2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Hurray, you are "married"
Why is this word in quotation marks, you ask?
I will answer: perhaps this is a legal marriage - officially certified with blue stamps in the passport, with witnesses of the registry office workers and close people, or maybe this is just a long, proven relationship that does not need any confirmation in which you raise children, quietly and calmly happy (as in a legal marriage) and do not want to make excuses to others why this is so.
Anyway, this is not what my post is about.
And about what is happening in the relationship, that sooner or later at least a marriage (so strong, reliable and even long-term - as you saw it 3, 5, 15 years ago) or long-term relationships (with children, with property and also with the conviction that everything was good-ro-sho) - WHAT AT THE OUTPUT DO YOU HAVE DIVORCE, EXPENDITURE (both actual and emotional), SSORU (scandal)?
Working with married couples, I listen a lot. I listen to both of them, if they come together, or one of them (one). I listen to the one who got there, who is ready to present the problem to a third party.
How is it that two people, once loving each other - "suddenly" (I specifically take this word in quotation marks) become deeply lonely, but continue to share space? How long have we been unable to admit to ourselves that the relationship is over? How painful is it for us to feel emptiness in the body? - the questions are deep and cannot be immediately answered. But even more painful is the question: "WHAT DO I DO TO MAKE THE DIVORCE WORK?" (yes, you heard right, it took place. Because ask you what you are doing so that it does NOT happen - you will find many explanations, but YOUR CONTRIBUTION In quarrels, discord, CONFLICTS - few people are looking for.
Below I will describe the main games that are played by partners so that in the end their relationship WILL BE DESTROYED:
Explanation
What is play psychologically?
The term "game" was introduced by E. Berne (American psychologist and psychiatrist. Known primarily as the developer of transactional analysis and scenario analysis)
The game is fixed and unconscious stereotype of behavior, including a long series of actions.
Why do people play games?
Games take up our time and allow avoid sincerity; support our script (rock, karma, fate - call it what you want. I will stick to professional terms); allow distort reality and receive other negative retribution.
Deciphering games, their awareness - is the quality of your relationship with the world, yourself, husband, partner.
So, I will analyze the frequently encountered games between partners in a relationship.
Game number 1: "I will not give …"
I will not give soup, sex, intimacy, tranquility …
Instead of clarifying the conflict situation, if such has arisen, one of the partner (spouses) is offended and puts restrictions on the other.
Sometimes out of spite!
More often, to stroke your grievance, softly curled up in a ball on your chest …
And how difficult is it to part with her then?
How scary is it to be in the vicinity?
Sure! Therefore, it is easier to play with restrictions than to clarify.
The result of the game: one partner sincerely believes that by doing so he "re-educated" (or showed the strength-significance-primacy) of the other in order that he will come to his senses and ask for forgiveness. And the second - goes and gets everything on the side. For example, he gets sex on the side (this is how the basis of treason is born).
Game number 2 "Silent" or shut up the situation …
Instead of discussing a quarrel, looking for a compromise, a way out, speaking out the conflict, one begins to be silent, ignore, pretend not to address him, leave the room, etc.
Keep silent and AGAIN behave as if nothing is happening …
Great, you won’t say anything.
The conflict is concreted again.
The result of the game: so a spouse or spouse can be silent for WEEKS (and there are clinical cases where they are silent for months), creating an even larger abyss around themselves.
Game number 3 "Guess yourself …"
Guess how offended I am …
Guess how not bad …
Guess how angry I am at you … Wow …
And the main thing is to be silent … to be silent … to be silent …
Instead of talking about himself, his feelings, one of the partners pouts his lips and says to everything, "What do you think?"
Aha, you apparently live with a telepath, not otherwise!
Everyone around just has to know how YOU feel!
The result of the game: this is how the family does not talk about feelings of either their own or others. This is how emotional rejection grows.
Game number 4 "Ping-pong" or "-You are a goat, -you are a fool"
Exchange of pleasantries, remembering old grievances …
The name "Ping Pong" came to my mind during a family consultation. Husband and wife entered the office in an amazing way … not together! And opposite each other, as if preparing for something. After a while, I realized what they were preparing for. They pulled out their word rackets and started attacking each other aptly. Pro! What can I say! To be in the role of a judge, I didn't dream of being, and I showed them this game. Right in the office.
Wow!
The result of the game: to drain the slop-anger-irritation on the other and whoever does it better is the "winner".
Although what kind of winner can we talk about here?
Did you recognize yourself in games?
There is something to think about.
And I will continue to write about psychology in understandable language …
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