7 Signs Your Partner Is A Narcissist How To Tell If A Partner Is A Narcissist At The Beginning Of A Relationship?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-18 02:26

How to determine at the very beginning of a relationship that your partner is a narcissist, understand what awaits you, and with whom you enter into a relationship in order to make decisions consciously in the future and not experience excruciating pain?

1. The person with whom you are in a relationship often does not have his own opinion, agrees with you in everything - in other words, he does not have a clear worldview, or it is very socially acceptable. For example, the best car is a Mercedes or a BMW; you need to live like this, because everyone lives like that, etc. Accordingly, he does like others, copying them. Moreover, you always decide where to go (cafe, cinema), and the partner does not let it pass through himself, does not ask the question "Do I want this?" (you don’t choose together the movie you want to watch - “Choose yourself!”, “I don’t know!”, “I don’t care!”). Because of this behavior, you get the feeling that your partner admires you, that you are close, similar. However, in fact, there is no merger, in the relationship only you, the partner is practically absent, but then he will recoup for it. How is a narcissist different from a shy person? The latter, after 2-5 meetings, will nevertheless begin to tell something about himself.
2. You do not know anything about the narcissist, about his past, what he loves and what not, how his childhood was formed. Often, narcissists do not answer these questions or answer evasively ("Well, something happened", "Nothing much happened", "There was both good and bad") - and you do not have a clear picture of what was happening in a person's life.

How do you know that people are living the story they are telling? You seem to see everything in front of you. If a person tells something as if not about himself, the images are not included, there is no visual and in-depth representation. Looking at a person, you can roughly imagine how he lived, what his mother was like in childhood, how his life developed, past relationships, what happened to his first love, etc. However, in fact, you do not know anything about all this, and the partner does not want and cannot talk about it (and this is important in a relationship - this way you can understand his behavior). Another important point - are you interested in knowing something about your partner? If you have a narcissistic trauma, the described situation will be quite satisfying for you (“I’m not interested in knowing everything that is happening around me, and it’s not important all this - come on about me!”).

You are immensely sweet in contact with your partner. Often he "sweetens" your relationship with admiration, idealization ("You are the smartest, most beautiful, sexy, determined, incomparable"). And you really feel it! With other people, you may feel embarrassed when compliments are made to you, but next to the daffodil you seem to have wings, but after these vivid feelings, you will feel that you have to meet the expectations of your partner (you are the very same, and such a person does not errors!). But all this will be later, and at first you seem to be "pumped up" with positive mirroring and an unreal thrill, like drugs. Sometimes it is not even necessary to say something - one glance can inspire.

Be attentive - watch what your partner is doing and listen to what he has to say. If you are an emotionally dependent person, you have a narcissistic trauma and many others, for you, in principle, any relationship can seem like a relationship with a narcissist (so sweet and sweet). In this case, you need to analyze whether the partner really sweetens your life that way, or if you turn it on like that.

1. You react painfully to every negative statement the narcissist makes. Why is this happening? All comments are filled with arrogance and aggression. At this moment, he suddenly becomes very correct and knowledgeable, and you turn into nothing. Frequent phrases of the narcissist (“What nonsense ?!”, “This is nonsense!”, Etc.) cause a very deep reaction. And here it is important to note - you yourself are not quite confident in his words, you have a doubt, and it is this that gets to the most painful point.

2. You are often together. Of course, at the beginning of a relationship, many couples constantly spend time together, but in a relationship with a narcissist, you call up all the time, write messages to each other, you know exactly where your partner is at the moment. It looks very cute at first, but in fact, it is a form of control - as soon as you want to distance yourself, distance yourself, be alone, take a walk with friends or girlfriends, you will be faced with a huge stream of aggression. A person changes dramatically - and from cute and fluffy turns into aggressive and spiteful.
3. The famous disappearance of the narcissist. Even in the early stages of a relationship, the narcissist can start testing you - how will you react if he goes missing? For example, you call each other every evening, you see each other at least a couple of times in two days, and suddenly he disappears and appears very late at night, when you have already gone to bed (or the next morning in the morning), justifying your behavior with some wonderful and interesting history. Yes, we always have our phone with us, one could write a few words, but a person will find an excuse for this too.

What to do in this case? It is important for you to clearly define the boundaries - you cannot be done that way. However, first, decide whether you are ready to put up with such behavior. If not, make it clear to your partner. Skip early in the relationship and the tests will get stronger. The first time the narcissist tries to test you almost imperceptibly (for example, you are texting and he answers within half an hour, but at the time of his test he will not answer you for 3 hours). Think about it - if this is a lunch break, and at least a person could have written "I will answer later", but did not do so, this indicates a demonstrative disappearance.

As a rule, those who enter into relationships with narcissists themselves tend to idealize their partner and not notice his reality. Try to evaluate the person next to you with a sober gaze - and you will notice that a huge range of feelings is not available to him. Narcissists do not know how to sympathize, regret, empathize, as if in principle they deny a sensitive reality.

We all, one way or another, do this ("Oh, nothing happened! It's okay!"), But after a week psychosomatics makes itself felt, and the realization of the depth of the situation occurs later. With regard to narcissists, they may sincerely not understand why people with money feel unhappy, people who have a family and a good job fall into a state of depression. They seem to often have a strong bond with the material world (conditionally - at the everyday level, everything is fine, what does it mean wrong inside?).

And here the problem is not only that a person cannot live negative feelings, sympathize, empathize, regret, but also that aggression is manifested in response to someone's success or joy (everyone is familiar with the famous narcissistic envy). For example, you are discussing some acquaintance or blogger who has become quite famous in a year, has earned money - in response, you will definitely hear a negative statement ("Yes, he probably stole!", "Just listen to what kind of nonsense he says!"). It's about envy of normal people.

Another important point of idealization and depreciation is that at first the narcissist idealizes you, but depreciation occurs gradually (for example, every three days - "Yes, these are all trifles!"), And after any idealization there will be depreciation.

The narcissist is easily charmed and quickly disappointed, cannot survive the frustration due to his disappointment. And therefore, you will be to blame for the fact that he is disappointed in you, and this frustration will be directed at you. The feeling you get when you hear "This is all nonsense!" or “So wrong!” - this is the frustration that the narcissist experiences due to the fact that you are not ideal (not like everyone else, as his worldview dictates, so that there is no shame in front of neighbors, etc.).

The listed criteria are the main ones. Of course, you can still talk about gaslighting, turning the situation over to yourself, lying. However, you should not immediately put the stigma of a terry narcissist, if a person somewhere lied, somewhere he felt ashamed to admit something (this may be a narcissistic trauma).

Be careful, include sober thinking, but most importantly, you need to understand what kind of person you really are, so that you can see his defenses and notice yourself in the relationship (what do you do to make it like this, and maintain some kind of balance). Remember that in a relationship, each partner is 100% responsible. Take responsibility for the relationship - ask yourself if you can put up with some of the qualities of a partner, live with it. Eliminate from your beliefs that a person will someday be able to change, that everything seemed to you. When your partner does something that is painful for you, it seems to you that it is just an accident - and to avoid feelings of resentment, frustration, and disappointment, you need to come to terms with something unpleasant. Do internal work, evaluate your partner's behavior, think that he periodically hurts you. Yes, in a relationship, we all, one way or another, hurt each other. Another question is how we get out of this situation. How do we deal with the fact that the narcissistic partner will not feel your pain, there will be no sincere empathy for the situation, there will be no sincere attempt to avoid such circumstances next time. You will see some kind of detachment - it's okay, you will survive. A partner with narcissistic trauma, closer to the neurotic level of personality organization, will feel complicity, will try not to hurt you somewhere.

So, look at your partner here and now. Do not imagine that it will be different someday - no! Your relationship works the way it is here and now. Try to project them for several years ahead, for decades - are you ready to enter into a long-term relationship with a person with similar qualities? Don't expect him to change.

We all grew up with narcissistic trauma - somewhere we see the situation wrong, somewhere we deceive. However, if we are talking about the neurotic spectrum of personality organization, you will be able to explain your behavior to your partner, and he will understand that you are not against him as a person, you just see the situation differently (and the narcissist takes out his aggression on his partner).