I Don't Want You Anymore. Where Does Sex Drive Go?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There is an opinion that all men are sexually preoccupied and that only they need it all the time. But alas, when a couple has lived under the same roof for several years after the wedding, it often happens that one of the partners, who eventually begins to avoid intimate relationships, becomes a man. Equally, like women, they find themselves in the role of someone who denies a partner in intimacy, motivating this with fatigue, workload, stress, and poor health. And today it is no longer a secret for many that the myth about a headache closer to the night is far from a purely feminine method of denying sex.

So what happens in pairs? Two people who, as often happens, converge precisely on the basis of sex, and even marry drunk with sexual pleasure each other, after a while cool off each other. Or one of the partners grows cold, and the second is constantly seeking intimacy from him, each time being offended by the partner's refusals. The one who avoids sex often rapes himself in silence. By placing his body at the disposal of a partner, just because he does not go to another (another), the avoiding turns his life into a form of physical violence, constant lies and avoidance of guilt and fear of losing a relationship. And it often happens that the couple seems to be doing well in the relationship, but the problem is in the sexual sphere of life. becomes the field on which the scenario of violence and rejection between two people unfolds.

So where does the sex drive go? What happens to partners that they lose the charm of sexual relations that once became the reason for their decision to be together forever?

I see several reasons.

• I do not believe that everyday life "eats up sexual relations." If this were so, then there would be no couples in which one is begging for sex all the time, and the other is raping himself. Then he would disappear from the life of the couple and people would just go on to friendly relations. Indeed, for one partner, the thirst for intimate relationships remains for some reason, despite everyday life. But what happens to the second then? In the first place in the destruction of the couple's sex life, in my opinion, is the unspoken, hidden resentment and suppressed anger in the partner who avoids intimacy. He may not even be aware of these negative feelings, which prevent him, as it was at the initial stage of the relationship, from freely accessing his sexual desire. Somewhere something happened that greatly offended the partner, but he chose to remain silent. And the first sign and signal that there is an unfinished situation associated with resentment is the disappearance of kisses from the couple's relationship. And then sex becomes poorer and more violent.
• The child-parent scenario also kills the sex life of a couple: when two partners stop dating as a man and a woman, and begin to play the roles of parent and child for each other. Signs of such role confusion are phrases that are often pronounced in pairs: "I allowed you to go to your friend …", "I let you go fishing..", "You didn't ask me for permission …" or when partners start calling each other not by name, but "mom" and "dad". Or when one of the partners behaves more like an infantile child, and the other takes on the role of a parent or boss. But sex is not possible between parent and child.
• Jealousy and control also over time kill sexual attraction in a couple and the focus of attention shifts here to the third - the one to whom they are jealous. Jealousy and control just lead to the fact that sexual attraction from the couple "runs away" to the side.

• The attachment of one of the partners to his parent of the opposite sex also seriously undermines the intimate life of the partners. If a woman is strongly attached to his father, and a man to his mother, then on the psychological level, sexual intercourse does not take place in a pair, but outside the pair, and this relationship can rightfully be called incestuous, although physical incest does not occur. For example, if a man, almost running to his mother, succumbs to her manipulations, to put the mother's needs in the foreground, and his wife is in second place, then sooner or later such a woman will avoid sex with her husband and most likely that her excitement will soon be replaced by disgust for him. In the same way, when a woman worships her father and compares her husband to him, then the man has no chance of a full-fledged role of a partner and sooner or later he will also turn his back on his wife, abandoning all attempts to wedge himself into her love relationship with her father.
• A separate item - a young mother-in-law, who unconsciously competes with her daughter and invades the bedroom of the young - is a cancer for the intimate life of partners.

• I believe that one of the most serious reasons for the withdrawal of sexual attraction from a couple is the sexualization of one partner. When for the second sex turns into violence, when there is a lot of it, often and a lot is unbearable. We can speak here about the difference of temperaments. But it somehow happened that these partners at the beginning of the relationship did not find this difference? Normally, the frequency of sexual intercourse in a couple, after changing from romantic love to mature love, should decrease. But for some reason, one of the partners remains insatiable: he needs often and a lot. We used to call such people temperamental. But here everything is not so simple and transparent. After all, such a partner practically does not know other ways to enjoy and relax, except to enter into an intimate relationship. Any stress for him will be an impetus to increase his sex drive. The point is that such a partner sexualizes his anxiety. He has it strong enough and seeks to reduce it through sexual intercourse. In most cases, this is an anxiety of abandonment, abandonment, originating in early childhood and formed from the fear of loss and hunger for love. This partner does not seem to be able to get enough of sex, he is constantly not enough for him. He may not cheat on his partner, but want to bond only with his wife (husband) and not go to the side, and at the same time he seems very in love, loyal and faithful. But his fear of losing a partner, as if pushes him all the time to intimate fusion, to possession of the body of another, because only in this way can he feel calm and secure - in this act of fusion. It is because of this anxiety of abandonment that he becomes obsessed with others and exhibits harassing behavior. As for the second, for him in such a situation, sex becomes a duty, since he feels that behind the desire of a partner is not mature love and sexual attraction, but the hunger of an infant who is afraid that he will never feel the taste of breast milk in his mouth again, which calms down only in merging with another. And this other begins to feel over time as a mother's breast, from which nutritious milk should flow like a river. And this is the most dramatic reason for the departure of sexual desire from the life of a couple. After all, the second constantly feels that he is just a tool for reducing the anxiety of the second, for satisfying his hunger. And if the second person turns out to be codependent, like the first, then the couple is provided with a painful life, with many rapes and many cruel rejections based on guilt and fear of loss. And in this case, both partners are traumatized in such a way that even if they have the courage to break off the relationship "because of the mismatch of sexual temperaments," they leave the relationship hurt and wary and enter into a new relationship with a huge baggage of painful projections of the past.
• People began to attach many different meanings to sex. For example, sex is shame, or sex is resentment, or sex is a regulator of the flow of money in a couple, or sex is the power of one over the other, etc. Not two naked bodies meet in bed, but two meanings (often hidden for that other).. And then sex becomes a bargaining chip in the commerce of relations between a man and a woman.

Sexual relationships are considered healthy only when both partners feel good about them, when neither of them experiences a feeling of violence and rejection, when sex happens to be a joy for both, and not "on duty." But such a relationship is possible only between two mature people.