Where Is My Intimate Territory? Close Relationships And Personal Boundaries

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Often when working with families, couples and observing your life, you ask yourself the question, what is love in a relationship between a man and a woman? Are there my personal boundaries? My spouse's territory? And something in common? Or is love always presented as a fusion?

On the pages of the Internet there are many quotes about love - that this is a relationship between two free, not obliged to each other people - what does this really mean?

The idea of a border: a personal border, a border in a relationship, etc. is not a constant, it is something that develops along with the development of the person himself. How does a baby feel about the existence of a boundary? This is not at all the same as the sense of the border in an adult. And how then does an adult feel his boundaries? How does he build them in relationships?

You have noticed how differently people talk about close relationships, about love, how differently they represent them and build accordingly.

For some, close relationships look like a merger, when one completely dissolves into the other, when the boundaries of an individual in these relationships disappear, when one cannot breathe without the other, when each other's desires are guessed, one somehow knows about the state of the other and accordingly behaves. What is this relationship really like? Is this what is called the love of two mature people? Let's remember another relationship - mom and baby. In these relationships, the mother is tuned in with all her feelings to the perception of the child's state, to the feeling of his needs, to understanding why he is crying or whether he feels comfortable, here the mother needs to guess and understand what is happening to the baby for his survival. Therefore, the mother tries to control any manifestations of the child in order to be aware of what is happening to him. That is, the state of fusion of the mother with the child is due to a natural mechanism and is necessary for the survival of the infant. Such boundaries in relationships correspond to the child's age from 0 to 8 months. So what happens then in the relationships of adults if they arrange them in this way?

There is also such a type of relationship when our boundaries mutually penetrate into the boundaries of the other, as if two circles overlap each other a little and then a common area would be formed, but they do not merge with each other completely. That is, there is a part of me personally and there is a part within my boundaries, which we have in common with a partner. This corresponds to a stage in development when the child makes attempts to separate a little from the mother, but without the mother it is still very difficult and incomprehensible for him. After taking a few steps from the mother, he very quickly returns to her, it is important for him that she was there, and the child carefully controls this. Have you seen this type of relationship in adults? It is like when the second always needs the support and approval of the first, when he can be without the first, but in limited areas, or for a short time, when he controls where the second partner is and does not give him the opportunity to exist independently of the first.

Another type of relationship building is when a person actively defends their boundaries as a couple. He tries not to communicate his plans or what he will be doing, confronts his partner with the fact of some events in his life, not considering it necessary to agree with him or invite him to participate. Any attempt by a partner to establish a closer and more trusting relationship is perceived as a threat and an encroachment on his personal space. This type of relationship is present in a 2-4 year old child, when he tries to learn to be separate from his mother, more autonomous and explores the limits of his independence (hence the well-known phenomenon of a 3-year-old crisis, "I myself"). He often tries to do many things himself, and is very offended if they help him a lot, do not allow him to do something the way he wants. And sometimes he does not know how he wants, but definitely not as his mother suggests, and hysteria unfolds. If an adult builds a close relationship in this way, what does it look like then?

And finally, having explored all the poles from merging to opposition and fiercely defending their boundaries in relationships, a person comes to a balanced position. With balanced boundaries in close relationships, everyone feels their boundaries and recognizes the personal boundaries of the partner, he respects himself and the partner, recognizes his right to independence and independence, but he can be with this person in very close contact. That is, a person is able to be flexible in building relationships, to change his behavior depending on the situation. You might have noticed that when we are sick, we really want support and attention, so that our partner takes care of us, why is this not a merger? In other situations, our independence is very important to us, and the partner is ready to respect this.

Passing through different stages of building relationships, feeling their boundaries in these relationships, a person gains the experience of close relationships. But sometimes it happens that a person stops at one of the stages of building boundaries in a relationship. Most often this is due to how his parents built a relationship with him. If the mother had a great need for merging, since she could not satisfy this need with her parents or in a relationship with her spouse, then she will maintain just such a relationship with the child and in every possible way hinder the development of the child's independence, interrupt contact with him when the child tries be independent. In such a situation, the child does not have the opportunity to learn how to build relationships while maintaining his own independence. Or, on the contrary, if the child has a very strong desire for autonomy, then in spite of the controlling mother, he actively defends his boundaries, and then continues to do this in adult relationships. Then this adult person perceives any closeness as a threat to his personal space and runs away from it.

What happens when people with such different experiences and perceptions of intimate relationships form a couple? Most often, those couples who complement each other like a key to a lock are capable of a long and lasting relationship. People who do not compliment each other do not stay in long-term relationships, in part because of this mismatch. But if suddenly one of the complimentary couple begins to develop and change, then his way of building relationships in a couple naturally changes, he is capable and wants more independence, he no longer needs to merge or, on the contrary, in defense, he is able to have personal space and is ready to provide it partner, etc. Then it is not easy for the partner, he may not be ready for changes, he does not feel the need for them, and most often the need for changes scares him, but if he is interested in continuing the relationship, he needs to change. And sometimes for some couples this is an opportunity to enter a new stage of the relationship, more balanced, and for other couples, unfortunately, this is the stage that leads to the breakdown of the relationship.

It is up to you to decide what kind of relationship and, accordingly, the boundaries in relationships you want, but if we want to be close to an adult balanced person, then we can stay close to him if we build relationships from an adult position.

Your Natalia Fried