2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A fragment from my book "What do we confuse love with, or is it Love".
In itself, the desire to do something pleasant for a loved one is wonderful. If a number of conditions are met:
- For a loved one, this is really good. That is, it does not come from the position “I know what is best for him,” but there really is reason to believe that it is good for him now. The simplest reason is that he himself asked for it directly. Or to the offer to do something for him, he replied "yes, please, I will be grateful."
- For ourselves, this is not a victim, it is not violence against us. We do not suffer, do not suffer, do not give up the last, do not do something on our last legs. What we do is relatively easy and pleasant for ourselves. While caring for the other, we do not forget to take care of ourselves.
- Everything happens in balance. We take care of the partner, the partner takes care of us. The partner also seeks to please us, to do something pleasant and useful, and also does not sacrifice himself in doing so.
But as it happens in life:
“I cook what he likes. And what I like - I don't even know. And why? The main thing is that he feels good."
“I give him a massage, but he doesn’t give me - he is too tired, and he just doesn’t want to learn massage.”
“By his arrival, I try to redo everything, cook his favorite food, shave all intimate parts, put on nice clothes (yes, I spend half of my salary on nice panties). So that we have a good time and nothing distracts us. And he? He just comes in, eats, we have sex, he leaves. No, he doesn't help me. Not by business, not financially."
“I buy him gifts, I like to pamper him. And he? No. But I'm not offended either."
“He asked to help him with the documents. I agreed and spent the whole night at the computer, today I was late for work”.
“I agreed to have anal sex with him, although I was not ready for this form, now I have health problems.”
As a rule, we forget about ourselves, our health, our desires and opportunities. Often we do not ask if the partner really needs it, but simply do it, believing that it will be good for him. Sometimes we suddenly realize that we are doing everything for him, but he is not doing anything.
How could it be otherwise?
- If you want to do something for your partner, listen to yourself, do you really want to do just that now? And why do we need it? Are we waiting for approval, are we afraid of losing love, do we want to earn love?
- If you want to do something for your partner, think about where the idea came from that he needs it. You can ask him directly if he needs it, is it important to him?
- If a partner asks for something, then listen to yourself, how comfortable it is for us to do it. Wouldn't that be to your detriment? Do you even have the strength and desire to do this?
- If it is difficult to fulfill the partner's request, then you can say so. You can take a wording like “Now I’m not ready to do it (explain the reason, maybe I’m not strong, feeling unwell, there are other things to do or not in the mood), but I would like to help you and I will be glad to do it another time”. If, on the whole, the partner's request is unacceptable, then you can refuse, using, for example, the following wording “Our relationship is valuable to me. And I'm afraid that if I refuse you, it could damage our relationship. However, this is unacceptable to me. And if I agree, it will hurt both our relationship and me. Therefore, I'm sorry, I will refuse. But we can look for other ways to achieve the goal / solve the problem / etc..”If the partner is upset about the rejection for a short time, this is normal. If the partner is very offended and behaves inappropriately, then this is an alarming sign. It is worth discussing with him what exactly touched him. The refusal itself or something in the wording. Perhaps he misunderstood or perceived something wrong. If he does not accept refusals, then it is difficult to build a relationship.
- If you want something, then ask your partner about it directly.
- Notice if there is balance in actions for each other.
More on this topic in my books:
What do we confuse love with, or is Love
Codependency in its own juice
Books are available at Liters, Mybook, Livelib.
Dragon partner found on pixabay
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