And Why Did I Marry Him?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Put a star in your wagon! At consultations, I often hear: “If it were not for the pressure of society and relatives, I would never get married! This marriage gave me nothing but pain, tears and disappointment. " Women often mistake their expectations for love. They expect that marriage will bring them on a "silver platter" all material and intangible benefits: confidence, protection, fulfillment of desires, lack of worries … Some representatives of the stronger sex say that female love is a "screen for the exploitation of men" … Karen Horney is one of the key figures in the field of female psychology. The only woman whose name appears among the founders of the psychoanalytic theory of personality. Do you know when she wrote the book "Self-Analysis", in which she talked about the theory of neuroses, in particular, women? In 1942! This work has not lost its relevance today. It says how often we are deceived, mentally calling our desires "love": we want to receive from others what we are not able to give ourselves. These expectations are largely generated by internal barriers that prevent a woman from doing or even wanting for herself. In her book, Karen Horney honestly talks about the parasitic attitudes of a woman through the mouth of one of her heroines, Claire. Claire is an ambitious lady with always unfulfilled expectations from her partners, who constantly tried to "put a star in her wagon." But in reality all the "stars" turned out to be just candles

I have not a woman at my appointment, but a walking advertisement for all fashion houses, beauty salons and plastic surgeons combined. She is puzzled, resentful, angry and demands an immediate solution to her problems:

- You can not do it this way! My husband is leaving me !! He has no right !!

But, for a minute, he abandons her with a country house, an apartment on Ostozhenka, an area of hundreds of square meters, with several enterprises in Russia and abroad, with his own business in Europe, bringing in a good income. And who is our husband? And our husband works as a "wizard". Our husband is from St. Petersburg. Like my new client …

I won't add anything else on this topic …

- Vladyka himself told us that it is not good to get divorced!

- Marina, what should I do?

- Accept my husband and say that there is no need to get divorced!

- Have mercy? After the Lord ?!

- Be more serious. My world is crumbling!

- Tell us more.

- I have two children. The eldest is eight years old, the youngest is six and a half. They have such problems that even in a private school they do not want to keep them. The younger has enuresis, the older one fights. And he stutters a lot.

- Tell us about your marriage.

- We were introduced ten years ago. My mother and I carried out a whole operation to organize our acquaintance. I was already an adult and serious girl. I knew my capabilities, - she gestured with a smooth gesture at her face and body. - And I could claim it! At that time he was already in business, held a high post. I was told that he is gloomy, unsociable, it is difficult to get him to talk. That I need to take the initiative into my own hands. And if he doesn't chase me away, then….

She besieged him for several months. He did not chase away. I got pregnant successfully. We got married. Children were born. A few years later he was transferred to Moscow. Here he built an apartment, a house, and wandered between cities. About two years ago we moved here completely.

- The reason for the divorce?

- He has a different one. Lord, you should have seen her! Terrible! Is older than me. Two grown children. Chmoshnitsa!

- Also besieges him?

- I'm the one besieging her! And she is running from me.

- You know, for two people to live together, the desire of one is not enough. It is necessary that both want to save the marriage.

- What kind of psychologist are you? Without even listening to me, you want to separate us

- How do you see our work?

- You were highly recommended to me. I like that you are not a party girl and appreciate your independence. Therefore, you do not play our games. I will give your phone number to my husband. He will call you and make an appointment.

- Marina, please, take care of the children. They are now in great need of your care.

A couple of days later a call.

- Nana Romanovna, hello. You get a call from the secretariat (long and important name). Please write down the address. We are waiting for you at 17:00.

I ask in surprise:

- And who are you?

The taken aback secretary introduces herself and once again explains who she represents. Reminds that NN's wife has already made an appointment.

- Yes, indeed. But we made an appointment with me.

The well-trained lady politely replies:

- Perhaps I did not understand something. Let's clarify the address and time again.

At the appointed time, minute by minute, a man came to me, whom I had previously seen only on the TV screen. No pathos, no security. He behaved completely normal and natural.

Sinking into a chair, he said wearily:

- I am listening to you.

- You are at my reception. I'm listening to you.

- Today you are the third psychologist whom I consider as a candidate to work with my family. So tell us about yourself

“I don’t think that your security service didn’t study my file and didn’t report everything to you. I have standard terms. The cost of my consultation is the same for everyone, so I can afford to be free. You have a divorce. Why waste time on my presentation when you can talk about the situation in your family?

- I haven’t seen a psychologist before. It was my wife's idea. I thought that you were representing her … that is, you are fulfilling her order … and found alternative candidates. That is, in fact, why I wanted you to say how you see the development of the situation.

- I can't see her in any way. I want to look at her with your eyes. You are adults, you decide for yourself: to get divorced or continue to live together. If you fail, I accompany this process. Me or whatever psychologist you and your wife choose.

- That is, you do not think that we should live together?

- I cannot draw any conclusions until I hear your story. And even then, the choice is yours, no matter what conclusions I draw. What do you want? And how do you see my presence in your family?

- I want to get divorced. Definitely. The only question is: how? Today two psychologists presented themselves to me. One of them, a woman, said: “Everything must be done at lightning speed. Confront the fact. And, having connected all the structures, give his wife a divorce paper. She herself recently got divorced, she says, there is no need to delay. Another psychologist, a young man suggested such a move: he would start a relationship with my wife, become her lover, so that later I could film everything and “expose” her.

-Is it a psychologist? Didn't he find any other methods?

- Yes, and I asked: “Why humiliate? ". He said that then he could become her friend, meet in a cafe, and informally advise her to make the "right" decision.

- Did your service study them?

- Yes, they are very fashionable psychologists. They offered a creative approach. They said that it is possible in a standard way, but … It takes a long time.

- You know, I have a very traditional attitude to marriage issues. Divorce can also be done with dignity. Your family urgently needs to deal with children. They have serious problems.

- If I choose you, what will need to be done?

- You must come together and set a common task.

- What task?

- Divorce or preservation of marriage.

- That is, for you it is not ay-ay-ay! That I am leaving the family?

- Perhaps you are a celestial and constantly hear the sound of the timpani. But here you are an ordinary person, a father of two children who are suffering a lot.

- Write down my direct telephone number, I have yours. We will communicate without a secretary. Call at any time.

- Okay, I'll talk to your wife and schedule a general consultation.

At the reception Marina

- What kind of joint consultation? What are you about?! Children have problems - they need to be taken to Switzerland to ski and breathe the air. Did he buy you? I asked! I'm leaving. No general advice!

At the reception NN

- I thought so. I've already filed a lawsuit for divorce. My lawyers are doing this. Let it be official.

- Tell us about your friend …

- You know, I am an unsociable person, gloomy, not charming. I am like a clock, like a function. Sometimes I wonder if I can afford emotions at all? Do I have them? Marina is a front wife. I understood this when she huddled me together with her mother and when she got pregnant, demanding to marry. I don’t love her. I never did. But I needed to be married. I needed to have children. For the record. In a sense, I put an end to my personal life.

I love children. But I'm a bad father. I founded trust funds for them, but I can't play with them. They are so tense in my presence, trying to sneak past, unnoticed, into their rooms. I’m not at home either. Probably, we need to do something with them … Here! Can you teach me to be a good father?

Yes, about love. We met with her at her own restaurant. Such a quiet, cozy place. We came there with army friends. I have few friends, only two. They are absolutely not from my current circle. We know each other from the army, I trust them very much. One of our friends introduced us. It was late, Rita was in the hall, waiting for us to leave to close. Then I began to come there often. I felt good with her. Calmly. How can I explain it to you? Rita is real, alive, this is a luxury for people of my circle. She understood who I was, but she never asked unnecessary questions. I was grateful that I chose her restaurant, but that's all.

For a long time I did not understand how much I like her. We began to meet, making no plans at all and not having anything in mind. Then Marina found her and tracked her down. Then Rita urgently closed the restaurant and left for Moscow. Simply by saying that she “had no idea”, she has grown-up children and, in general, she is not from this series of women.

I also moved. She did not want to meet with me and did not meet. She now has a different business, not a restaurant. We began to see her again only a few months ago. I said that everything is serious for me, I will get divorced, I insist that we be together. She tells me that she is looking for another city in order to escape again …

You understand, a man of my rank will never leave his family without a livelihood! Marina loves not me, but my capabilities. And Rita - me. She laughs and says that if she could dream “like in a movie,” she would like to go to live in the village. Do you know that I don't live with her? She decided so. She says that she is not sure of me, she is afraid of Marina, and she will not be interested in living with me "according to the protocol."

After that, NN and I did not see each other for a long time, we only called back.

After some time, his wife appeared:

“I don’t want to meet him anyway. Can you come to court? And testify in my favor?

- What does it mean to testify in your favor?

- You need to tell in court that my psychological state does not allow me to make decisions. And now I need to undergo a rehabilitation course. The process should be postponed.

- Why You Need It?

- I'll play for time. Maybe everything will resolve.

- Marin, are you all right with your finances?

- Sure. My mother and I also have our own company, hotels in Europe. Besides, he leaves me a lot.

- Then why are you worried?

- You have no idea what it means to me - to get a divorce. I will lose everything! They'll kick me out! Not a single decent candidate shines for me. Because I will be "ex", I have a stigma on me. I cannot live without my former life.

And what happened for the New Year! They found out that he does not live with me and is ready to divorce! Nobody came to me and I was not invited anywhere. I'm overboard! I just have to broadcast on television or write a book how I suffered in marriage. I will not have any chances to get a job, only gigolos will bite at me. It's too early for me to keep them. You can still fix everything …

A day later, Marina called me and said that she had found another specialist: a neuropsychiatrist, the head of the clinic, who would provide all the necessary certificates for her and the children and, if necessary, would come and testify in court.

Several times she took the children away to an unknown destination. Weekly I changed their SIM cards in their phones so that NN could not contact them. But he was adamant. His wife refused to work with me, and I honestly told him that I did not see any problems that would have to be resolved with him. He made a decision, divorce is his right. I asked NN to say goodbye.

We parted very well. I was pleased to work with him: precise, polite, respectful, extremely clear-minded, clearly formulating the problem, erudite … Later he called several times about the boys. I never saw him again - at my place. I don't watch TV.

Three months have passed. Marina came to me. She said that the court divorced them. And now it is necessary to inform the children about this.

- What do you want from me?

- For you to do it! I agree to come to an appointment with my ex-husband so that you inform the boys about the divorce.

- And what is your neuropsychiatrist?

- What are you! These are my children! How can I entrust them to her!

- Marina, your children are already traumatized. Talking about divorce is not an operation to be performed by a surgeon. This is a very intimate question. You and your ex-husband need to do everything yourself and preferably at home, in an emotionally safe environment.

- I do not know how. I don't know how to talk to my children. I do not know what to say. Tell me … And can I write it down?

For the first time I saw tears. Real, female, maternal. When she repeated after me:

“Children, we need to talk to you. The conversation is difficult, but not scary. Dad and I divorced and now we will live separately. You will visit dad and live with me. When you grow up, decide for yourself where your main home is. Please forgive us. We failed. We thought we could be a good husband and wife. But our love is over. But there was another - to you. And there is a lot of it.

Help us be a good mom and dad. We really need you! We divorced so as not to fight anymore, so as not to hurt you. So that you don't worry. So that you can live your life. It hurts a lot, but we are here to help you cope."