Will And Boundaries

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

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The boundaries of the personality are arranged in much the same way as the cell membrane

When a cell encounters something useful, membrane receptors recognize it and make the membrane permeable, open the boundaries. When a cell encounters something harmful, its borders close and become rigid

With a dynamic balance, people open boundaries to each other, they melt and melt from each other's proximity, change each other, penetrate each other. They are like cells that feed and nourish themselves. With an imbalance, the boundaries of the plus become impenetrable, and the minus continues to soften and melt stronger and stronger, it literally dissolves and soon loses its integrity. Plus it is getting colder and harder, minus is getting softer and more plastic.

Soon, the minus softens so much that it starts to stick like glue.

Usually people who have very rigid, frozen boundaries do not have a strong core, inside them is jelly, so they are afraid of losing themselves and freeze, do not show interest in anyone, fenced off, lock themselves in on themselves. From freezing and egocentrism, their insides become weaker, since they do not interact with anything, but vegetate. Having thawed such a person from the outside, that is, by making its borders soft, one can see its rapid dissolution. (Defrosting himself, from the inside, he pumps the rod).

People whose core is solid, the boundaries are unfrozen, plastic, open. The more flexible the boundaries are, the more power is available, and internal integrity and security is ensured by a solid core.

The question that is often asked is: how not to go into negative territory? But it would be necessary: how to maintain a dynamic balance when the other is the same minus as you are. You both love each other equally.

To do this, you just need something simply - a strong rod. He maintains the balance in the relationship himself. But if there is no pivot, you have to arbitrarily close the boundaries when the person goes into plus (closes from you, moves away) and open the boundaries when the person goes into the minus (opens up to you, gets closer).

Great news for those who are not sure of their core: if the borders are closed and opened by will, the core is quickly formed. Actually, its main function is to open and close borders, to control attention (the second main function is proactivity). Therefore, if you begin to arbitrarily control your boundaries, you become strong from within. This psychic muscle develops in the same way as the muscles of the skeleton - from the strength ones. You bend and unbend, strain and relax, gradually increasing the weight. This is how the rod is pumped.

Now I will tell you two exercises that you can use right in the process of building relationships. From these exercises, strength grows and relationships improve.

These exercises are for those who are just starting a relationship, for people who have had relationships for a long time, other exercises are needed, I will tell them later.

1. You must learn to open boundaries when contacting a person and close them as soon as contact is over.

Limit the time of communication on the network, do not stretch it for several hours. Talking coolly for several hours, you get bored with each other, and if you communicate very hotly for hours, you soften yourself too much from the inside, especially without physical contact, that is, sufficient feedback. Therefore, communicate for a short time (half an hour, an hour, at least two), but try to be very emotional, generous, active, sexual (if intimacy is sufficient).

After that, refer to urgent matters, be sure to say goodbye warmly, express gratitude for the time of communication and hope to talk again (or meet in real life soon). After that, go offline and switch your attention. Do not go over the dialogue in your head endlessly, do not analyze every word, do not fantasize, do not masturbate and do not come up with what will happen next. Just disconnect here and connect to something else. Close the boundaries for this person for the time of non-communication with him. Cover at least if you can't close.

When you meet in real life, do the same: open up more strongly when contacting, close when ending contact. (And don't drag out the meeting too long if your partner is already bored and you are stuck).

Through open doors outside of contact, you waste a lot of energy. Those who are used to losing a lot of energy outside of contact come to contact already exhausted, hungry, waiting for food, with forceps and complaints, or too wound up, nervous, because all this time they continued to communicate with illusions and voices in their head and overwhelmed themselves. reciprocity.

2. Try to track how difficult it is for you to open and close borders in response to your partner's actions.

As soon as he does or says something unpleasant (devaluing you, repulsive), step back, close the boundaries. You can just shut up, you can become thoughtful, ask for a pause (sorry, I have a telephone conversation) and after a while return to normal communication. But this is only if what is said or done, although unpleasant, is insignificant. If you are rejected or humiliated, try to politely say goodbye and leave. Don’t pull, don’t persuade yourself, don’t resort to illusions, don’t grab the tongs and pull out explanations, don’t knock with a rolling pin, just say (politely) that you want to leave now and leave. You can even apologize for leaving. Do not go into explanations, these are also tongs. Just walk away.

It is very important to leave, even in the case of an ardent apology. Your goal is to close, not open up to his apology. Do not listen, let alone extort any "I accidentally blurted out, wait." Promise to call tomorrow and do call in a normal mood (if the person has apologized), but don't change your mind right away. Sorry if you apologized, but not right away, this is important! Allow time for negative reinforcement of the bad deed. And give yourself the opportunity to learn to protect yourself, not to drain.

A person should see that you really closed the boundaries in response to his bad deed, completely closed them, and from an apology they will not open immediately, it takes time. You need to step back, calm down, think. Day, two, some time. If you are waiting for an apology and are happy to forgive immediately, the person feels that you did not close any boundaries, but simply pretended to make him jump. He feels that you do not respect yourself, but on the contrary, you are too dependent on him. He may not analyze it, but he will feel it. And if you stayed with him, only became sour and unhappy, pouty, this is also bad, he is forced to look at you in your most unattractive form and remember you like that. Better say goodbye and leave.

But be sure to push the boundaries every time you are told or done something very enjoyable. Maintain a warm routine, and in response to balls, open up and respond generously. Even if you are in a bad mood, even if you have nothing to do, be sure to open the boundaries when a person you are interested in (and not even very interested in) does something really pleasant and necessary for you.

Observe why you find it difficult to close boundaries when you are offended or pushed away. You do not want to come off, it is easier for you to lie to yourself that all this is not offensive and that it means something else, that a person just has such a character or a bad day. Don't lie to yourself, catch yourself on how weak and lethargic your will is. It does not fulfill its function, does not make sure that your boundaries open only towards the useful, but close when in contact with the harmful. So you will not have any core, but there will be liquid jelly. And anyone can drink you through a straw. And spit it out. Or drain into a pit.

Train your will, teach yourself to make useful volitional decisions.

If you find yourself ready to close your eyes, ignore, ignore, try not to. Be polite, generous, fair, but don't be mistreated.

Do not go to the other extreme, do not become tough, demanding, do not freeze over trifles. Be gentle and open more often, and only close in response to what is humiliation and neglect of you. And see if the person is ready to rid you of it. If he is not ready, but simply circles around and waits for you to get tired of building a strong person out of yourself and you, like a rag, agree to all his conditions, do not agree. Protect yourself, there is no one to do it except you.

Be consistent. Your will is the most valuable thing you have, do not give it to anyone. But do not demand too much, demand as much as you need to feel normal and respect yourself. If the person is not ready to give it, thank him for the communication, understand and let go. To do this, you also need will, but you already have it. Will appears immediately, as soon as you focus on it and keep your attention.

Are the exercises very difficult or more or less?

Have you ever tried something like this? How is it going? How are you with will, in general?