Relationship Boundaries: How To Define And Maintain Them? And How Can You Maintain Your Relationship?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In my opinion, each of us should remember that we are not born with instructions for use, we do not walk with it, carved on the forehead, therefore other people tend to cause us inconvenience: to say what we are not ready to hear; call when we are already / still sleeping; take what we allowed; ask questions that we are not ready to answer, and so on.

What can and should be done in such situations? And how not to spoil the relationship with the person?

To solve the problem of border violations, we must first of all understand where they are in our own country - that is, to know where and when I feel good and where and when I feel bad; what I love and what not; what I can agree to and what not; what I want right now and what I don't - this knowledge is a direct manifestation of self-love. Therefore, when a client asks me: "What should I do with this bad person who is causing me so much pain?" Then I ask a counter question: "What exactly did you want in this situation?" If the client knows the answers, then we continue to work with the topic of marking and preserving borders. If the client does not know who he is and what he wants, then we begin to investigate him and only then move on to the issue of boundaries.

So, with the first component - understanding where the boundaries are - we figured it out, now we move on to the next important point - the level of sensitivity of violation of boundaries. The better we understand our boundaries, the faster we respond to their violation. Also, our reaction is related to how close the relationship is with the offending person. Typically, the more intimate we are in a relationship, the less we notice or want to show that our boundaries are violated. We love to justify close people: "well, this is my beloved person", "this is an accident and will not happen again", "this is my mother, she loves me so much" and so on. However, the more and longer the boundaries are violated, the more irritation we experience, and as a rule, sooner or later, we explode like a volcano remembering the offender every slightest crime. What do we end up with? Relationships are hopelessly ruined, nerves are exhausted, and it often happens that this situation repeats in the future.

This is why it is important to react to any violation of boundaries, even the smallest, and give the other person feedback that they have crossed the line. Then the other will have no illusions that he did everything right, that we liked it and that we can continue in the same spirit.

You can inform about the first violation of the borders using the words in the format "I-Messages": "I get scared when you enter the room without knocking", "When we are discussing this, I feel awkward, so I do not want to talk about this topic anymore." You can get by with shorter phrases: “I don’t like it”, “I don’t like it”, “I don’t like it”, “I don’t eat it”. It is important to understand here that the other is not to blame for having violated the boundaries. It may well be that he really did not suspect that such his behavior could offend anyone at all. Therefore, for the first time, it is quite clear and understandable to indicate that it is impossible to do this, because it always makes me feel bad, and not because you are a bad person.

If, after that, the other person does again what we do not like, then we need to make a more serious statement: "If you raise this topic again, I will get up and leave", "If you continue to enter my room without knocking, then I will move "and other variations on the theme. It is important to remember that the word "that" should be followed only by what we can actually accomplish, which is comparable to the amount of harm caused, and only that which concerns ourselves. The words that "if you continue to do this, you will do push-ups twenty times" simply do not have the strength in themselves.

Violation of borders for the third time is already a serious crime and one must be able to adequately respond to it. This is exactly the moment when you need to use the threat that we reported a second time. They promised to get up and leave - got up and left, promised to move - moved. It is important to understand that this is not manipulation or revenge, what we are doing at this moment is a rather tough defense of boundaries. The time for revenge comes when the borders are already pretty spoiled, the whole territory is in ruins and you need to do the same with the offender. And the time of manipulation comes when there is a great need for something and for the sake of its satisfaction they are ready to sacrifice their other needs.

And what we are doing now is aimed at preserving ourselves in integrity and safety, as well as relations with another person. This is especially true at the initial stage of a love relationship, when a man and a woman do not yet know each other closely, do not know what is allowed and what is not. And do not be afraid to call a spade a spade based on the fear of losing "the love of your life." Finding that we are not right for each other at the very beginning of a relationship is very valuable, as it makes room for other opportunities to become happy.