Do Not Trust, Do Not Fear, Do Not Ask! Woland's Trap

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

… never ask for anything! Never and nothing, and especially with those who are stronger than you. They themselves will offer and they themselves will give everything!

M. A. Bulgakov

Do not trust, do not fear, do not ask

Here are two maxims that have inspired generations. They are often given to me as an irrefutable argument. One has only to ask the question "Do you know how to ask?", How many automatically give out one of them or both at once. They inform me about this quite seriously, forgetting that the first advice is given by the devil, and the second "wisdom" is developed by the harsh laws of prison-camp life. Yes, Woland in Mikhail Afanasyevich's novel is truly devilishly charming, but this does not stop him from being a tempting demon. And the reality of the camp, together with criminal pseudo-romanticism, penetrated into our life long ago and seriously, but are you sure that you want to consider such a life the norm?

Why is it so difficult for us to ask for help? I asked my acquaintances, clients, friends and colleagues, and there were seven reasons. A good number.

1. The most simple and straightforward. We were not taught this

In infancy, you get everything on your own - warmth, love, food, comfort, without even having time to think about it, let alone ask. Well, somewhere deep inside there is a feeling that this is how it should be. "They" themselves must guess that you are cold and finally close this terrible window. It is even more difficult for those of us whose unfortunate parents tried to educate according to Dr. Spock (so that he hiccups in the next world). My mother told me that in her book, which in their mother's days was revered as the only Bible for advanced parents (and there were no others), Dr. Benjamin recommended letting the child shout properly, they say, then he would fall asleep. True, according to her stories, I could yell until I turned blue, so these experiments with me were quickly stopped. And after all, whole generations of naturally not so stubborn children have been taught from birth that ask, do not ask, there will be no sense.

Now, thanks to the new theories, there are more and more mothers who are sensitive to the slightest "requests" of their babies, although sometimes they have a very hard time. This phenomenon also has its side effect; a new stage of development is often missed. Since any need is satisfied at the first squeak or even a plaintive glance, there is no need to ask. And the skill is not developed. Sometimes these children begin to speak much later. They have no such need. Just like in the old English joke "Before that everything was all right."

So, it may be difficult for us to ask for help, because there is no skill to open my mouth and verbalize what I want.

2. What was the reaction to our requests?

Let's say we have learned to articulate our needs. What's next? How did our loved ones react to this? "Leave me alone!" "Not now!" "Wait!" "Not up to you!" As always, I exaggerate, we can all respond to an untimely request in this way. It's about bounce rate and how we do it. And any extreme is harmful here.

If all my requests are dismissed, of course, I will quickly realize that asking is useless. If all my requests are fulfilled, and immediately, I completely forget that the wording "I ask …" involves two reactions - consent or refusal. An idea settles in my head that it is worth telling a person “I want this”, well, as a last resort, add “please”, as he will immediately do it. I don't even think that he might refuse me. I asked!

Going into a big life with the idea of “asking is useless,” we silently fight ourselves, because we know there is no sense in asking. If “please” seems to us like a magic wand, then either those around them surrender in front of our childish confidence that we are supposed to, and then we get a lot of goodies from this life. Or we quickly realize that not everyone is in a hurry to help us and we lock ourselves in proud silence - the world is cruel and unfair. Either we become adults and understand that a) if you don’t ask, most likely, you won’t get it, and b) a request differs from an order in that a request can be refused.

3. I can't say no

It often follows from point two that it can be very difficult for those who do not know how to refuse to ask. If I am not able to tell a person “I cannot” in response to his request, it is very difficult for me to ask for help myself. After all, for me "request" = "order", and to ask for something means to drive a person into a corner.

4. Pride is a great sin

Those who never ask anyone or anything usually consider themselves modest people who are most afraid of disturbing their neighbor. When I say that “don't ask” is just pride, clients tend to be violently resentful. But in fact it is. If I never refuse requests to my neighbors or distant ones, and I don’t address them myself, then I consider them … How could I put it mildly? People are not too worthy. Unlike myself, of course.

Most often, this process occurs unconsciously. What pride is there? I am the most modest of all the modest guys put together. This is exactly the case when humiliation is more than pride.

“Jewish mothers” of whatever nationality and gender are involved in this leaven. “How many people does a Jewish mother need to screw in a light bulb? No one. - Go, kids, walk, I'll sit in the dark. Her main pride is suffering and sacrifice. Well, what the hell is a victim of you if you asked to screw in a light bulb, and they screwed it to you? All business for five minutes, the light is on and there is no emotional profit. For those close to you, the most unpleasant thing is that the bill will most likely be presented - "I gave you my whole life."

5. To ask is to open up

Making a request often means removing the mask of omnipotence and unbearable lightness of being. So far I do not ask for anything and, in general, do not show my problems in any way - I am a fairy, with whom it is a pleasure to communicate. Sheer purity, beauty and magic pollen. And then suddenly "sorry, where is the toilet?" or "will you have $ 20 for the bus?" Not every fey image can withstand it, I'm not talking about real macho. There is cognitive dissonance.

Many of us associate asking for help with weakness. Well, of course, this means - I can't do EVERYTHING myself. And an ideal, self-sufficient person in a vacuum, of course, can. He is born himself, he breastfeeds himself, teaches reading, writing and many more wisdom, he finds himself a job and works without the slightest outside help, gives birth to children for himself (regardless of gender), brings them up himself, loves and hugs himself (not to mention anything else), he himself solves all material and emotional problems and then quietly dies by himself, without burdening others.

And no one likes the weak. Who needs them - evolutionary rubbish? "A husband loves a healthy wife and a rich sister." True, for every "folk wisdom" there is another wisdom with a screw. How do you like this: “we love people for the good that we have done for them”? Are you sure you don't want to be loved?

6. Fear of rejection

It is better not to ask for anything, and not because they themselves will give everything, but because then the illusion persists that if he asked, he probably would have given. Hope remains, and we prefer it to reality. I remembered the anecdote. My husband lost his wallet. The wife asks: "Have you looked in your portfolio?" "I was looking for". "And in your jacket pocket?" "I was looking for". "And in your inner pocket?" "I was looking for" "Did you look in the car?" "No. If he’s not there, I’ll go crazy.”

An ordinary illusion of the possible. Until I wrote a single novel, I am a genius writer, while I have no children, I am an ideal mother. There is another factor in the requesting situation. I make a real request to a real person, and he refuses me. Why? He cannot, does not want, his head hurts, there is no time, it is simply not in his power. You never know the reasons. But in my head they all merge into one - they refused ME, because I AM BAD. Another illusion has been shattered. If a person has a tendency to negative generalizations, and this is a fairly standard trap of thinking, then a couple of refusals and the job is ready. The theorem “you shouldn't ask because nobody cares about me” is proven.

7. The last straw

For many, asking for help is an extreme option. Before that, you have to try yourself to the seventh sweat, through I can’t and until you are completely exhausted. If you, of course, are a real person, and not a slob. Then, when you are already on the edge of the abyss, you can decide to ask. It is no longer so shameful, or in this situation, shame is simply not one of those emotions that you can afford. Often in this state, men turn for help. In complete crisis, destroyed into trash, scattered by an explosion to the farthest corners of the universe. Because "the boys don't cry" and handle everything on their own. I wouldn't have come six months earlier …

Please do not lead yourself to such a situation. Call for help at least three steps before the abyss. For one simple reason. The request may be refused. Remember? And then the world and you with it fly into the abyss. Because all resources have already been burned out without a trace, this is the last opportunity. Obviously, it is not the last one, but you no longer have the strength to realize this and come up with the next option.

Almost all of us have periods when it seems that you cannot afford any weakness. Because you have to pull, and there is no one else to pull this cart. But usually, even inside this action, you can find another hour for weakness and relaxation. True, for this you have to turn your head around and find who you can still ask for help. Well, learn to pronounce these words, of course.