For Women Of Chemically Dependent Men

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Before I was on heroin, I was afraid of everything. Father, then my mom's friend, fucking school, janitors, traffic inspectors, subway inspectors. I felt inviolable on heroin. I was not scared.

Christiane Felsherinou. Me, my friends and heroin.

Recently, chemical addiction has opened up to me in a rather ambiguous character: on the one hand, this topic is extremely popular, moreover, both in art and cinema, as well as in numerous forums of drug and alcohol addicts and their loved ones. On the other hand, people who have an actual addiction experience or have had it in the past automatically acquire some status of outcasts, which, by the way, does not contribute to rehabilitation, why adapt to an environment that does not accept you?

Analyzing various women's forums on which the topic of dependence of a husband or a roommate is raised, I see an enviable unanimity in the opinion “to run from this over” or “to drive with a nasty broom”, “drug addicts are never former, this is FOREVER”. A person who has raised such a topic is subjected to natural pressure, despite the fact that he often expects support. Therefore, my post is a systematized and as capacious as possible answer to the cry of the soul of many women living with men who have faced chemical addiction and work on possible mistakes.

• "Addiction is a weakness of character." In that case, who has no weakness? It is important to understand the mechanism of addiction. Addiction is not just an addiction or weakness of character, it is a fairly stable formation, a kind of "gap" in the personality that has developed at the intersection of genetics, upbringing and social conditions, which requires something to be filled. A habit always serves some purpose, performs some unconscious function, satisfies a need. Moreover, it is so strong and significant that it is extremely difficult to get rid of it or find a replacement. Often, she begins to be aware or becomes closer to awareness during the period of remission. Relatives of alcoholics and drug addicts often note "deterioration of character" in such periods - "became hot-tempered, aggressive" or "became passive, uninitiated, extinguished" or the replacement of one addiction with another. Often, the emotions and experiences faced by a person with the experience of chemical addiction are so unbearable that they provoke a relapse.
• “He has already been treated many times, but he has not been cured. The grave will fix a humpbacked one”- often such a conviction pushes to break off relations with a dependent partner. But if you take a closer look - in most of the state. institutions and some private clinics, treatment consists in getting rid of physical dependence, while work with psychological dependence is either carried out formally - they talked, shook their fingers and released them into the old life, or for an insufficiently long period of time (and this therapy is not at all fast), or not conducted at all for various reasons. And then we believe and hope for a happy healing, but the truth is that in fact, the symptom seems to have been eliminated, but the root cause is not there and everything is started anew. It is difficult to cope on your own, so the need for psychotherapy is undeniable. Yes, of course, some find a resource in themselves and "tie" for a long period of time, ignore the discomfort of an unresolved problem. Moreover, with a qualitative replacement of one dependence with another (socially acceptable), they can live quite happily and for a long time (those cases when the church or religion helped). By the way, this is largely because society does not “calm down” their new dependence and accepts it. Ideally, working with a person who has experience of chemical addiction is not a fast, thorny and very interesting process, since, unlike the typical symptoms of addiction, the causes and prerequisites have a variety and some uniqueness.
• "Take him to a psychologist / psychiatrist, you can secretly, so that he does not know" or "treat yourself so that he does not guess." Such recommendations leave me in a state of a mixture of horror, outrage and laughter. Since they are not only a violation of the ethical code of any self-respecting specialist, but also a violation of civil human rights, "no personal request - no work." From my experience of working with coercive people, I can say that this is the most unfavorable group for work, since it does not have its own desire to work with addiction and most of their stay is spent on realizing this need, developing the very request for therapy. But such "underground" actions of loved ones make a person truly addicted, addicted not only to the drug, but also to your decisions. It is much better when this issue has already been agreed at the family level, and the person is ready to work, it is even better if he chooses a specialist for himself, and does not go to the one imposed by you.
• "Let them do something to HIM there." They will do something with him, but he will return to YOUR relationship, which, if not changed, can cross out the whole process from the work done. In addition to individual therapy or a rehabilitation group for addicts, the process of family psychotherapy or a rehabilitation group for the relatives of addicts should take place in parallel. Moreover, addiction or its experience in the past is definitely reflected in partner and parent-child relationships, and this is already a request for family therapy. By the way, rehabilitation groups, good, high-quality groups are a very powerful means of psychotherapy, precisely because the problem of dependence is familiar to each participant firsthand, and the magic of group dynamics has not been canceled, by a qualitative group I mean a group with a highly qualified leader-psychotherapist.
• “Ignore him, deny him, kick him out” - you can safely follow this advice if you really want to break off the relationship, since this behavior only reinforces the scenario “she saws - I’m the victim”, and then the chain: “they reject me - I will go where better - where was I comfortable? - depending ". What is better to do - talk, discuss constructively, talk about your thoughts and emotions, conclude a contract on rehabilitation, psychotherapy without unnecessary authoritarianism, but also without sentiment.
• "My great love will save him" - Yes, but only in combination with a high-quality process of rehabilitation and psychotherapy. Unfortunately, love alone will not be enough, no matter how great and wonderful this feeling is.
• "I'm not guilty, he came himself." A separate topic is women who are "lucky" to have dependent men - at first she lives with her father as an alcoholic, then suffers from her husband's gambling addict and raises her son-addict in the image and likeness. There are also those who have encountered such a partner for the first time. One way or another, it's not bad to ask yourself a conscious question - why do I need such a relationship, why did they arise, what do I implement with them, since the frequent question "do you need it?" the answer is positive (albeit often unconscious. An example can be mothers who, with the help of their son's addiction, keep him with them, wives who “earn” the sympathy of those around them with such a man - “a heroic woman, and her husband is a goat”, motives and benefits from everyone is different.”Long stories about women“victims”and women“rescuers”will surprise no one.

If, after reading all of the above, you can confidently say that you did not make any of these mistakes and did everything to preserve your relationship, but "NOTHING helped" - your patience and mercy can be envied, leave, end the relationship, draw conclusions about yourself and your role in this relationship and move on. One way or another, I hope for the usefulness of the article and that it will help you avoid many mistakes on the way to finding family happiness and harmony.