Types Of Love And Their Difference: Passion, Falling In Love, Love Addiction, Absolute, Mature Love

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Love … A word familiar from childhood. Everyone understands that when you are loved is good, but when you are deprived of love, it is bad. Only everyone understands it in their own way. Often this word is used to refer to something that turns out to be not quite love or not love at all. With what only she is not confused … With passion, with jealousy, even with physical violence. Remember the popular wisdom: "Beats - it means he loves", or another popular attempt to determine the essential signs of love: "Jealous means he loves."

But it is most often confused with emotional addiction. Quite often, people simply put an equal sign between these concepts, reasoning something like this: “Love is, of course, dependence, and very strong. True love assumes that I cannot live without a loved one. Best of all, if he can’t live without me”. The mythical component strongly influences such an idea of the subject of our discussion. The myth of two halves, which are scattered around the world, but must find each other and merge together, is very popular among lovers of different times and ages. Undoubtedly, a very beautiful myth, but one must remember that this is a myth, that is, a wonderful combination of the incompatible in real earthly life.

But in fact, the embodiment of such ideal relationships remains a dream. By the way, a dream does not mean an unnecessary and useless business. It is even very necessary and very useful, since it shows us the direction of our aspirations, gives these aspirations strength, and changes our life for the better by our actions directed and strengthened by it, a dream. But we must not forget that a dream is an ideal. Every person, even a little familiar with the realities of the long-term relationship of lovers, understands that there can be no question of any merger. Moreover, the desire for complete merger in real life can be quite harmful for this life itself, more precisely, for the people living it.

To understand our, at first glance, a simple question, it is necessary to investigate and separate the concepts of "love", "passion", "falling in love".

So love. This is a gift. This is what a person offers to another, without demanding anything in return, without insisting on the acceptance and use of his offer. Simply formulating the message of “pure” love, not mixed with anything else, it will turn out: “I love you. This is my gift to you. If you accept it, it will warm you and strengthen you. You can swim in it as long as you like."

Passion is another matter. This is the seduction, involvement, pulling of another person into movement "in its own orbit." The passionate seducer, radiating tremendous energy, paralyzes the critical capabilities of the seduced, limiting his ability to freely choose. The message of this kind of attitude is as follows: “I want to attach you to me, to possess you as a thing, property. Whether you want it or not, it doesn't matter. I want it so much that you cannot resist me. " As you can see, the difference with love, as we presented it above, is huge. Passion in its pure form does not leave the right to choose, it sweeps away barriers, weakens the seduced, turning him into an object that can be completely disposed of.

And what, then, is falling in love? She is nothing more than a combination in different proportions of the first and second, love and passion. The behavior of one lover can be very different from the behavior of another. Why? Precisely because the ingredients in their love are different. One is dominated by passion, the other is love. It is interesting that the extreme manifestation of both the one and the other pole for stability, constancy of relations can be equally harmful. Imagine a person who loves with absolutely pure love without the slightest admixture of passion, giving complete freedom to a loved one, watching with a detachment how the object of love starts and breaks relationships with others, accepts or rejects our lover … - Saint, - you say. And you will be right. Because this kind of ideal, purest, unadulterated love does not keep a loved one. If she did, it would be contrary to her very essence. The connection between people in this version of the relationship is gradually weakening.

Now imagine the other extreme. Passion without impurities - of the purest test, in full power, without a limiter in the form of love. What happens? Nightmare and horror. The devastation is spiritual, psychological, and, by the way, physical. Careful with such pure passion! Better not get too close. She will absorb you and digest, that is, she will kill (sometimes not only metaphorically) if you become her object. And this, unfortunately, is not a fantasy. There are cases when lovers inflicted injuries on their beloved, and sometimes even killed them, driven by passion alone, which they did not want to lead. Then relatives will say about them: "He loved so much that he killed (almost killed)." Passion keeps its object on a very short leash, that is, unlike the relationship of "pure love", the connection between passionate lovers is quite close, even too much.

Thank God, in our real life, such pure manifestations are quite rare. Therefore, stable and stable ties arise between people, people cope with difficult and even crisis moments in their communication, and those who are especially gifted in this regard manage to maintain relationships for decades that are not ashamed to be called love.

By the way, let's figure out where such craftsmen come from - the builders of love relationships. Is it an innate gift or an acquired skill? To this question, of course, one must answer that these abilities are acquired in the process of life, that they are acquired, not found, that they happen or are spontaneously revealed.

In adolescence, early youth, few people know how to love "mature love". The very phrase "mature love" absolutely does not fit with youth. And where does the maturity of feelings come from in a young creature? Therefore, youth loves as best it can. And she knows how to love "immature love", falling into emotional dependence. There is even a term "love addiction". In this version of the relationship, a person seems to dissolve in the object of dependence, is ready to sacrifice the most important principles for him, allows this very object to do things with himself that he would never have allowed anyone before. The love addict transfers the authority to control himself to this object embedded in his personality. Moreover, the latter is introduced, often without even knowing about it or suspecting only when the dependence has already been formed, since it does not always set itself the goal of being introduced. It's just that the addict himself opens the doors of his soul too wide.

People who were brought up like a family idol in childhood or who grew up in dysfunctional families (as an option - an alcoholic family) are especially prone to the formation of emotional addictions (as well as addictions of a different nature). In the first case, as a rule, the child had a very close emotional connection with one of the adults, most often with the mother. Many works of psychoanalysts are devoted to this topic. In the second case, from childhood, a person gets used to often experiencing stressful situations and subsequently looks for them in adulthood.

Emotional addiction makes it possible to experience intense stress all the time. A peculiar situation is created: a person suffers and, at the same time, enjoys the experienced emotions.

In a dependent love relationship, a person treats the object of love precisely as an object. He wants to know the thoughts of a loved one, feelings, to see every step that he takes. He demands that the beloved is constantly there, fulfilling all requests, constantly proving his love and loyalty. The question arises: why does he need it? The fact is that it is much easier to build relationships with an object: put it in your pocket - and order. You can also trim sharp corners for comfort so that they do not touch when walking. With a passive object, you see, it is much easier. And with a living person - a continuous headache. I want to lie on the couch with him all alone together, but he wants to go to the concert. What to do about it? At the same time, he still constantly strives to communicate with other people, but I understand that this communication is dangerous - suddenly he will be carried away by someone else and leave me. Therefore, I strive to know all his thoughts and feelings, I ask what he thinks about, I am jealous of him even for dreams, because I have no access to them. It's a pity. In general, it is not easy with these subjects. Objects are much easier.

Jealousy is a constant companion of immature, dependent love, love-possession. If a person is "objectively" like this to his beloved, it is natural that he seeks to possess the object of love-dependence. And any encroachment on this object (even if it is a hint of encroachment) meets with a fierce rebuff: mine, do not come near. To protect this “mine”, a person often anticipates events: no one yet pretends and does not encroach, but the dependent is on guard, sees the invisible, hears the inaudible, thinks the unthinkable. What do you think, for what purpose? To demonstrate to everyone that the guards do not sleep and protect their goods. And jealous showdowns on empty soil are nothing more than warning shots: God forbid …

But paradoxically, it happens exactly like “God forbid”, because the jealous person constantly keeps his “object” in the semantic field of betrayal. If it makes sense, there will be a fact. Treason can materialize, and what remains for her to do, so long awaited. And if not, then living listening to constant warning shots is a below average pleasure. So, of course, jealousy, if it strengthens relations, then not for long, if it preserves them - then only very moderate - solely on the fact of concrete obvious steps towards treason.

How do people fall into the trap of love addiction? Very simple. Initially, there is a willingness to get caught. The basis of this readiness is the neurotic need for love, which, in turn, is formed and rooted in a person in advance, as a rule, in childhood. Then we meet someone who, willingly or unwillingly, plays out a certain scenario necessary for the formation of addiction in our addict. This scenario assumes the following scenes: such an appearance in the right place at the right time in the appropriate situation, which "sinks into the soul" of a person who is ready for such a sinking. The next scene: purposeful or accidental instilling of hope in a future love addict for a stable emotional connection. This is followed by a scene with the instillation of doubt about the reality of emotional closeness. Further, the penultimate and last scene can alternate many times, change, which provides our hero with a strong emotional pendulum. It helps a lot to strengthen emotional dependence. Hope is hopelessness, certainty is doubt, etc. etc.

In cases where love addiction is mutual, mutual, at first the pendulum is not so noticeable. Both have the impression that they are at the pinnacle of bliss. The pendulum makes itself felt a little later, when reality makes its own adjustments, and the lover discovers that the beloved cannot or does not want to devote himself completely to him.

Another faithful companion of love addiction is self-deception. Since the main value of the addict is the experience of specific pleasant emotions from the possession of the object of dependence, he deceives himself in every possible way in those cases when it is obvious to an outsider sober look that they do not like him and are not going to develop a relationship with him. Because the truth is not consistent with experiencing those pleasant emotions. So much the worse for the truth. She is pushed into the backyard of her consciousness and tries her best to ignore her. Although the truth from time to time still moves somewhere in the depths, and this causes some kind of vague inexplicable alarm.

One way or another, when addiction is formed, a person in many of his manifestations is greatly changed. These changes are noticed by relatives, friends, relatives, and sometimes they try to help. Someone jokingly, and someone seriously, not without reason, calls the state of a lover a disease. This, in fact, is what it is.

Let us now turn to the "advanced" form of love - mature. Mature persons are capable of loving with mature love. Moreover, the relationship with age is not always direct. Sometimes the maturity of feelings is demonstrated by the age of twenty, and sometimes even at the age of 40-50, a person builds relationships according to a dependent type. Mature love requires nurturing feelings. And they are brought up in the storms of life, provided that a person comes out of these storms with new experience, with a different view of the world and of himself in it.

What is mature love? Does it exist in real life? Or maybe this is an unattainable ideal that is not realized in our earthly life?

Let's immediately list what exactly is not in this form of love. First, it is love without jealousy. Secondly, without restrictions on the freedom of a loved one. Thirdly, without using a loved one for their own purposes, that is, without manipulation of any order (for example, "If you love me, then you will not go to football and leave me alone").

And now let's determine what are the mandatory signs of mature love. This is, first of all, the observance of the "state" boundaries of each other's personality, that is, the absence of requirements such as: "You must spend this evening with me, because I love you," "Stop communicating with your friends," etc.

Moreover, it is trust that is simply there, without proof. This is a developing, creative relationship, since only in freedom and joy can the development and birth of a new one take place. This is a relationship that is emotionally stable: without hysterics, remorse, assurances of eternal love (assurances are not needed at all in this form of love), but, nevertheless, constant, warm and reliable, since there is no place for lies in them. Fidelity exists as long as the relationship itself exists. There is no point in convincing her. If there is no love, there will be no point in talking about fidelity.

This is how mature love is. Have you seen this one? If not, do not be surprised, because it is much less common than addictive love. Ask why? Because mature love is the result of spiritual and, if you like, spiritual work. And as we know, few people like to work. Moreover, in such an area as human relations. It is much easier to allow yourself to go with the flow, to fall in love passionately, to arrange periodic scandals over time, to put up, to demand something, to manipulate, and, having cooled down, just live each of his own lives or start new relationships that will develop according to the same scenario. There is an assumption (psychotherapist Vladimir Zavyalov) that love addiction is a defense against mature love, that is, not everyone wants to get into this “mature area”. How do you know?

So it's up to you to cultivate your feelings or keep them young, green and immature.

Well, in the end, if you got the impression that you and I know practically everything about love, it remains only to recall the definition that the philosopher Alexei Losev gave to the subject of our discussion: "Love is the secret of two." So that's it. Comments, as they say, are superfluous.

Lyudmila Shcherbina, Doctor of Psychology, Associate Professor.