Difficult Dialogues

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There is a knife and a fork - a cultural artifact. Many people on the planet prefer to eat with their hands, with a spoon, without being puzzled by the beauty of absorbing food. And behind the beauty, the concern for proper nutrition is hidden. The pieces are neatly cut, easier to digest, and the use of a knife and fork sets the process slowly, turning lunch into Zen.

Many people are taught from childhood how to use cutlery. But practically no one is taught, no less important process - conducting dialogues. Silence is considered gold because as soon as we open our mouths, we are right there - accuse and / or strive to be right and / or we wish to avoid responsibility and / or strive look your best.

But the essence of dialogue is to freely exchange ideas and meanings.

The obvious idea is that communication has a purpose. Inform the interlocutor and / or agree on actions. There is a wonderful image to indicate the goals of communication - “ common sense fund ».

Usually, we are puzzled by only one question: What do I want for myself? But the answer to this question is not enough. After all, if I pursue my goals in communication and do not inform you about them, it will be manipulation.

Questions that advance us in the dialogue:

What do I want for the other (them)?

What do I want to develop a relationship?

For example: you want to take a training program and for this you need to obtain permission (payment) from the manager. Let's try to answer the above questions.

1. What do I want for myself? Raise the level of qualifications, the cost in the labor market, make new acquaintances.
2. What do I want for the other (them)? Training will allow me to solve a number of tasks at work more qualified, which will save up to 30% of my working time every day.
3. What do I want to develop a relationship? I would like the employer to take care of my qualifications, and in turn I am ready to continue a long-term relationship.

Do you agree that FEELINGS determine our ACTION?

Suppose your boss, when asked to send you to a training program, feels jealous and refuses training.

But the chain is even more interesting.

Boss first hearswhat you want to go learn. Sees in front of a confident employee. Tells himself a storythat you have a plan to remove him from office. And then, acts - refuses to study.

The three most common types of stories we tell ourselves are:

1. In these stories, we act as “ victims". The key motto is “It's not my fault”.
2. We are "attacked" the villain". Motto: “ It's all because of you!»
3. Stories of helplessness " I can't do anything else". Very similar to the game "Yes … but …".

The ability to reflect (understand myself), the fact that I am now telling myself a story, allows a creative approach to further dialogue. Perhaps you have already skipped this stage by automatically telling yourself a story. Then think about how you feel about the interlocutor now. And how you act. They fell silent, clenched their fists, clenched their teeth, etc.

Then, exhale, and rewind this chain back to return to the formation " common sense fund". Try to form, invent a common goal of the dialogue.

For the dialogue to turn out, three settings are enough:

- to ascribe importance to their own opinion.

- to attribute significance to the opinion of another.

- to attribute significance to the coming to an agreement.

The publication has been prepared on the basis of:

1. "Difficult Dialogues". Mann, Ivanov and Ferber Publishing House, Moscow, 2014
2. Materials of the Socio-Psychological Training "Communication training".