7 Reasons For Children's Lies

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why can children deceive us? In this article, I give 8 reasons why kids lie.

Reason 1. Dependence on the mood and behavior of others. From childhood, a child may think that he can influence the mood and behavior of people close to him. This illusion of "omnipotence" makes him dependent on the actions of other people. Let me give you an example: a boy, 4.5 years old. After the conversation with the teacher, which took place without the presence of the child, the mother looked very upset. Her son in the kindergarten had a fight with two children, taking away their toys, one hit on the head. Mom, taking the child from the kindergarten, decided on the way to the house to talk to him about the kindergarten, not focusing on the fight. She simply asked: "How are things in the kindergarten?" The child replied: "Mom, everything is fine." Apparently, in this situation, the child caught the mood of the mother and did not begin to upset her by talking about his fight with the guys.

Have you noticed it? Reassure your child that he is not to blame for your mood. Tell him that you had a fight with your friend, or do not have time to do something at work, or are simply tired, so that he understands that your emotions have nothing to do with his fight, a deuce, a note in a diary, or simple playfulness. Tell him that you need time to come to your senses, relax for half an hour, drink tea and you will be happy to read to him, play with him, finish your homework, or just have a heart-to-heart talk.

Reason 2. Lack of acceptance and unconditional love in relation to the child and, as a result, fear of a negative reaction to some event that happened to the child. Quite a lot has already been written about unconditional love and its importance in the lives of children. But at the same time, more and more parents love the child "for something" or when he is "good", not accepting his negative qualities, self-indulgence, pranks, mistakes. When a child lacks the experience of acceptance and love “just like that”, it undermines his trust in his parents, and, as a result, can be the reason for lying. It seems to the child that he will be punished again, scolded. He does not know that his mother can take it easy on the fact that tea was spilled on her diary, and dad will calmly take into account that his phone "accidentally" fell into the water …

Have you noticed it? Whatever the child does, let him feel your love. Hug him, sit next to him, ask him: "How does he assess his own act and what can be done to avoid it in the future?" You can discuss together where to hide valuable things so as not to spoil them, or, if the child is older, he can come up with a way to compensate for the value of this thing in another equivalent, for example, wash the dishes (if the mother always does this) or sit with the younger child while the mother runs around on business on weekends. But at the same time, the child should always know that he is loved.

Reason 3. The third reason follows from the second reason. When parents cannot separate the personality of the child from his deed. I immediately recall the poem by S. Marshak "About one student and six units":

A student came from school

And I locked my diary in a drawer.

- Where is your diary? - asked the mother.

I had to show her the diary.

Mother could not resist sighing, Seeing the inscription: "Very bad."

Learning that the son is so lazy, The father exclaimed: "Mischief!"

- You are a very nasty student, -

With a sigh, the mother said, -

Take your terrible diary

And go to sleep!

Parents tell the child that he did something wrong in this situation and evaluate the child's personality: “You are bad! Good girls / boys don't do that! Who wants to be bad next time? Better to keep silent about the incident, maybe no one will notice. Or, to the last, deny your involvement in the event.

Have you noticed it? Practice distinguishing the child's behavior from his personality. Yes, sometimes he does wrong, but that does not mean that he is always bad. Here, admitting my mistakes can help: "You know, I don't have time to finish the report either …" or "I remember my feelings when I received a not very good assessment …". Let him see your non-ideality, it will be easier for him to experience his feelings and cope with mistakes. Be on the side of the child.

Reason 4. Inability to say no, inability to resist pressure from someone. I want to give an example from practice: a boy, grade 5. Often faced with the fact that he has to lie to friends. To my question how he does it and for what reason he answers: “I want to be at home. It's just that sometimes doing nothing, messing around. And friends call me for a walk, offer to go somewhere. And I'm too lazy. But it's hard for me to admit that I just want to stay at home, I come up with all sorts of "reasons": I need to help my mother, homework is not done, to sit with my younger sister … ".

Have you noticed it? Teach your child to say no and assert their boundaries with respect for other people. For example, "I'm sorry, but I can't go for a walk," "I'm sorry, but I can't give you my breakfast," "I'm afraid, but it's impossible." If he is not heard in rejection, teach him to repeat his "no" until the manipulator has no convictions. Tell us about your experience, how and to whom you have to refuse.

Reason 5. Invasion of the child's privacy, disrespect for his boundaries. If the child does not have the opportunity to defend his point of view, the boundaries of his space are violated, it will be difficult for him to tell the truth. Parents can themselves provoke a lie in a teenager, trying to find out about different sides of his life, they can read a diary or poems of a teenage girl in which there is unrequited love, or they can find films that are completely "not childish" in a boy … Then they begin to present these "evidence" in order to get closer to the world of his child, but the child, on the contrary, ceases to trust his parents, because they climb into his life, do not allow him to breathe freely. I have to dodge in such questions as: what do I need pocket money for, why did I come home not at 9 pm, but at 10 … It is very difficult to tell the truth when your every step is controlled or criticized.

Have you noticed it? Respect the child's opinion and space. Give him the right to secrets. I agree that it is not easy to let go, to trust, to transfer responsibility, not to prohibit, but without this the child will not develop trust in you and the desire to share his problems. There are topics that you should touch upon, such as his health and safety. Bring this to the child: "You can not tell me the names of your friends or not tell me what music you listen to, but if you have something sick, I must know about it." Remember that if you build trust with your child, he will want to reciprocate. And for this you will not need to pry, and the child will come and tell everything that worries him.

Reason 6. The child's desire to assert himself. The desire to attract attention, the child has problems that need to be resolved

I will also give you an example from practice: a girl, 13 years old. Moved to a new school. After a while, the girl's mother and teachers began to notice that A. began to lie in relationships with her classmates. And then my mother (parents are divorced) turned to a psychologist. The reason for lying in the 6th grade girl was that she wanted to please her classmates. But, since the family was not very wealthy, and everyone had fancy phones, expensive things, etc., she began to embellish her life, talking about how they vacationed somewhere abroad, that dad (who is practically does not take part in raising her daughter) buys her beautiful expensive toys … So, there is a lack of attention from the mother, envy that she is not "like everyone else." At the consultation, my mother realized that she needed to pay more attention to her daughter's needs (not only material, but also emotional). Together they worked out a plan for what to buy and how to spend time based on the family's budget, what mom should do to make her daughter feel more confident without resorting to deception. She also found a way to attract the attention of her classmates with the help of her personal qualities, such as a sense of humor, sociability, empathy and charm.

Have you noticed it? The example clearly shows that the child needs to find other ways of self-affirmation. And talk more … about himself, about what is interesting to him. Again, it's important to pay attention to his needs. But don't pry. And to make it clear that "I am near and if you need help, you can always turn to me."

Reason 7. Lies of parents. Yes, the child learns from his parents. And deception as well. Even in those moments when, it would seem, he is not brought up, he is not given direct instructions, he still absorbs the behavior of his parents like a sponge. When mom says to her friend: “Oh, I bought such an expensive dress today, I won’t tell my husband how much it costs,” or dad persuades the child not to tell mom that while they were walking, he met his good friend, whom he knew from childhood, so that she do not upset. It would seem like a lie for salvation, but this is enough for a child. In order to draw conclusions that "lying for the good" is sometimes good.

Have you noticed it? Monitor your speech. Even in those moments when you are not talking to your child directly, but when you are talking with friends, colleague, husband, teacher, caregiver, acquaintances and neighbors. Remember that children celebrate and learn every minute of their lives.

Helping the child from the parents in a situation of lying is primarily not in getting rid of this addiction, but in creating conditions for the expression of honesty and a free comfortable space in which the child can be himself without resorting to deception.