"I Don't Owe Anyone Anything!" How To Stop Saving The World And Start Living Your Life

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"I don't owe anyone anything!"

Come on?! Seriously? Here, just don’t lie - for sure, there is a list of who you owe what.

To be obliged to everything is the “karma” of the older children in the family.

It so happened that, starting from the age of two to five or seven, they were taught - “you are the elder,” “strong,” “you are smarter,” “you must take care,” “give in,” “you are responsible for everything.” It was a great sense of duty that was invested in them throughout their childhood. And guilt if this duty suddenly came to mind not to fulfill.

It is these people who become heroes. They make excellent life savers.

Childhood passes, everyone grows up. And the “juniors” are already quite capable of taking care of themselves, but both they and the “elders” have an algorithm for interacting with the world and the understanding of how “one should live” remains the same for the rest of their lives.

“Elders” often form such relationships in family and business, where they are always in the role of “giver”.

They are accustomed to being “adults”, “strong”, “doing everything”, “leading the“general line”,“knowing where to go and why”and“taking responsibility for everything and for everyone”.

But sometimes even in their heroic hearts anger and bitter resentment breaks through: "And how long will everyone ride on my neck !?" There is a very offensive feeling that no one appreciates you and everyone takes your help for granted.

Sure. How else?)))

To begin with, it is worth realizing: "What do you actually owe and to whom, and on what basis?"

Write a list:

"I owe … to someone … because …."

For example, “I have to take care of my younger brother, feed him and help him in everything.”

If now you say to yourself - “This is all bullshit. I don't owe anyone anything.” At the same time, you continue to save the whole world, look forward to work, replacing all employees, support your younger sister, mom and dad and husband who is temporarily not working, then I will simply tell you: “Hare to lie”. (Sorry for my French)

Concentrate.

And honestly, as in the spirit, write.

Have you written?

Next to each item, write why, you shouldn't.

For example, “I don’t have to completely and completely take care of my younger brother, feed him and help him in everything, because he is 29 years old and of the two of us he is a grown man, and he himself is able to take care of anyone."

And the third column will be the answer to the question - what will I do now.

What will you do? Sane and sober?))

For example: "I will help my brother in his projects, realizing that next to me is an adult man capable of much himself."

Of course, this is just the entrance to the problem. And the system settings, instilled from childhood and carried by you through your whole life, cannot be easily canceled. But you can at least look at them from the other side. And to realize a lot for yourself.

Being a senior is not easy.

Another feature of older children, and now adults, is that they do not care about their own needs and desires

Since all these desires, as in the order of things, from childhood were sacrificed to the interests of the family and younger brothers and sisters.

Therefore, a certain stereotype has developed that you cannot want anything for yourself. It is possible only for someone.

Surely, you have met women who completely give themselves to children, dress them in the most fashionable things and take them to expensive circles, while hesitating to buy themselves an extra pair of shoes.

It is as if the great commandment of the Russian woman lives inside them: “I can do it this way”.

“Why do I need it. The main thing is Vanya and Varenka. To be healthy and strong. Beautiful and smart. And I … this … I will interrupt."

And it would seem that everything is fine. Caring mother, altruist at work, socially responsible person. First everywhere. Knowing everything. Always ready to help and lend a strong shoulder.

But what's the matter? Why is it so bitter, sad and offensive at times? Where does the devastation and this indescribable longing come from?

Where are your own desires? What's up with them? What to do with them if you can't do anything for yourself? If “I” is the last letter in the alphabet?

So such a woman is trying to do to others what she wants for herself. (But you can't yourself!) She gives beautiful gifts, comes up with surprises, dresses up her daughter, buys the most educational toys and Lego in bulk for her son, and her husband gets from her what she would like from him for herself.

And she expects that all these people, gifted with her generous hand, will appreciate her taste, intelligence and care for them. But as a rule, they do not appreciate it.

Why is that?

Because whose wishes does she fulfill? Are they?

No. Own.

Because she has no other way to feel beautiful than to dress up her daughter. Or feel cared for by caring about something else. Or at least to see the burning eyes of a friend when she receives a gift that she has found with such difficulty.

Feel the joy of others. Perhaps, it will fall for itself.

In fairness, it should be said that such a feature of satisfying one's own needs by projecting them onto others is found not only in older children.

A person attributes his needs to other people without realizing them as his own

It seems to a woman that her daughter loves beautiful outfits. At the same time, she does not notice that the girl does well with shorts and a pair of T-shirts.

She is ready to do “good deeds” without asking others if they need them in such quantity.

She is one of those people who love her job so much that she is ready to do it for free and for everyone who asks.

With burning eyes, she will rush to save all the suffering and needy, again often from her personal bell tower.

Plowing, seemingly for the sake of other people.

This is an illusion. Such a big self-deception.

It seems to a person that he lives in the interests of other people. Not really. He knows little about the interests of other people. He sees only what he personally attributed to them.

To realize that these are my interests, my needs, this is what I need, this is what I want for myself - a huge step, and not immediately available

To see behind all this “charity” your personal needs, projected onto other people, is a serious achievement.

And the first step to this achievement may become a decision to be interested in the desires of other people. And to be surprised to find that they differ from your personal ideas.

And the second step - slowly begin to appropriate what was attributed to others.

For example, to understand that you want to be beautiful, desired, to be admired and to leave your daughter alone.

(Children, they are generally a very convenient screen for projections - just what your own desires can be hung on them! You just wonder))

Start buying yourself what your friend wanted to buy.

Sign up for a guitar course, where my son worked hard.

And to buy myself a bicycle, which was planned to be very necessary for my husband, although he is perfectly satisfied with the car.

Realize - what do you want to give to these people - your clients, patients, champions, students. What do you personally need so much?

And the third step - no less difficult - to learn to ask. Don't just talk about your needs and present them, but ask. It's difficult, I understand.

They don't ask the strong)). Either they demand or are silent, confident that normal people and so should guess everything.

But we have already come to the conclusion that all guesses are our personal projections, and may have nothing to do with the real desires of a person? Yes?

Therefore, do not expect the other to be guided in your desires based on their own projections. Say what you need to say. And ask for it. And then, perhaps for the first time, people will be able to give you what you really want.