I Don't Want Him Anymore. And I Don't Want Anyone At All. The Cycle Of Sexual Contact And Its Breakdowns

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The area of intimacy and sexuality is filled with so many myths, dogmas and taboos that on the one hand, it will not interfere with the scientific, on the other hand, the human, adult look

Women often come to my sessions with inquiries on the topic of relationships, and in the process of work, one way or another, questions arise of dissatisfaction with their sex life. True, more often it sounds like: “He doesn't want me anymore. Doesn't take initiative. Doesn't see a woman in me. I don’t remember the last time we had sex.”

It happens that when it is difficult for us to confess our own feelings, it is easier to attribute our feelings to another person: “He does not see a woman in me. He doesn't want me. He thinks everything is fine anyway "or" He is not satisfied with what is happening."

If you ask yourself - “What about me? What do I feel? - then, with a greater degree of probability, it will turn out that I do not have a sexual interest in him and it is difficult for me to see him as a man. What is happening between us, something that I lose all desire or my excitement is not so strong or does not come at all. Or I can't have an orgasm and I feel dissatisfied and alienated in our relationship.

If we also accept the fact that relationships are a movement directed from both sides; they always have “I”, part of my needs and desires, including those that I don’t realize, and not only him and his initiative, then it is possible with full responsibility of an adult to leave the desire to “fix” and “heal” another, but try to figure out what is happening to me.

Charles Herman, former president of the French Society of Clinical Sexology, developed the Sexual Response Cycle. If you put it on the “contact cycle” used in gestalt therapy, then it will look like this.

The cycle of sexual contact:

The basic principles and milestones of the sexual cycle are well described in the book by Martel Bridget “Sexuality. Love and Gestalt. When writing this article, I turned to her work)

So, 1. Sexual interest - this is the first stage in the awakening of energy towards sexuality.

2. A wish - at this stage, one's desire for a real or imaginary object is realized. Sexual desire can be as a response to what is happening outside or as your own internal, as it seems to have nothing unrelated to the desire. It combines attraction (the result of hormones or external stimuli) and excitement from thoughts and fantasies. At this stage, a person decides whether to stay in this phase, slow it down or interrupt it. Or still move on.

3. Excitation … At this moment, physiological signs become noticeable, the main ones of which are vaginal hydration and erection. The body prepares for more intimate contact.

4. Plateau - this is the period when the excitement remains strong enough in one pore. Increased neuromuscular tension; the body prepares for orgasm. If it does not happen, then the decrease in voltage can continue for a long time.

5. Orgasm - the experience of this experience includes a physical and mental component. Physically, it manifests itself in a powerful release of energy, which is experienced by a person sometimes locally, sometimes in the whole body.

6. Permission - the stage of physiological change, during which the organs return to their previous size. This phase of discharge, which occurs immediately after orgasm, can last from a few minutes to several hours.

7. Refractory period - occurs simultaneously with the resolution phase or after it. Its intensity is different for different people, but more noticeable in men. At this time, another cycle cannot start, stimulation can cause a negative response. This phase is longer in older men. Many women have a very short refractory period and can start a new cycle fairly quickly.

8. Experience assimilation or psychic processing - during this stage, a person evaluates what happened and makes decisions for the future.

I often rely on this cycle of sexual contact in sessions to figure out exactly where a breakdown occurs, how and how a person stops himself from moving on.

It is important to remember that the criterion of sexual health is not only the ability to go through the entire cycle from start to finish, but also, at will, interrupt or suspend it at the initial stages.

each of us has an experience that leaves an imprint on how we are building our sex life right now

Childhood traumas, experienced violence, violation of boundaries, incestuous behavior of parents, even if there was no direct physical violence, the experience of the first attempts at sexual life, the formed rigid rules and self-image - all this forms our intimacy and what we bring into contact with another human.

Sex is included in the basic needs of a person. it is on the first rung of Maslow's pyramid, along with the need for food, sleep and water

The satisfaction of this first stage, simple physiological needs, is the foundation for the calm satisfaction of the next. The “hole” at this level shows through hunger, which is very difficult to eat, drink or earn, although many are trying.

We only have two types of energy that move us forward - sexual and aggressive

Biological aggression - will allow us to expand into the world, develop, learn new things, move towards our goals, present ourselves, satisfy our needs, take what we need and go to what we want.

Annihilation aggression - the whole set of negative feelings (irritation, anger, anger, hatred) occurs when something interferes with our movement towards what we need, and we unconsciously inhibit our healthy biological aggression. In this case, it transforms into annihilation, turning into anger, rage and anger.

Sexual energy is equally important in meeting our needs. It is present by default in every living person, even if it is not recognized and felt as such.

The healthy channeling of sexual energy is to another adult of the same kind

But it happens that for some reason an adult cannot satisfy his sexual desires with an adult like him, in this case he begins to unconsciously look for other ways to satisfy his sexuality. And often children become the object of the whole flurry of sexual feelings.

Parents, especially those who are uncontrollably in love with their children, often do not sense where they begin to use their children as a sexual object. I'm not talking about cases of sexual abuse, in these cases, adults tend to understand what is happening. I'm talking about agitated, all-consuming love that has a place in a relationship between two adults, and not between mother and son or daughter and father or mother and daughter or boy and his dad.

Where the parents do not direct all their sexual energy towards their partner, the child becomes the default partner.

And with all this burden of incestuous experiences towards the parent of his or the opposite sex, the child has to live on and somehow build his sexuality on this traumatic experience.

The question of boundaries is one of the most significant in the formation of sexuality

People whose boundaries have been systematically violated can hardly reveal their own feelings and needs, determine what they themselves want. It is difficult for them to separate their feelings and needs from the desires of another person. On the other hand, there is a tendency to attribute one's feelings and thoughts to another. And if it turns out that the other is different, he has other plans, different needs and desires that are not similar to mine, then tragedy and another disappointment.

Sexuality is one of the subtle aspects of our personality that plays a huge role in our life. whether we like it or not, it is present in all respects

Our own sexuality often remains a mystery to ourselves. Shame interferes with realizing this area of oneself and putting into words feelings, experiences, doubts and desires. Despite the general sexual revolution, the topic of sexuality remains taboo.