Relationship Trauma

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why this topic. I think it is significant for several reasons, which I will now share with you: Psychotrauma in relationships is something that happened to almost every person. In my practice and in my life, I rarely meet people who have not had a relationship ending. Relationships ended and how a person experienced them will have an impact on his entire future life. Incomplete relationships are the stone and the burden that weighs on the soul and pulls with force to the bottom of loneliness. In any case, past relationships influence us and form beliefs about what they should be in the future and whether we want it or not, we begin to attract problems in the present. And lastly, knowledge is power, as they say, and if aware, then armed. A happy, full-fledged life largely depends on whether a person has gone through all the phases of psychotrauma and experienced them. Of course, knowledge alone will not give you complete freedom, but it will certainly bring you closer to it.

In the psychological literature, there are five phases of the course of mental trauma. The first is shock and denial, the second, a breakthrough of feelings or an emotional phase-stage, the third is my favorite unemotional phase, when the clients with whom I worked say that I went through everything well, left the relationship behind, and there are no new ones, or they still say: There are many men-lovers, but the only one is not. Such statements indicate that the trauma of the relationship has not been experienced. The next is the most unpleasant and difficult stage of depression, then the stage of grief and regret over what happened and the last stage of exit and recovery, I call it resource. And now everything is in order.

1. The phase of shock and denial. A person cannot believe in any way what happened, what happened. There are several important points here. The end of the breakup does not happen out of the blue. Your relationship was at an impasse and in crisis. Maybe they have become more monotonous, more boring, passion has gone, love faded, etc. Out of the blue, the relationship does not end. It is rare for both partners to sit across from each other and talk frankly and honestly about problems. It is very rare that often someone alone and it does not matter whether a man or a girl, the woman is the initiator of the gap. All this speaks of the accumulated and not discussed unspoken problems. By the way, I can tell you, now, about the dynamics of relations in a nutshell. The romance of the relationship is present at most for a year, but more often it lasts from three to 6 months and after that both decide whether to prolong the relationship further or round off. This period is called the candy-bouquet period. And many naively believe that everything will continue like this for the rest of their lives: the spouse will give flowers to buy gifts, the spouse will dress smartly to take care of herself and update her outfits. They will go to restaurants, cafes, bars, passionate revelations and kisses under the moon. But after this year, pairing relationships, marital relations begin. So, now about denial, which is expensive and will cost for those who will continue to build relationships of the same type. The girl does not believe in the first hours, or even days, that her dear and beloved person in quotes came one morning or evening and said: “All our relations are at a dead end, they are over, we are leaving or collect our belongings and look for yourself housing or I'm leaving. In this case, one may be sincerely sad, while the other or the other will be in complete shock. And the reaction of shock is primary in the dynamics of psychotrauma of relationships. The person is in complete shock, he has no words, his throat is dry, his heart is beating at two hundred beats per minute, the head is wadded, a lump in the throat, nausea, his legs give way, he (she) seems to fall into this state and cannot believe in any way, that she was abandoned. And the feeling of unbelief can last for a very long time, this is a protective psychological mechanism that each of us has. And if we do not begin to accept what has happened, and this process is painful and difficult, sometimes very difficult, then we will not build a new relationship. The first thing that will be this lack of motivation is not a banal desire. And I often hear the phrase “Well, it’s not worth it for men” when I work individually, advise. This is one of the consequences of not accepting what happened and what happened. And the psychologist works to get the client to begin the painful phase of psychotherapy - accepting the breakup. And then the work is built up to full acceptance until the complete internal psychological completion of the relationship, because only a person is able to build normal healthy happy relationships. Yes, it will be necessary to remember, to return to the unpleasant, but only in order to leave all this in the past once and for all. Since if we do not forgive the person who abandoned us, we will not leave all feelings and much more and, running further, we will remember the relationship with gratitude, then there is NO LIGHT TO YOU of a good warm, full of love relationship! After all, not lived psychotraumas directly prevent the emergence of new relationships. !!!! So, in order for you to understand, the first reaction is SHOCK and you don't believe that it happened.

2. The phase of the breakthrough of feelings. Or it is also called the emotional phase. This phase, I would say cardinal, is often on it, and they get stuck and do not move on. And what a new relationship can be if you remember pain, disappointment, suffering, guilt, shame, as well as self-flagellation, blaming yourself or your partner, and so on. In this phase, the range of feelings is very diverse and multifaceted. Aggression, anger, hatred is often manifested. Yes, fights, scandals showdown occurs precisely in the second phase. Writing a statement to the court for the division of property, a statement to the police against the husband of a rowdy and a domestic rapist - ALL THIS is the second phase. !!!! She may have time boundaries from three months to a year, and with no relationship to the present. I'll run a little harm about diagnostics. At my trainings and consultations, people said that everything had passed and they did not feel anything and did not regret the past, but it was only necessary to talk a little longer, for example, about a husband, lover, partner, then feelings and emotions flooded again, surrounded, enveloped or piled like a snowball … What I want to tell you is that the absence of vivid experiences does not mean that there are none. And it says that they hid deep in the unconscious, they were displaced by your brain as painful and unnecessary, and if you press on a sore callus, it will hurt again. In this phase, a person begins to abuse alcohol, arranges parties, discos, restaurants, casual sex, spending money on clothes, in general, on anything a woman does in order to forget to get rid of tormenting feelings and experiences from her head.

3. The phase is unemotional. At this stage, such a psychological defense mechanism works very powerfully: as I was there honey and drank beer, it flowed down my mustache, but did not get into my mouth. Nothing happened to me, but I left this bastard or he didn't matter to me, but there were showdowns and there were feelings, but everything is fine with me. This is a clear indication of this phase. I often say in my consultations (therapy sessions): there was an explosion, the person crawled away from the epicenter of the explosion, his hands were somehow okay, his legs were safe, he seemed alive, healthy and well, but what about there, in his soul, and this is the tenth thing. In this phase, a person sincerely believes that everything has already ended, a divorce, the property has occurred, the children are paying alimony with me. Another year passes, but there was no happy life with a ring on his finger, and there is no loneliness, emptiness is unnecessary, forgetfulness accompany a person for a long time. Until a feeling of sadness, regret, depression, apathy is already born with a psychologist, that is, there is a transition to the fourth phase - depression.

4. Depression phase. The phase is difficult. I don’t want to live in this phase, I understand that very well. Here the specialist needs to be very careful, because the client can enter this phase slowly and imperceptibly, but there are risks of a "deep failure" into the "gray" phase of depression with the appearance of suicidal thoughts. It is very difficult to cope with depression to get rid of it, especially when everything around is “gray” and feelings are all with a minus sign. It is advisable to live the stage of depression with a psychologist. At the same time, living with depression is a guarantee of a happy life in the future and is also a good sign that you are truly ending the relationship. The end of the relationship must be "suffered". Why else do you need to go over, why do you need dynamics at all, that is, movement. Very often women get stuck in two stages of emotional and depression. A person SAUSES from meaninglessness, depression, apathy in life to hatred and aggression towards a man. By the way, as one of the signs of a pathological relationship is revenge, bans on communicating with children, litigation here, in my opinion, there is such an everyday expression: “I endured his antics for years, well, now it's my turn,” and sometimes it comes to the Supreme Court. The stage of depression is also called the "nine circles of hell" and if the client goes through this, then you can easily move to the fifth stage, which is called - mourning.

5. Burning. In this phase, a person is already learning to accept the relationship and is approaching its completion. The main feelings in this phase are grief, regret, experience of loss and loss. The client understands that those relationships that were previously can not be returned.

6. The phase of recovery and completion. Well, at this stage, a person is already truly completing the relationship, crying out all the feelings, and going through each stage, step by step, forgiving a partner, once a loved one and letting him float freely, and if not in the literal sense of the word, then in the soul, for sure … Here it is as if a rebirth takes place. You start looking for your mistakes, which have led to loneliness and abandonment. The girl begins to take care of herself, go to the hairdresser's to the beautician, begins to play sports, travel, that is, she devotes more time to herself and begins to really treat herself well. The past relationship is remembered with gratitude, understanding and forgiveness. New life prospects are opening up. At the end of my story, I want to scare you a little, how the unresolved relationship problem ends: loneliness, alienation, alcoholism, diseases: gastritis ulcers, hypertension, heart disease, radiculitis, osteochondrosis, hernia of the spine, and you can list endlessly for girls You pay with two endocrine and sexual systems.

And in conclusion, I want to tell you that the choice of what kind of life you live you make yourself: happy with a full cup or, on the contrary, unhappy full of illnesses, not satisfaction, substitutions, but I forgot to tell you, even the abuse of food, jamming and obesity.