can gorge yourself on chocolate, but if you want sex, it won't get any easier. Or the most gorgeous sex does not replace love and relationships. Or sex with the wrong person does not bring joy, even if it seems hungry. I wanted Kiev cutlets, but we ate borsch with donuts. It seems like the food is there and there, but the satisfaction did not come.

Why suddenly horror, shame and guilt? What makes you feel like this?

The conflict of our desires with the attitudes absorbed from childhood. Often completely unconscious by us.

With what was suggested directly or gradually by a mother, grandmother, aunt, a school teacher, a neighbor at the entrance, a camp counselor or aunt from TV. That significant female figure who was perceived by our pliant childish consciousness almost like a mother. She said "how to live", how "good girls", "real men", "best friends", "good mothers" behave … add your own))

And these attitudes continue to live in our thirty, forty and fifty-year-old head in an unchanged, original form.

It is on them that we focus when we make decisions - "you can want it or not", "go or not go", "do, do not do". What Aunt Zina said when you were 5 years old.

And this "clock checking" happens unconsciously and instantly. We are, as it were, checking today's desires against the previously installed program. And if the system does not let the desires pass, we are covered with the above-mentioned feelings in turn - one after another.

Horror-

first instant reaction. "And what right, I am a trembling creature, can I want anything at all?" Sit down and don't blather. Shut up. You will bring me to the grave with your activity. What do you want my death? You will bring the mother, you will bring it. I will go to the grave with you ahead of time.

None of these phrases pop up in my head. To understand them, to hear them, you have to get to the bottom of them.

We check our desires unconsciously, and if there is a risk that they will cause terror, then we abandon them instantly. Often - even from the right to want something. And then the person no longer follows him.

But if you manage to be afraid of your desire to want something and even survive this horror of discovering yourself and your desires, then you can move on.

Shame-

I completely rubbed my shame! And look what she's in mind! No shame, you have no conscience! Yes, so that my eyes do not see you, shameless! Look at yourself - what kind of mother are you ?! Another girl, called! There is nothing to twist your tail here! There was no such thing in our family! Have grown on your own head!

To shame our master at all times. This art is transmitted with minor amendments by kindergarten teachers like a pennant. Chilling to death seems to be the task of all teachers, and to this day, shame is considered the best motivation in school.

For many mothers, even very young ones, shame is the best regulator of their child's behavior. Look how ashamed I am for you. Here you will …, then the boys (girls) will laugh at you. And are you not ashamed?

In sessions with a psychotherapist, there is a lot of personal, inspired shameful, often completely absurd, which makes a person abandon his own desires and goals.

If I manage to endure and live through shame, experience this feeling and make my own choice - to understand what I want and accept it, then I manage to move on.

To the ability not only to think about your desires, but also to perform actions. Do something to make them happen.

And here, excuse me, he meets wine.

Guilt-

this feeling accompanies any choice. By choosing something, we are giving up the other. And we feel guilty. Choosing to go for a walk with the boy instead of helping mom; choosing to go on vacation with her husband instead of spending this time with the children; choosing a book instead of watching a movie with her husband; choosing a job instead of studying with a child or staying with a child instead of work - we always feel guilty. Simply because there is an option that must be discarded.

And the question is - to what extent we can do this guilt. Are we able to live and survive it. And make an adult, conscious decision - to follow your choice, to take actions or "stay within the bounds of what is permitted."

But if the block of the system is so large that it does not allow one to approach this third step, then fantasies remain fantasies - a person knows what he wants, but does not go further. Takes no action.

And here, as elsewhere, there are attitudes, thanks to which a choice is made unconsciously towards abandoning one's desires and intentions.

Good people don't do that. A real mother would never do that. A good wife will endure. A good daughter will stay with her mother. Carry your cross to the end. Since it is written in the family … You cannot build your happiness on someone else's misfortune. This is how it is accepted in our family.

Mental health is considered to be the ability to experience feelings of horror, shame and guilt and to make informed choices

Blocking your own desires and needs directly affects a person's physical health

The energy activated in the body to satisfy the need is never wasted as intended and returns back to the body, creating a painful physical symptom.

All acute, sudden pains are the body's reaction to the dissatisfaction of the arisen need.

For example, a sudden headache or a desire for no reason at all to sleep when it seems that you need to be active - these are two types of body reaction to the unwillingness to even reveal its needs. Not wanting to face the horror of finding yourself and your needs.

Psychotherapists identify a whole list of psychosomatic diseases, the reason for which is the refusal of the individual to satisfy his needs and follow himself. And this list is growing every year. Such a terrible and ominous disease as cancer is also one of them.

Depending on the stage at which the person rejected his needs and desires - at the stage of only revealing himself as a separate person with needs; at the stage of awareness - what do I really want; or at the stage of action - a certain symptom is formed, which is deployed in a specific organ and, with long-term repetitions, develops into a psychosomatic illness.

Examples of psychosomatic diseases: migraines, diseases of the thyroid gland, respiratory system, biliary dyskinesia, diseases of the pancreas, diseases of the joints and muscles of the musculoskeletal system, skin diseases, eczema.

A person pays dearly for giving up his own needs and desires. Man pays with his body

A person's inability to live through painful feelings - horror, shame, guilt - associated with any process of discovering their desires and actions to implement them, blocking their sensitivity, rejecting personal choices in favor of attitudes instilled from childhood, leads both to mental dissatisfaction with oneself and his life, and to very specific physical diseases.

It is natural for humans to alienate their needs, because for the survival of the population as a whole, it is important that society has a set of rules of behavior that are transmitted from generation to generation and provide a certain "order". But for the survival of an individual, for his mental and physical health, it is important to hear himself. And this "self" very often runs counter to attitudes, creating an internal conflict and causing feelings of horror, shame and guilt. Unwillingness to face these heavy feelings makes a person instantly and often completely unconsciously make a choice in the direction of giving up their desires. Hence the dissatisfaction with oneself and one's life and the lack of motivation to go towards seemingly very important and necessary goals.

Coaching and psychotherapy begins with the question "What do you want?"

To find out what a person really wants, what is behind his "I need" a psychotherapist may not have a single session.

The process of unfreezing needs and discovering oneself is akin to birth, it takes time, the revival of the personality occurs layer by layer. First, the body comes to life, symptoms appear, a person begins to hear his body, and it is happy to "talk" with him))

Then feelings appear - exactly what was repressed comes to life.

And what is usually supplanted in our country? That's right - that which is not very pleasant and least of all you want to see and know. All kinds of aggressive feelings come up. From irritation to rage. The personality comes to life. And a person begins to present bills to everyone who was and is in his life.

The symptoms behind these feelings disappear. Feelings are revived and recognized, and the body heals.

Instead of living his feelings at the level of the body, with the help of symptoms and diseases, a person begins to express them.

Therefore, when, instead of experiencing a terrible headache, the client begins to make claims against business partners and say unpleasant but truthful things, this is progress.

A person learns to hear himself and understand his needs, formulate them into desires and make an informed choice. He learns to live the whole gamut of feelings associated with this choice, and to take concrete steps towards his goals.

He can already rely on himself, and not on the attitudes instilled in childhood.

Life becomes more lively and interesting. Despite the mass of mistakes and the recognition of their imperfection, the pleasure of life increases.

The quality of life itself is increasing.

I think this is the real benefit of psychotherapy and coaching.

That a person can fully live his life.