2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
“- If only I didn’t have it! Frodo could not resist.
- I would not like this either, - the magician agreed, - as I did not want, I assure you, to all who lived under the threat of the Darkness before. But their desires were not asked. We do not choose times, Frodo. We can only decide how to live in the times that have chosen us."
J. R. R. Tolkien "The Lord of the Rings"
People often come to me for therapy who had a difficult childhood - filled with horror, beatings, indifference, moral violence, humiliation … As you move deeper into a deep and dusty wound, sooner or later a question to the Universe is born: "For what?" … "Why me?". After all, however, it does not fit in my head how a small child deserved such a life. Why did some have a carefree and loving childhood, while others had to put in an incredible amount of effort just to survive? Such injustice always evokes strong emotions, which gradually release once suppressed feelings - anger, resentment, sadness, powerlessness, etc.
Each of them lives in a different way - someone slowly, tastefully savoring every detail. Someone harshly, aggressively, brightly. It is important for someone to return to their injuries again and again, feeling sorry for themselves, finding in them a reason not to change anything in their life. Someone quickly draws conclusions and moves on. Everyone has their own unique, special rhythm and it is very important to hear it … not to rush … to accept. Peer into the essence of pain, carefully cleanse the aching wound from moldy feelings, rinse it with love and care, mend it with new meanings and express respect for the scar - as a reminder of the past experience. Observe how gradually the question "For what?" starts to sound like "For what?" and "What did the experience of this pain give me?" How new opportunities open up that were previously safely hidden behind the door of a gaping wound.
Not long ago I saw the movie "Split", in which only one of the three teenage girls survived - the one who had a terrible childhood. She only survived thanks to her scars …
But again and again I come across the words: “I would not want this to happen to me” and I understand that a person devalues his experience, which was obtained at such a price. Devalues his imprinted scars as reminders that he survived. Reminders of their own strength, thanks to which the character was tempered, endurance and patience appeared. They taught him to look for support on himself - because once there was no one around who could help, support and console; look for answers to questions, ways to resolve conflicts and invent something new. Thanks to the scars left by disappointment in people, he developed the skill to look at the real world without rose-colored glasses … to closely observe, notice the details, the first signs of danger and wolves in sheep's clothing.
Scars taught him to trust his inner voice, and not thousands of advisers around; to hear how the World tries to talk to him in a whisper of love, and not in the voice of conscience or through the mouthpiece of suffering. They relieved him of the desire to please everyone, suggesting that he think about developing his own, unique system of values. They persistently offered to know the value of moments of happiness, sincerity, nobility, true friendship. They pushed him against two different truths, allowing him to feel the stringy ringing space between them and to realize that none of them is the only correct one, because there is another.
The scars taught him to let go of what must go. Destroy what needs to be destroyed. Strengthen what needs to be strengthened. To love deeper. Hear clearer. Look inside. Resign ourselves instead of wasting time and energy aimlessly in pursuit of a result, the time of which has not yet come. Trust where it is safe. Do not do to others as you did to him. Otherwise, the scars begin to ache from the memories in which such an act hurt him.
Scars remind of the terrible when a person looks at the beautiful … it is proposed to combine this into one multifaceted whole, eliminating one-sided thinking. They taught him to stop devaluing those he dislikes and find a way to grow up about them. And instead of suffering and being killed at the next fall, we developed the habit of getting up, dusting off and walking further, because difficulties, defeats and failures are only a natural part of life, thanks to which a person grows and matures. They taught how to properly manage the time of their lives, to distinguish the important from the unimportant. Thanks to scars, a person can, at the right time and in the right place, give someone the warmth that another needs so much.
Appreciate your scars. Respect your scars. Carry them proudly into the world. After all, they make each person alive, unique and real.
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