DEATH IS NOT AS SCARY AS IT IS LITTLE OR DEATH CAN BE BEAUTIFUL

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I warn you that this text was written by my subpersonality "A living, interested person" and has nothing to do with the subpersonality "Serious psychologist":)

Today I started watching the last season of my favorite TV series "Treatment" (Patients). I still could not dare to watch the 3rd season. Since childhood, I have had such a feature - when reading something interesting or watching, anticipating a climax or a denouement, I do what in the language of gestalt therapy is called "break contact", that is, I postpone it for a while. In order to reflect, analyze or savor for a longer time, and perhaps because he is not ready for what the author will suggest. I postponed the third season of my favorite series until the last, suggesting that the main character might not have a very rosy ending. The season began with the protagonist's diagnosis and fear that he would die, just like his father, who had been bedridden due to Parkinson's disease for a long time. (If anyone hasn't watched, I apologize for the spoiler).

"Here you go!" - I blurted out in emotions to my husband - “In the end, the psychologist must die! They didn't think of anything better!"

This was followed by a string of different thoughts about death: "In principle, why only a psychologist, we will all die." For a moment, a thought crossed my mind, what would happen if we lived forever and were immortal. This picture just horrified me. For some reason, they introduced themselves as zombie people who, with empty eyes, wander the streets, who have not been happy about anything for a long time, who have already seen everything, do not strive for anything, because everything is meaningless. Time wagon. Everything has already happened …

Nothing fills life with meaning like DEATH and the knowledge that time as a resource is limited, moreover, the limit is with the "X" sign. Remember the movie "Time" with Justin Timberlake, where time was the currency. This is a trash, the film keeps you in tension from the very first frame to the very last.

The topic of death leaves no one indifferent, and as a psychologist I have to deal with it with almost every client, to one degree or another. And everyone experiences this collision in their own way. Each person has his own death, or rather the idea of death, with his own characteristics, or even character. In my life, I also faced the death of a loved one and my own death. One of my teachers once said that someone who was truly on the verge of life and death will never be a normal person. These are the so-called "Border Guards" (not referring to the borderline personality type).

So I decided to talk about my trip abroad. I was on the edge 3 times, but I went over the edge by accident and did not regret it …

It happened about 3-4 years ago. In winter, in order to warm up, I went to take a hot shower, took to the point that there was too much steam in the bathroom and there was nothing to breathe. I went out, wrapped in a towel in the kitchen, in order to drink water and take a breath of fresh air, as I felt weak and dizzy. At that time I was at home with my child, he was sitting in the living room and watching cartoons, my husband was supposed to come home in a couple of minutes. I drank a glass of water in one gulp and felt a click in the area of the diaphragm. She began to choke.

After a few seconds, I felt extraordinary lightness, and realized that I was not at all in the apartment, but in some pleasant space, as if above the apartment. I saw myself from the side, lying with an open towel, a thought slipped through, even if the child did not come in and see me in negligee, it became funny for some reason. Some unusual childish excitement appeared, I did not experience such states even as a child. It was easy and fun, my brain worked very cleanly, I realized that it was IT, and I was incredibly happy about it. I began to remember that the whole life must pass before my eyes. I quickly looked at her with a satisfied look, I liked everything, especially my last 5 years, where I allowed myself to be who I am, where my Shadow danced on the smiles of the “Good Girl”.

There was a feeling of soaring in some dense space, which, like a cloud, enveloped and at the same time supported, and I rushed forward, clearly knowing that I was going “home”, where they were waiting for me, and would meet SOMETHING familiar and dear. This feeling of "home" is not like coming home from a long trip, it is more. And in general, the faster I swam somewhere, the more I realized that there were absolutely no feelings, there was only some state of complete safety and delight. The fact that there are no feelings, I noticed when I thought, just for a second, what about my child and husband without me. And in response I heard from myself: "What a difference at all!" I absolutely did not care what would happen to them, and the further I "sailed - flew away", the less I was disturbed by the thought of what would be there (where my body) would be. Emotional connections with loved ones, as if blurred, memories of them also disappeared, as if they had never been in my experience at all. Although in real life I really love both my son and my husband.

For some more time I enjoyed the flight and all the time tried to fix my wondrous state, there are no feelings, there are thoughts, expectation and delight from everything that is happening, the anticipation of a meeting and the feeling that someone is invisibly nearby. Now I think that the babies in their mother's tummy feel something similar.

But my happiness quickly ended, I suddenly felt myself lying on the floor again, my eyes did not see for some time, and there was no sound, but after a couple of seconds, I saw the frightened face of my husband, who somehow brought me to my senses, roofing felts did heart massage to me, roofing felts shook. My first thought was: “For what? Why was I punished and sent here again? " There was a certain feeling of disappointment, I wanted to go back. Remember how in the cartoon about the parrot Kesha: “… Well! At the most interesting point!":)

After a while, I came to my senses, realized that the child did not see anything, he also watched cartoons. With relief, I thought that there was one less injury. Otherwise, another 5 years of psychotherapy - lying, naked mother in the kitchen with no signs of life:) My husband had more gray hair, he silently sat in the kitchen, digesting what was happening and chaotically displacing thoughts, and what if he had not had time …

I will not call this situation somehow - clinical death, hallucinations due to oxygen starvation, or something else. But I can say that if death is like that, then this is the most beautiful thing that could happen to me.

What I learned from this wonderful, short journey:

• This experience allows me, death, to accept as something natural.
• Also, the realization that the one who leaves is not particularly worried about how someone is grieving here, if not to say that he does not care at all, and this knowledge gives relief for those who remain here for now.
• I will note to myself that the return was perceived by me as a kind of punishment, or work that needs to be done. There I thought that the working day was already over, but it turned out that it was just a lunch break or, I would even say, an opportunity to take a breath of fresh air and run back to work.
• I was also pleased that I had no thoughts that I had not completed something here, I had lived so little, etc. This means that I live a fulfilled, emotional life and do not waste time in vain.
• Indeed, everyone has their own death. Mine turned out to be light, childish, carefree and at the same time caring and very pleasant.

Well, I summed up, it means we still need to work. The working day is not over:)

I will be very glad if my story is valuable to someone. Perhaps someone will reconsider their attitude towards life or death. I would very much like to wish that everyone would live their lives so that they would be satisfied with their work done when they find themselves on the other side of the border …

P. S. I would not mind if my death was similar to the death from the movie "Meet Joe Black", where Brad Peet was in the role of death:)

A wonderful, deep film that changes the perception of death and the attitude towards the end of one's earthly life. When we live with the thought that nothing will happen to me, there is still a lot of time, we may not have time to say important words to loved ones, finish important things, realize important truths. After all, perhaps, the one who leaves and does not care, and the one who remains not … Appreciate your time, love your life and then you will not need to be afraid of death.