"Nice Guy Syndrome". Reflections Of A Psychotherapist, Part 2

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

And now the promised continuation of the last article about the lifeguard complex and the fear of success.

Rescue of the drowning

The good ones love to save. The role of the rescuer is a "fat" place. You are needed, which means that it does not matter at all who you are. We remember that good boys and girls have a low opinion of themselves and believe that you can love them only for something. For a very big something.

Their relationship most often develops with "unfortunate" of various calibers. This is a common story. We often confuse "he loves me" and "he needs me." And please, do not misunderstand me - it has nothing to do with a physical or any other handicap. Here we are talking about the fact that our nice guys, for some reason, write down the objects of their care as "unfortunate" or "flawed" and somewhere deep inside they expect a serious reward for such a feat. For men, there is more expectation of sexual "gifts" here, although they also like the surcharge of eternal gratitude and devotion. Women expect more reliability from all capital letters N. But the message of both Mars and Venus is the same - "Since he needs me, he will not go anywhere!"

It is very important to understand that, consciously or most often unconsciously, nice guys of any gender will maintain a state of helplessness and "neediness" in a partner. This is the guarantee of their need, which they take for love. You've probably heard "He / she will be lost without me!" and a kind of sacrificial sigh with the inevitable rolling of the eyes. Women (men too, but rarely) can fall into the "seriously ill child" scenario. Both can play the helpless spouse card. What a great excuse not to live your life! And being good just continuously. You are guaranteed a lifelong role as a savior.

I can feel right now how you are indignant and tell me that THE SAME CIRCUMSTANCES HAPPEN and now how to distinguish just good people from the Good Boy ™ state? By the way, it is important to understand that "goodness" is stitched in many of us at the level of "iron" (about the roots of morality in monotheism, some other time) and almost all of us can fly into it from all over, without even noticing. So that a crisis situation does not turn into a life-feat, and you become a victim, it makes sense to allow yourself a non-cinematographic and non-glossy understanding of relationships and life, in general.

Ordinary, not ideally good people, when faced with difficulties, may doubt whether they can handle such a burden. It doesn't matter what it is about. About marrying a widower with five children, about how to live with a child, wife or disabled husband, or about giving up a career for the good of the family. It is important for them to listen to themselves and understand what is happening and what they want, how much they will "pull" such a situation and how to preserve themselves at the same time. Doubt does not make them rascals, it makes them living people.

It's not good for good boys to doubt. How good is he if he can think out loud about whether he can handle it or not? Is what this woman (man, this life) gives him worth all the aggravating circumstances? Therefore, good ones are often drawn into unnecessary and even unbearable relationships for themselves, which they cannot break in any way. Those. these wonderful people manage to be both a savior and a victim at the same time. A terribly tedious task. By the way, relationships are often painful for the other side, but how can you leave a person who does so much for you? And you get used to free meals …

Success

Nice guys and nice girls are very often on the average level of achievement. Despite the fact that the intellect is often much higher than average, the abilities are quite enough, and even the efforts made … But in order to achieve success, it is necessary a) not to be afraid of inevitable defeats on the road and b) not to be afraid of real success.

Failures and falls

Who among us, starting a new business, a project, simply opening our mouths to express our opinion, is not afraid of failure, disappointment, condemnation of the "audience"? Probably only those for whom the opinion of others is absolutely unimportant. Psychopaths, that is. Those who pathologically lack this trait, developed by evolution for survival and cooperation. There is always a risk of defeat. But nice guys ™ live in their own world of illusions, it seems to them that there should be an opportunity to live without falls and disappointments. It cannot but be! The easiest way to avoid hazards and risks. Of course, more often than not, we do this unconsciously. As well as many other things.

• No high expectations. We know our six, like all other crickets. "Is this a revolutionary idea? -Yes, what are you!", "Can my business bring 3 million a year? -Dreaming." "Can I become a candidate for the post of director? -Less read science fiction." We decide that this path, this profession, this dream, a happy family is not for us. We have already tried to solve the problem three times and all three times did not work. Surely this is a sign from above. After all, to fall and screw up in this world is a piece of cake. One has only to leave the house. So what? We don't go out.
• We stop waiting for pleasant surprises from life. For we have already learned that only failures are unexpected. It is better to stick to the knurled track, try to foresee everything that is possible and control reality to the maximum.
• We no longer take risks and do not rush into the maelstrom of new ideas and promising projects, because with the most careful calculations, the price may still turn out to be unreasonably high, and no one insures us against failures.
• We avoid being happy, because sooner or later some kind of jamb will happen and happiness will "spoil" and will no longer be as perfectly happy as we imagined it for ourselves. And since we are afraid of surprises, we know our sixth and have already tried all this "happiness" as many as three times, we'd better spoil ourselves there. In advance. In order not to suddenly fall, not to break a knee or heart.

So we live so that God forbid. Instead of accepting failures and failures as a normal part of life and learning to deal with them. Get over them. Like an unexpected boulder or a fallen tree on the road. However, the nice guy inside will always tempt us to turn back, completely disappointed in these stupid roads and ridiculous way of transportation.

Fear of success

One of the real and serious risks in new endeavors is to succeed. "Fear your desires, for they come true." What will you do with the fact that you are suddenly a successful person? It's the whole world upside down (well, or vice versa). You will no longer be able to hide in the shadows and will have to answer for the consequences. You will have to learn to live in a new world. What's in it that scares you?

• They will see you. You took and showed the world that you CAN. Now they will turn to you for advice, money, just drink tea with jam, because it is nice to be in the company of a successful person. How can you fail to match your success?
• Success can rob you of the path to the unattainable. You are already in the mood that all your life you will be fighting over an unsolvable problem - Fermat's theorem, buying your own house, creating a family, looking for a soul mate, and then once and for all. Here is love, a brilliant idea or a way to make money. Have you already got used to your world of "not-with-our-happiness" and how now?
• Success may not be what you expected. That is, it is always not like that, but in order to discover it, you need to achieve it. A new position means new responsibilities, more money means worries about where to invest (or how to squander it), close relationships are a continuous dance, where everyone hears their own music, etc. etc. Do you need it?
• Success will change the attitude towards you. In different directions. Someone will admire, someone will envy, someone will respect, someone will want to communicate with you with mercenary goals … The fact remains - you will be treated DIFFERENTLY. And here comes the fear of losing those who are near. In many responses to the previous article, there are concerns, "And if I change and stop being" good ", what if I lose those for whom I am trying?"

There are many other concerns, but not all at once.