2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
She sat in a chair and talked about the past week. Work non-stop, constant calls, meetings, she had a migraine attack, during which (of course) she stayed at work. She looked habitually optimistic and agitated, and at the same time tired - also habitually. Few people ask how she is really doing, because they have long been accustomed to the fact that everything is fine with her. Well, she herself always says so. The unfunny joke is that even when she talks about how tired, no one really believes. Because there is no problem that she could not solve, and this is, in general, the pure truth. She used to do everything herself. Rather, she only knows how to: rely on herself and not rely on someone else. Because otherwise it hurts too much.
He sat on the couch and talked about his new relationship. Finally, he has a wonderful, caring girlfriend. She hears him, supports him, lacks his throat with the demands of rest in the Maldives and a new car. With pleasure she cooks for him, with the same pleasure she has sex with him. He is not ashamed to walk with him by the hand along a crowded street. And despite all this feeling that everything that happens - not for him remains too tangible. He sees this concern, but cannot accept it. Can not. He just doesn't know how.
These are collective stories, but they are generally about trauma. And such an inability to accept help (God forbid, ask for it directly) is the best survival tactic that could work out. This is a good and reliable way to protect the soul from spitting, pain and another betrayal.
This is a way to protect yourself from a cold and domineering father who was never there to protect. But who always appeared to say that someone did it faster or better. This is an attempt to distance herself from her mother, who was too poorly versed in her own feelings, which means she did not understand yours either, who at work until late simply did not have the strength and ability to understand what was happening to you.
Refusing support is a great way to protect yourself from those closest to you that you could ideally rely on, but who instead always took more from you than they would like to give. Well, you are strong / adult / smart / already in the fifth grade, you will figure it out yourself.
This is a reliable protection against those with whom you tried to build relationships, getting anything (sex, ready-made dinner in the evenings, even joint children), but never what you were really looking for: a feeling of safety and security for your own heart.
From all this, you have learned one sure lesson: if you don't really rely on anyone, then there will be no disappointment. Or maybe you were even taught this on purpose: don't believe, don't be afraid, don't ask, it's safer that way.
Therefore, trust is a luxury you cannot afford. Because to truly trust is to be vulnerable. And so the wounded heart is safely hidden behind high walls. And no pain and resentment gets inside through them.
The trouble with this strategy is that there is very little love and care that gets through the wall too. After all, walls and eternal armor are needed by those who are in constant expectation of the next attack. This is the reaction to trauma. The good news is that it doesn't have to stay frozen forever, you can work with it and gradually shrink the walls. So that over time through them at least the sun falls on the flowerbed:)
Recommended:
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