IRINA MLODIK: "IT IS NECESSARY TO GIVE CHILDREN THE OPPORTUNITY TO LIVE ANGRY"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-07 22:18

One day the day will come when the child will be aggressive for the first time. He will stamp his foot. He will hit you with a fist or a bucket. And then it turns out that it was not a one-time attack. That aggression is something that happens to him from time to time, and in adolescence it even becomes an almost permanent state. What to do? How to proceed?

Often a child has no other way

- What is aggression? And where did the children get it from?

- In psychology, it is believed that this is a natural behavior inherent in all. The scale of aggression can include different shades of experiences. From insignificant irritation, disappointment and discontent, we can, through anger, anger and indignation, come to rage, hatred and the desire to destroy, kill and destroy. Young children usually show their aggression directly. They can scream, swear, kick, throw, cling to mom, throw toys. Often there is no other way for a child to declare his own distress - discomfort, hunger, cold, pain and fear.

- Aggression-anger-cruelty - where is the line between them?

- I have already said about aggression. Anger is often a natural reaction, an emotion that can be generated in response to some kind of internal or external event. And cruelty is either a manifestation of psychopathy, mental disorders. And then it is worth contacting a pediatric neuropsychiatrist. Or a reaction arising in response to the parent's brutality, to his conscious or unconscious desire to make the child suffer. For example, mom or dad lacks empathy and the ability to understand other people's feelings, or have sadistic inclinations. Then the cruelty shown by the parent can be transferred by the child to all relationships with the world.

- That is, if a child's aggression is expressed in cruelty, you must first look at yourself?

- Yes. Take a closer look if you or your loved ones were cruel to the child. Check to see if he understands other people's feelings, and if he realizes that making other people feel pain and suffering is bad. Contact a child neuropsychiatrist if cruelty is repeated often, and the child constantly ignores boundaries, prohibitions, does not perceive anyone's power and lacks empathy.

Pulling and scolding is not the best parental response

- What do you need to scold and scold a child for, and for what not?

- Pulling and scolding is not the best parental reaction. It looks like putting out a fire with gasoline: aggression in response to aggression. It is better to set a boundary on inadequately manifested aggressive feelings - to say: "Stop!", To bodily stop a child who is ready to hit another. Stop it with a ban, and then, when the situation returns to normal, it will be possible to discuss with the child what happened.

- If a child behaves aggressively not only with strangers, but also with parents, grandparents, how to respond adequately?

- Distinguish between feelings and action! Feelings can be expressed in ways that are acceptable to your family. But it is impossible to show aggressive action directed at loved ones. Stop the child both verbally and physically when he lifts his hand, bites, throws something at his family. Be firm and consistent in your inhibitions. Vocalize the child's feelings and actions: “You are angry that I do not allow you to watch cartoons. But you can't beat me. You can be indignant, but do not beat!.

If possible, it would be good to understand the causes of anger, realize what is behind them and eliminate this discomfort. If this is not possible, you need to withstand the child's natural reaction to an unpleasant event. Remember yourself! We ourselves would like someone to be able to withstand our aggressive reactions to something that violates harmony, confidence or peace.

The child is angry that you forbid him to do something, set a border, don't you? You indicated that you cannot beat your mother, take away toys from your brother, kick the cat, even if you are very angry, take away their things from other children? It is clear that the child is unhappy with this! Do not expect that your border or prohibition will be accepted with enthusiasm - gain strength to withstand the child's anger. He has the right to defend his own and himself, while not violating other people's borders.

- And if the child accuses the parent: "You are bad, you won't let me!"?

- When he says this or wants to hit, he wants to hurt you. If you set a border, draw a forbidden line that cannot be crossed, but at the same time accept his feelings, pain and anger, born of the ban, then it will be easier for him. Say: “I’m good, you’re just angry, and this is natural, you wanted to, but I don’t allow you.”

The teenager will get angry a lot

- If aggression is no longer in a toddler, but in a teenager, will the model of behavior of the parents differ?

- Teenagers are generally aggressive due to the peculiarities of their crisis. The crisis makes them angry and protesting in order to live another chapter of separation, separation from parents and becoming. With a teenager, you have to endure more and negotiate more, because parental authority is no longer as strong as with a baby. Ordering, demanding and expecting to be obeyed will no longer work. Because the task of a teenager in a crisis is to get out of the model of obedience and acquire adult models for resolving issues: to negotiate, solve jointly, put forward arguments, convince of his ability to do. And it is important for us to support this strength in him, because you will not return with him to the era of unquestioning obedience.

The teenager will get angry a lot, and it is important to keep track of the acceptable form in which the aggression is expressed. For example: "I understand that you are outraged, that I forbid you, but I cannot be rude", or simply: "This is rude", "Please look for a more civilized form of your anger." It is especially important if the teenager has to agree with you about something.

- There is a risk that he will simply "slam the door" and leave, that he will not want to look for a civilized form of expression of anger, to negotiate. Or he will think that it is easier to achieve something by force. How to act in such a situation?

- Of course, a teenager can "slam the door" - especially if he feels his powerlessness to explain and prove something to you. Or so he will copy your way of getting out of a difficult conversation. If he did so, it takes time to survive the event. Both you and him. And then return to the conversation. A teenager is unlikely to want to leave "for good": only if he or she is mentally unfavorable or if the family system does not understand, does not accept, does not hear and is not ready to take steps towards him.

And the phrase “to achieve something by force” is strange to me. She says that parents are not at all an authority for a teenager. At all. And in this case, they should think about their parental position, parental authority and turn to a psychologist if they themselves cannot figure it out.

It is important to gradually teach the child to reflect

- Are there any recommendations on how to teach a child to express aggression and anger correctly and safely?

- It is important for parents to gradually teach the child to reflect and name their state: I'm tired, hungry, I'm bored, I miss my mother, I'm afraid of loud noises, I want to go home, I want to play more. This will help him to respond not only by shouting, but to talk, inform the parent about his difficulties or, in general, about what is happening.

- And what is the best way to extinguish an attack of childish anger and aggression?

- The best thing is to give an opportunity to live the anger. If it is necessary to respond to aggression, and the child is already in a safe situation, then some kind of action will help. You need to physically feel: sometimes break something, sometimes kick, break, hit something, split, throw. You can use a shout, words, or just a voice. And then, letting off steam, discuss what happened.

- Yoga lessons are being introduced in many American schools. According to the conclusions of the teachers, after them the children normalize, become calmer, concentrate better, aggression and anger go away. Does it make sense to teach a child breathing and relaxation techniques without waiting for such initiatives from the Russian education system?

- There is no single piece of advice. Yoga is a great practice, but I'm not sure if it will work for everyone. Children with ADHD are motivated not so much by anger as by anxiety, and if it decreases with exercise, then this is a great way out. At the same time, it is difficult for a choleric child to keep to the unhurried rhythm of yoga: in order to concentrate, someone needs to run, fight, throw out the energy that has accumulated. And here it is important for adults to remember that children's energy and activity is normal.

Basic rules of interaction with child aggression from Irina Mlodik

• We learn to express anger not physically, but in words. We do not harm living beings, including ourselves, we do not play it by attacking living things, but we try to verbally communicate our discomfort, disagreement, pain.
• Aggression is best expressed directly. Passive aggression, which some adults sin (ignoring, resentment, silence, rejection, manipulation, sarcasm, ridicule, humiliation), are then adopted by children. It destroys relationships between people.
• It is important to be able to choose at what moment you can show direct aggression, tell other people, for example, that they are violating your boundaries, and you do not like it, and when it is better to keep quiet, since expressing direct aggression is unsafe.
• It is harmful to constantly suppress aggressive feelings in oneself. This will lead to auto-aggressive behavior. In this case, a person will begin to consciously or unconsciously harm himself, get sick, and receive numerous injuries. Persistently repressed aggression by adolescence can lead to depression and suicidal behavior.
• The most acceptable ways of expressing aggression: “you can't do this with me”, “no”, “it doesn't suit me”, “I don't like it when you …”, “I feel bad (hurt, bored, scared, and so on) when it happens this and that”,“I am outraged”,“I am furious”.
• If a child plays aggressive games or destroys a self-built castle, he does not violate anyone's rights and boundaries. This is his way of dealing with internal and external aggression. Often, aggressive play or drawing of children is excellent self-therapy. It should not be tampered with and corrected. Unless you can ask: "Why or why is the crocodile beating a lion cub so much?" - and, perhaps, you will learn something from the inner life of your child. At the same time, it is not necessary to advise without fail to quickly reconcile the lion cub and the crocodile. The child pursues his goal - to live aggressive impulses.

P. S

- The parent can be angry with the child too! Is it worth suppressing this in yourself for the benefit of the children?

- The parent's anger is quite natural. He can be hurt, uncomfortable, scared. But it is better if anger is expressed in direct form, in words. Those parents who hold back a lot can hit. The restrained anger accumulates and turns into a growing tension, which is then inevitably discharged or turns into auto-aggression. A child, by the way, also benefits if the parent expresses his anger directly: he learns to withstand his anger. And it is much easier for him when the reaction is adequate to the situation or offense, when he is confident in the affection of the parent. In this case, parental anger for the child will not be equal to forever lost love.