About Women's Condemnation, Women's Fear Of Women, Women's Trauma And Its Healing

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The topic of this text has long been in the air for me, in client sessions, in what I observe in society, in some of my personal matters, and that's when I saw the video “Be a Lady. They said”and its great resonance, I decided to write my thoughts on the topic of women's condemnation, women's fear of women, women's trauma and its healing. Longread.

The video became decisive for the text because in the female solidarity with which part of the women reposted this video and how they united against men, I saw an important thing that is often overlooked when it comes to the fact that men oppress women. Despite the fact that in patriarchal culture men are assigned the role of the main aggressors, the real perpetrators of this aggression are often women themselves, who undoubtedly persecute, condemn, humiliate, and spread rot on other women.

A few of the simplest examples.

When we work in sessions about the rejection of our body or appearance, the biggest fear in women is not that a man will not like her, but that she will be discussed and ridiculed by some women. These can be close friends, sworn enemies, someone from the street, but in most cases we are talking about women.

Not so long ago, I saw a girl's text in fb about why she does not plan to have children. The number of women in the comments who ate her for this decision was many times greater than that of men. Nor were they particularly shy in expressions. From curses to death wishes. Although, it would seem, what does it matter to them?

And how much hatred is pouring towards the victims of violence and "samaduravinovat" you can not even say.

There are hundreds and thousands of such examples everywhere. And it creates fear.

Physical violence is committed by men. And emotional abuse is the prerogative of women. And there is a lot of it.

But this text is not about the fact that women are bad and men are great. And not about the fact that men are bad, and women have nothing to do with it. And about the wound that has been reproduced in women for generations, which makes them choose such strategies for survival: attack, aggression, destroy everything that threatens their sense of security.

Once upon a time I found for myself the American psychologist Bethany Webster. I read it in those moments when I lived through my inner hole, and its texts helped me a lot. But then I forgot about her, and returned only recently. When the topic became relevant again. Bethany writes about such a phenomenon as a mother's wound (trauma) - Mother wound. And that every woman in any generation in a patriarchal society bears this wound.

« A mother's wound is the pain of being a woman that is passed down through the generations in a patriarchal culture. It includes dysfunctional coping mechanisms that help to cope with it.

A maternal wound includes pain from:

* Comparisons: not feeling good enough

* Shame: a constant background feeling that something is wrong with you

* Relaxation: the feeling that you have to stay smaller in order to receive love

* Guilt: a constant feeling of guilt for wanting more than you currently have

A maternal wound can manifest as:

* Do not show your maximum self, because you do not want to be a threat to others

* Have a high level of tolerance for bad attitudes from others

* Emotional service

* Feeling of competition with other women

* Self-sabotage

* Being overly tough and dominant

* Presence of eating disorders, depression and addictions

In patriarchal culture, women are used to thinking of themselves as "less than (less -than)" and not deserving or worthwhile. This feeling of "less than" was deeply ingrained and passed down through many generations of women. " (c) Bethany Webster

This wound, which all of us women, to one degree or another, carry within ourselves, makes us look for ways to cope with the eternal feeling of pain that you are “not good enough, valuable, important”.

One of the ways to cope with pain is to attack the one who makes it active in us. For example, it manifests itself in a different way from us. Who can afford more than we can afford, who chooses their freedom, does not live according to the rules, who is visible, bright, recognized, who gets what we do not have. Everything that triggers the feeling of its worthlessness or insignificance inside, triggers the "hit" reaction.

If a person does not hurt anything, he will not go and offend another, neither verbally, nor emotionally, nor physically.

The one who was offended is offended

Criticizes the one who was criticized.

Condemns the one who was condemned.

The one who was attacked is attacking.

Therefore, I am not writing the text to blame those who are already in pain. It is important for me to write about what a mother's wound is, how it was formed, how it manifests itself and what can be done to heal it.

To begin with, many women carry a vague sense of anxiety and fear of other women inside. The most important object in any person's life is the mother. And if this most important person does not recognize you, it hurts, traumatizes and makes you suffer very much. For a woman, not recognizing her mother is a threat to her entire female identity. If the mother denies these qualities in herself, if she denies them in her daughter, then as a result, some part of the daughter becomes split off. It is placed far away in the closet, and no longer appears.

Since the mother's figure is the most significant for the child, it is vital for him to choose the behavior that guarantees him her love and acceptance. Therefore, daughters very often unconsciously refuse any manifestations of themselves, just so as not to receive maternal rejection. (Here I must say that this is also true in the case of men, because for a boy at the beginning of his life, the mother is also the most important figure, but I will write about what happens to men later).

"If a daughter assimilates her mother's unconscious beliefs (which are, to a certain extent, a form of 'I'm not good enough'), then she gets maternal acceptance, but at the same time largely betrays herself and her potential." © B. U.

The fear of rejection, emotional deprivation can be so strong that a girl can give up all of herself and become a maternal servant, her narcissistic extension, a subordinate part that does not have her own voice.

All this creates a huge wound in the soul, which must be closed with something so that it is not heard and does not hurt.

It may also happen that the mother was more or less healthy, loved her daughter, accepted her, but when she went to kindergarten / school, she was surrounded by girls who grew up in toxic families of mothers and grandmothers with their maternal wounds. These girls are also badly injured, but due to their character they became bullies in order to compensate for their feeling of worthlessness. And such girls inflict wounds, subjecting to bullying, bullying, constant condemnation of appearance, nit-picking. Unfortunately, in this situation, even the strongest maternal love and acceptance will not be able to heal this wound. Therefore, depending on the character, the girl either becomes the same bully, or gives up and completely loses herself.

Why is the maternal wound associated with a patriarchal system, because for many generations the world would be such where women were required to be only mothers, to sacrifice their interests for the sake of the family, to be on the sidelines. And sacrifice always comes with the splitting off of anger, which is looking for a way out and can find it in limiting their children, forbidding them to manifest themselves or making them guilty for the fact that life did not work out. Plus the fear that if you don't get married, you will be expelled from the community. This gives rise to a lot of fear and anxiety, makes you hurry, try, fight for men. This is further transmitted as a message "such as you will never marry." And the value of a daughter is determined by her ability to attract a husband.

“There is a lot of guilt in a mother's wound, a responsibility to the mother, for what sacrifices she made, how much she did for her daughter.

Voices begin to ring in the girls' heads that intensify their maternal wound.

"Look what your mother did for you, you are so ungrateful, you owe her the grave."

“My mother sacrificed so much for me that it would have been too selfish to do what she was unable to do in her day. I don't want to upset her."

“I owe my mother. If I upset her, then she will think that I do not appreciate her"

Daughters may be afraid to fulfill their potential because they may fear that this will be a betrayal of their mother. So they try to be less than they could. " © B. U.

There are frequent stories when daughters, out of a sense of duty and responsibility, seem to adopt their mothers. They do this due to the fact that the mother often demonstrates her helplessness, dependence, inability to take care of herself. And the daughter, out of guilt and duty, begins to bear this burden on herself. She thinks that if she gives up being the mother of her mother, she will either die or plague her with guilt. Such a burden is always an undigested ball with feelings of guilt, hatred and a desire to move away from the mother forever and for a long time. Daughters feel obligated to organize a personal life for their mother if she says that because she cared for her so much, she could not choose a new husband for herself. Such daughters may just be a shadow of their mother. Or her husband. Which at one time left her, but the blame for this falls on the daughter.

Mothers can compete with their daughters. Including for the right to be loved. If a woman has received less love and acceptance, she cannot always give them to her daughter. Because envy and pain can turn on from the fact that she suffers from dislike, and the daughter can get everything and not strain for this. Such women are more likely to love sons than daughters. Their pain conflicts with their role as a mother "As a mother I should love her, but I cannot give her to her because I need her myself." This can lead to the fact that she either pulls away, or will send double messages "I love you, but I do not want to be with you." And the daughter, for whom this connection is the most important, will begin to reduce herself, her needs, just to get at least a little mother's love. In this case, the daughter may feel that she is guilty of something and all the time look for the problem in herself.

Mothers may unconsciously direct their anger towards their children, although this anger may not be so much towards the child as a reaction to the fact that she had to give up everything to become a mother. This is her way of dealing with feelings of powerlessness and dependence.

“The mother's wound exists also because there is no safe place for the mother to vent her anger about the sacrifices that society demands from her. And it continues to exist because daughters are still subconsciously afraid of rejection for their choice not to make the same sacrifices as previous generations.

If a mother has not dealt with her pain or has agreed with her victims, then her support for her daughter can be filled with messages that instill shame, guilt, or commitment.

They can appear in any situation, usually in the form of criticism or some form of demanding praise from the mother. This is not always a specific statement, but rather the energy with which they are transmitted contains hidden discontent, rejection and resentment. " © B. U.

But the question of motherhood is very big and painful. Because in addition to the daughter's experiences about how her relationship with her mother is traumatic, there are difficult experiences of the mother herself. Because motherhood is not that easy. It’s very, very difficult. But it was not customary to talk about this in society. It used to be stronger, but even now it does not inspire everyone's approval. And this, too, greatly aggravates the maternal wound. Because a woman is charged with being a mother with words - this is the best thing that can happen to you. And when in reality she faced pain and difficulties, then earlier, more often than not, she received condemnation. And from whom? From the same women. That they, as a mother, are better, and she is bad, that she is infantile, she is too hungry, and the baby must always be loved and never be angry, and not grumble, because God did not give many at all. And therefore, the mother can remain in isolation, because the man does not understand her experiences, and other women, those who should support, condemn. Now the process of unrealization of motherhood has been launched, so support can be obtained. But before, it was almost unrealistic.

Motherhood was a position between a rock and a hard place. Because on the one hand, a woman really lives through her losses, sacrifices, bears her wound and trauma. On the other hand, the condemnation that she is a bad mother.

But is the child to blame for this? In part, he may consider this to be true, because yes, if it were not for him, everything could have turned out differently in the mother's life. But it is a consequence of her choice, conscious or not, but already established. So is it possible to impute it to him? Demand from him any compensation, submission?

And most importantly, and the sad thing about this is that

No child sacrifice will heal a mother's wound

No matter how hard the daughter tries for her mother, she will not be able to compensate for all the losses she had to suffer as a mother.

She will not be able to replace her mother, to give her the warmth that was not received in childhood.

A child will never be so perfect that the motherhood project will pay off.

Mothers may think that it will help them if the daughter receives medals for her, and it will be as if she herself earned them. But the reality is, no child's actions will fill the mother in the way her hungry inner hole asks for. Because this food is of a completely different order.

The sad conclusion here is that mothers need to heal their own wound on their own. To grieve over your impossibilities and losses. Becomes herself the mother who did not exist. It is also important to do this in order to stop the transmission of the wound further.

And in this sense, no child can save his mother. From pain, loss, loss. And it makes no sense to wait or demand this from him.

How maternal injury and misogyny in women are related

Directly.

The larger our wound, the more the field of triggers that make us feel bad, for example, another woman is more beautiful, smarter, more talented, richer, has more. And then, in order to avoid this feeling, strategies of devaluation, attack, denial, condemnation are included.

A woman can feel strong when she compares in her favor, when she condemns someone who is weaker, when she punishes someone who allows herself to do what she does not allow.

Most of these manifestations are defensive behavior. This is a way not to touch my pain, to hear a cry of fear that something is wrong with me.

For example, comparison with others is always a search for safety and guarantees. If I consider myself better, it gives me a sense of calm, albeit under the guise of arrogance. That is why it hurts so much if a woman considers herself better, more beautiful = safe, and the man chooses not her, but another, "terrible" one. Then all the protection collapses.

Why is it important for women to start working with the mother's wound and not just fight men and other women.

Because even if you kill the snake that bit you, there will still be a wound and poison inside that will poison you.

You can destroy all dangerous men and women, but that doesn't make you more valuable. This will not bring light into your life, simply because if there is already a wound / virus / infection inside, then you need to heal yourself, and not those who signal it.

Anger closes the wound. We can fight external enemies without noticing that the enemy is within us

Therefore, the purpose of this text was not to make anyone feel guilty for hurting us. And to draw attention to this phenomenon. Because even if all the “guilty” are punished, the wound will not diminish from this.

It is important to realize that it is my wound that makes me feel bad, do bad things because of this, agree to bad conditions, be silent when I want to speak, speak, when I need to be silent.

Why it is important to know and see your mother's wound

To start your healing process.

When I write that there is no need to condemn other women, I am not saying this out of humanity and concern for others.

When we attack or condemn other women, we activate and strengthen our mother's wound

Let's say we see some behavior or appearance that we don't like and that causes strong emotions. If you look deep into these emotions, you can see that they:

* trigger our feeling "I am insufficient, something is wrong with me." For example, a beautiful, successful, talented woman can cause envy and pain.

* contradict some of our dogmas and rules (and they are usually born as prohibitions from the outside). A woman who allows herself to do something that we think is wrong, or shameful, or forbidden. She has a bright appearance, receives gifts for sex, is not ashamed to love herself and constantly show her selfies, brags and does various things that could be condemned in our families. This can cause anger, shame, fear, envy.

* give us an arrogant feeling of "samaduravinovat". For example, if someone finds himself in some difficult situation because of his above reasons. And behind this arrogance is often the fear that this could happen to me, but in order not to hear it, you have to fence off your armor and attack the one who allowed it.

* and many other options for difficult experiences, which can be hidden by rationalization, a white coat, the words "I am above this", "I am trying for you", "I want to help you become better."

Instead of examining our pain and our emotions, and healing the wound so that it doesn't touch us anymore, we find an easier way - to attack through real judgment, malicious comments, mean actions, or through mental gloating, gossip and bone-washing with others.

Again, why do you need to do something about it? Well, I'm gloating, well, I'm gossiping, what's wrong with that?

And the fact that the projection has not been canceled. The more you condemn, the more your inner critic grows inside you, the stronger your fear of becoming like that, experiencing, doing what you just branded: manifesting yourself, getting into a difficult situation, making a mistake.

When, instead of giving love to yourself, you attack the other, you continue to deprive yourself, increasing the other's danger to yourself.

Instead of paying attention to your wound, you shut yourself off from it, preventing yourself from healing.

And it is important at this very moment to direct attention to your pain and support yourself, to comfort your wounded part, to tell yourself that everything is fine with you, you are safe. And it will be a very long healing process, but in the long term it will bring much more happiness.

How can you do this in life

It is important to begin to be aware, to notice your pain.

When you find yourself on the impulse to judge someone, first ask yourself why you want to do this? What in the behavior, appearance, manifestations of this person touches you?

This is something that speaks not in your favor and you feel your own badness, this is something that you forbid yourself to do, this is something that was condemned in your family, is it fear that someone has received more and you will not have enough?

What kind of pain did it personally activate?

When you hear this, try to talk to yourself as a loved one, support yourself with the words that everything is fine with you, regret it if it hurts or scares. And only then, if you still want to condemn another, you can do it. But first, try to notice your wound and heal it a little.

The less such unconscious condemnation in your life, the greater the chance to accept yourself for real.

A mother's wound is created in a relationship; in a relationship, it can be healed. In relationships with other significant people. Someone who can help can be a therapist, friends, support group, romance. And sometimes we become this significant other for ourselves. Your Inner Mother. And self-support and self-compassion provide a very great resource for this.

I will talk more about healing the wound, but for now I am finishing it, or even so it turned out too much for the first time.

Try to look at your wound and start healing yourself.

If the topic has gone, I will be grateful for your responses.