I Am Helpless - They Owe Me - They Will Be Lost Without Me. Karpman's Triangle Of Codependent States: How To Stop Playing

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

We need someone to survive. If it so happens that we are not very mature psychologically. If it so happened that our parents gave us what they gave. And, perhaps, this is not all. And we may not have learned to be separate without being afraid of it. We may not have learned to take good care of ourselves.

We need someone.

If we are playing the lifeguard, we need the one we want to save. If we are playing the pursuer, we need someone we want to pursue. If we are playing the victim, we need someone to save and someone from whom they save.

Karpman's triangle of codependent relationships

This is a very famous triangle. You may have read a lot about him - the Rescuer-Victim-Persecutor (or Aggressor) relationship.

We can play this game with ourselves, we can play it in pairs, or we can play in a relationship of three or more people. This is a psychological game that, on the one hand, relieves us of the feeling of being unnoticed, fear and helplessness, on the other hand, it binds us with strong codependent bonds, limiting freedom and personal realization.

How Karpman's Triangle Works

In short, using the example of three people. For example, dad is a stalker, a child is a victim, mom is a rescuer. Dad yells at the baby, the baby cries, mom tries to stop him crying.

This is a very simple example. The peculiarity of the triangle is that biologically adults often live in it. Sometimes, it takes away so much energy that, in fact, people live in order to play this game.

Curiously, the roles are changing. Like in a circus, when lions go from bedside table to bedside table. Having been, for example, an aggressor, a person feels guilty and goes to “save” the victim. Having been a rescuer, he despairs and becomes an aggressor - gets angry and blames the victim. And the victim, having received support from the rescuer, becomes an aggressor, reproaching the rescuer (who has already become a victim) - not enough! not so supported! you always need!

I call the triangle of codependent states a game. But sometimes it becomes the meaning of life. Played out unconsciously, consuming energy. This is the real Bermuda Triangle.

Features of the triangle of codependent relationships

I'll highlight a few:

1. As I said, people need a triangle to survive. Psychologically. And sometimes even physically. For example, rescuers can help victims with money for years. And those - and do not think, for example, to go to work …

2. The participants in the game fulfill their mission. Everyone is confident in their "hard lot". Everyone wants to be connected with the other and use the other.

3. Different people "enter" the triangle from different positions. Some are used to being a victim. Someone is a lifeguard. Someone to chase. But inevitably everyone will move in a circle. Staying always on one "bedside table" will not work.

4. All participants in the process have certain unmet needs. Some kind of hunger. And they are sure that saturation directly depends on the other person. They are not aware of their own hunger and do not take responsibility for it. Internally, they are sure that the other must somehow participate in the relationship, that is, somehow fill this void.

5. Without exception - we learn to play this game in our childhood. If play takes place in our lives, then most likely we were born into a codependent family.

By playing the triangle, you can live your whole life, it is not critical. The only question of exit is when you want to improve its quality. For survival, the "triangle" is more than enough.

How to get out of the triangle of codependent states

Many publications describe the very process of "playing" in a triangle. I want to focus my attention on the points that will really help you to stop playing.

So, it is necessary …

1. Notice the very existence of the game. That is, to draw your attention to the fact that "it looks like what is written - about me, it looks like I'm playing in a triangle, it looks like I'm in different roles with certain people."

2. Next: notice the presence of the game right now. It is important. That is, I'm right now trying to save that man over there from starvation. Or I am looking for someone right now who will relieve me of my suffering. Or am I right now trying to "teach life" to the guy who (oh, ungrateful!) Five minutes ago did not want to accept my help. The more thoroughly and in detail you notice yourself playing the game, the better it will be for you. The main danger of the triangle is that it is hidden from the players, that is, they act unconsciously.

3. After you notice yourself playing, try to stay in one role and stop moving in a circle. Who am I now? Yes, right now. O! I am now …

Rescuer

Excellent. Now ask yourself a question personally: what am I doing now? For example, I'm trying to give advice to the girl Katya (to help the boy Petya). Now ask yourself the following question: why would I give him advice? For example, I really wanted Katya to feel better, and Petya began to smile. Super! Now ask yourself the following question: what will I get from the fact that Katya and Petya will get better? For example, I will feel more important. Why should I be more important to Katya and Petit? They seem to remind me of my mom and dad who took little notice of me. And I decided to throw all my strength into helping them, so that later they would finally help me …

The secret dream of every rescuer is to have someone save him.

Victim

If I find that I am a victim right now. Wonderful! I feel so helpless. The whole world is against me! And even this lock broke again, and there is no one to come and fix it … How difficult it is! How bad I am! It seems to the victims that they are very small and that they are negligible before life. And the main question that is important to ask yourself is - can I really not take care of myself now? And think well. Now I am already twenty (thirty, forty, fifty) and a half years old, I stand at this door to my entrance and cannot open the electronic lock. And it seems that everything, I will spend under the door all night and no one will help, no one needs me … Is this really so? There is someone walking, it seems, a man is walking a dog. Perhaps he is from this house. Am I able to turn to him and ask a question … It's kind of a shame. But, in principle, portable. "Hello! Are you from this house by any chance? The key does not work for me. Maybe you have one? " God, it turned out … And he turned out to be a neighbor. And he agreed to help!

The main misconception of the "victim" is that she thinks she is helpless. But this is not the case. The main problem of the victim is that she does not know how to take responsibility for her need and speak directly about it, to satisfy it.

The victim needs someone who "guesses". If the victim asks, then she will not bear the refusal. Will be offended.

Pursuer

The persecutors have grievances against the whole world. He's not built the way they want him to. Everything and everything is wrong. The persecutor blames, aggravates, and wants the other to change. And he sincerely does not understand why this other does not change in any way!

It is difficult for the persecutor to notice that the other is the other. And it's hard to accept a world that doesn't work for the persecutor.

Have you noticed yourself in this role? Stop! This is very good. Ask yourself: who am I chasing now, who do I want to remake, to whom do I make claims? Here he is, this guy on the right. To him. Something he whines a lot! How long to. He should go and work, not whine! And now the next question to myself. Why would I want this guy not to whine? Suppose it becomes easier for me, I stop getting angry. The world will be under my control. And what is hidden behind the fact that I so badly want to control everything? It looks like I'm afraid … I'm very afraid that everything will go by itself … and … I will be reeled on the tracks of this huge tank beyond my control … I am desperately trying to stop him !!! But nothing, nothing comes of it! How tired I am … … When will the long-awaited peace come?!..

Each pursuer secretly wants to finally stop pursuing and get the desired peace … The world will not collapse without him, the world will remain, and he, the pursuer, will also remain. Everyone will survive.

In fact, getting out of the triangle, or rather, moving away from it, not feeling the attraction to relationships of this kind, is a big task and very hard work. Indeed, one or even two times such reflection is not enough to change the way of life that we have lived for 20-30-40 years. However, it is quite possible to start doing this work, and the more often the better.