2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
As soon as the child becomes capable of any independent activity, the parents carefully explain to him what not to do, so that trouble does not happen to him. "Don't run, or you'll fall." In the event of an inevitable fall sooner or later, the undeniable "I told you so …" is offered as a support. This is how the first causal relationships are formed. And this does not mean that children stop running, more often than not they do not care much about the consequences and they just do what brings them pleasure. But over time, the number of confirmed parental hypotheses leads to the belief that the world is predictable and … Fair. Sometimes he is not very attentive, so some of our tricks go unpunished, but this is solely because "my mother did not notice."
Later we begin to suspect that if we do not commit anything forbidden, then nothing interesting will happen in our life. But the idea that the problems that have arisen are the result of violated rules, has already firmly settled in our minds. This idea protects us from the fear of uncertainty, allows us to live with the illusion of control over our lives.
As we grow up, we revise the rules dictated to us by our parents and replace them with our own, based on our own life experience, religious and philosophical teachings. Anyway, we try to avoid pain insure yourself at least from a lifetime of hell, by fulfilling the commandments in which we believe.
If something we fear and want to avoid happens to someone else, we we strive to find an explanation for what happened in the framework of our picture of the world. Establish the very same causal relationships. What did he do wrong? What was the mistake? What can I do to avoid getting into this situation? When we understand what violations have led to problems, we feel protected. We just don’t need to repeat these mistakes and we will not have such difficulties. It's that simple! And it's not so scary to live anymore.
We are ready to buy tons of what feeds our fears. Toothpaste that protects us from going to the dentist, pills that will save us from pain, sprouted grains instead of sausages stuffed with carcinogens. And it doesn't matter that few people understand the mechanism of oncology after eating a sandwich, the main thing is that the further we move the terrible word carcinogen away from ourselves, the more secure we will be. And the terrible beast "cancer" will crawl by.
If someone nearby got sick, and if they got sick so badly that they even died, then they definitely did something wrong. Perhaps he was drinking too much or leading a sedentary lifestyle, perhaps not praying hard enough, or simply not realizing his true purpose. Why else did it end so badly?
We want to give birth and raise the right children. The implication is that the right kids must be healthy, beautiful, smart, fun and friendly. If our children do not spit food and do not wake up at night from a wet diaper, then we are the right parents. If they do not pass according to some of the correctness criteria, then we strive to work on the errors. We read books, go to specialists, experiment with various pedagogical methods in the hope of fixing everything.
A friend's husband left for another? She was probably doing something wrong. So what if she is young and attractive. Just think, a wonderful hostess and an interesting conversationalist, we do not know what she is like in bed. Surely not everything is in order there. And we understand that for a man sex is the main thing. We are fine with that, so we are not in danger of being abandoned.
We are looking for the right ways to live, assuming that the right thing is when it is warm, satisfying and nothing hurts. Difficulties begin when the laws from our picture of the world do not work. When a car hits a person crossing a pedestrian crossing at a green light. When cancer strikes down a young and cheerful father of a family leading an exceptionally healthy lifestyle. When a couple who dreamed of a child and carefully prepared for conception gives birth to a baby with developmental defects. When a shy girl who returns home from music school becomes a victim of violence. When a plane full of children crashes …
There is no explanation for all this. Such events defy logic. At such moments, the usual supports collapse, and it always hurts. Consciousness tries to cling to at least something that seemed unshakable, but constantly slides into the cold well of meaninglessness. Waves of fear, pain, despondency lick the rules inscribed on the sand. It becomes obvious that the rules do not always work, and we are not immune from anything. Living with this is unbearable and our psyche carefully provides us with a loophole into which we can escape from our feelings. Any a mentally healthy person tries to avoid pain … And that's okay. Like any system, our psyche strives for constancy. This is a condition for survival. Another question is, how do we deal with the pain that has already come? With the one that can no longer be ignored?
What happens when “what-should-should-have-happened” happens to us? Nobody plans their problems and misfortunes. And yet, in one form or another, they come to everyone. They jump out from around the corner, fall on the head, hit in the back. Troubles are always unexpected. And they always divide life into "Before" and "After". Sometimes this line looks like a line drawn with a thin pencil, and sometimes it resembles an abyss that cannot be crossed.
Finding the culprit, understanding the cause of what happened is the first thing that our mind begins to do, accustomed to establishing causal relationships. Further - a matter of taste. Someone designates the world around them to be guilty, someone prefers to look for the reason in themselves. One way or another, we are trying to fit what happened in our picture of the world and the rules existing in it, to find the “law” according to which we received the “punishment”. What if things are arranged differently? What if what we perceive as punishment is actually a blessing? Is it possible that we are simply not yet familiar with the rules according to which what happened to us happened?
Serious illness, death of a loved one, special child, husband's departure, dismissal from work - can this become a resource? Within the framework of our understanding of the world order, it is unlikely. It is extremely rare that the answer is hidden in the conditions of the problem. Most often, it lies outside, forcing us to go beyond the given.
If you try to build a traumatic event into the existing picture of the world, it never ceases to be traumatic. Where old rules show their inadequacy, there is space for learning new ones. Getting stuck in the search for an answer to the question "Why?", We deprive ourselves of the answer to the question "Why?" We can endlessly sort out in our minds the possible causes of our misfortunes, return ourselves to the past, try to understand what we did wrong. And thereby to prevent the possibility that what is happening to us now is right. Bitter, painful, hard, but … right.
When, in an attempt to avoid pain, we cling to the denial of what happened, to the search for someone to blame, to old meanings, to distracting activities, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to gain access to the resource. Hiding from pain in intellectualization, we borrow other people's thoughts, which cover our own with a screen. Regular use of anesthetics, which are alcohol, sex, drugs, food, work, computer, etc., protects us from acute pain, but inhibits the action of the healing powers of the body. New meanings are formed like the production of antibodies in the blood. It is impossible to acquire immunity without facing disease. Just as it is impossible to understand the meaning of the events traumatizing us without experiencing the feelings that they cause.
When do we pay our closest attention to any part of our body? When it hurts! Only then do we begin to truly listen and reckon with our body when discomfort arises in it. And the stronger this discomfort, the more careful we are. Does our soul have a more reliable way to get attention to ourselves?
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