Fear Of Loss Is Not Love

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

When I work with clients about relationships, sometimes I see this picture. It seems that the relationship is not very good, but as soon as the thought appears on the horizon that the second one can stop loving, leave, leave, find another, at the same moment the first one ignites passion, desire, love with a hellish flame. The second becomes the meaning of life. The most important thing. And all the talk about how much they love him, and how terrible it is to lose him. But the truth is, there is almost no love in this fear of losing love. This is about survival, about the primary horror, about regression into childhood, where life depended on the presence of a mother. And in this all there is no partner in reality. There is an object that must always be there to ensure the integrity of the injury. And when he leaves, it's scary not to survive. This feeling is irrational and does not include the real other at all. It is about the image of being abandoned in the past and feeling like a complete insignificance, once they leave again. It is about the fear of the very process of leaving, and not about a specific person.

So if you are afraid of losing your partner, this does not mean that you love him.

Psychological sketches from sessions

He came to me two years after the first meeting. We have already tried to work with him, but it is difficult to work with this type of men. He left. He said that he would do everything himself and the therapy is bullshit. Not much remained of his enthusiasm this time. He had noticeably lost weight and looked very sad. I was a little afraid, didn't know what to expect. But he just started talking.

- I only love her when she leaves. Then everything changes, the light fades and it is extremely important for me to return her. In ordinary life, I hardly care about her. I am enraged by her silly jokes, laughter, attempts to seem sexy, reflections on life. Almost everything pisses me off. And it seems to me that if it weren't for her, my life would be perfect. But as soon as she leaves, everything inside me is cut off. I stop eating, sleep badly, it seems to me that life is losing its meaning. I'm starting to return it. Actively, persistently. The problem is that this happens for the nth time already, and if before it was enough to call, then give flowers, then promise to change (but not change), now she believes me less and less. I used to get her back in a few days, now I have to run after her for weeks. And at that moment it seems to me that I will really change. That this time, when she returns, she will no longer annoy me, that I finally realized how much I love her. But each time, history repeats itself. Even after several weeks of hellish chase, love does not come to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm just playing with her. That I am interested in the very attempt to return. It's like I'm just proving to myself that I'm cool. And after proving this, I calm down. She starts to piss me off again.

Once she left for six months. During this time, I lost 15 kg, the work fell apart, I even turned a little gray. Every day I started with self-accusations that I had lost the best girl in the world, I became aggressive, my friends worried about me. They made me go to a psychologist. I refused for a long time, it seemed to me nonsense. The psychologist also annoyed me. She asked stupid questions about my feelings, asked about my relationship with my mother, as if it made some sense. I just wanted my ex back. What difference does it make what kind of relationship I had with my mother? What difference does it make that there really weren't any. She had her own life, I had my own. I wanted her to see and hear me, but she got married a second time and saw only her new husband. At first I lost my temper, then I ran away from home, she was looking for me, and when she found me, we were together for a while. I thought that now she would only love me. But a day later she again forgot about me and I began to hate her. As did her new husband. Therefore, I left home early and we did not communicate with her anymore. Rather, she wants to communicate with me, writes, calls, but I do it through force. I want her to suffer as I did then. But what does all this have to do with the fact that I can't get my girlfriend back?

“You don’t love her.

- I think it's just important for me to feel in control. I feel in control when everything goes according to plan. Even if I am annoyed with her, then I control it myself. And when she leaves, I lose control. And I direct all my strength to bring it back. Not a girl, but control.

- Why is control so important?

- Because when he is not there, I live through complete powerlessness, I am scared, I remember my childhood horror, I am alone in the room, my mother is going on a date, I understand that I will be left alone at home, and I understand that I cannot bear it. Then I "accidentally" pour boiling water over myself. Mom begins to rush around me, screaming that I am stupid, that I ruin her life with my crooked hands, but she has no choice but to stay at home with me. She heals me and cries at the same time. And I understand that that man is more important to her than me. It was painful. Physically I was in pain from the burns, emotionally I seemed to be dead. And I stayed in this state for a long time.

- And how does this affect what is happening to you now?

- I don't know, sometimes it seems to me that I live only when I run after someone. When people are around, I push them away, I get bored, they are all so ordinary and uninteresting. And then I start provoking them into reactions. I need to see how it hurts them, how they depend on me. Probably the same with a girl, I want to see her addicted, but always ready to run back. But there was an intrigue, and I did not know whether she would return or not.

- And now she left again?

- No, now she is near, but I see that these are the final chords, she clearly does not feel good with me, I also suffer. It’s bad with her, and it’s scary without her. Now I already understand that it is not about her. I remember past relationships, they were all like this. But with less drama. Probably, I still love this one a little. Although I don't know what love is. For me it is the desire to possess. But it is thirst, not the very process of possession. Then it's already boring and you have to bring in the game, quit, reject and provoke.

- What do you want from me?

- I do not know. I just came to share. Once upon a time, your questions made me wonder what was wrong with me. And I thought that you could ask new ones and I’ll resolve everything for myself.

- Unfortunately, such situations are not resolved by questions alone.

- Well, I don’t know.. Now I feel better. Perhaps I will come to you again.

And he left.

I don’t know what will happen next. The work, if any, is extremely difficult. Both for me and for him.

There is a lot of fear in loss, but it doesn't always mean love.