THE WIFE REALES TO THE CHILD FROM THE FIRST MARRIAGE. PSYCHOLOGIST'S ADVICE

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The wife is jealous of the child from her first marriage. In the work of a psychologist, it is very common for an acting wife to be jealous of her husband's child from past marriages or relationships. A typical picture usually looks like this: “Being in a second or third marriage (official, or while in a civil cohabitation), a man goes to communicate with his child. (Or he deliberately travels to another settlement where the child lives). It would seem that nothing foreshadowed trouble. However, due to the fact that the wife is jealous of the child, further events may begin to unfold according to one of two unpleasant scenarios:

- Scenario 1. Either immediately during communication with a child, or after returning to his current family, a man is faced with the obvious coldness or sarcasm of his current wife. He is openly ignored or communicated in an emphatically formal way. They can say something like: “Well, you are now busy with other things and with other people! We will solve our problems ourselves somehow! " For a while they refuse to go out to public places with him. Ignore his parents and friends. Quite often, the "sexual strike" regime is turned on: when the wife has a chronic "headache". The alienation regime either subsides by itself after a couple of days, or the woman has to be bribed with gifts and flowers. And it seems that openly the woman is not against the seemingly communication of the dad with the child, but in her heart the wife is jealous of the child, and shows this with her chill.

- Scenario 2 … As soon as a man comes to a past family or goes for a walk with a child from a past relationship, the same wife begins to literally tear the man apart with calls and SMS. Many urgent questions immediately arise to him, which require no less urgent answers. Or even a man needs to urgently return to his wife. In fact, communication between a man and a child is paralyzed. Logically, his mood spoils. By declaring to the acting wife that she "got sick" with her activity or, on the contrary, returning home silently cold and angry, as a result, he himself provokes a family conflict. After that, the wife states with understanding: “Now you see for yourself how right I was! When you come from a past family, you are always tense and twisted, then we quarrel! That's why I don't like it when you go there. At the same time, I am not against your communication with the child! But, I am against your communication with that family worsened relations in our own family!"

In practice, both scenarios equally destructive to the family! After going through a certain number of such stories (for each couple - its own), a man and a woman psychologically move away from each other. Conflicts are increasing, intimate relationships are deteriorating, distrust arises in financial and other issues. The result is logical: the husband and wife create a relationship with someone else who will be psychologically more comfortable for them. Simply put, they change. It could be a new partner, or the man is trying to return to his past spouse, or his current wife will restore her own old relationship on her own. But, in any case, the ending of this acting family is tragic!

I understand that someone can now say: “And rightly so! So it is necessary for both this man and this current wife! If, because of their relationship, they once destroyed the past family of a man (and maybe even a woman), then this is such a punishment for them! Like, you can't build your own happiness on someone else's misfortune! Like, retribution will still fly like a boomerang! Etc. etc. But, as a family psychologist, I want to say the following: “The destruction of the family and the loss of the father by the child is a terrible tragedy! When women do not allow their father, after a divorce,to communicate with the child (we are talking about the mother of the child and the new spouse of the man) is no less a terrible tragedy! But, the destruction of a new family, where children may already be born (or the new wife is already pregnant) is also a tragedy! Therefore, for me, if a divorce has already occurred legally, a new family has arisen, and it is also very wrong how to prevent a man from communicating with his children about his past marriage, and to destroy a new marriage due to the fact that the new wife cannot psychologically correct herself to accept the communication of her husband with the past family!

The first and foremost responsibility of a psychologist is

protect the interests of children, especially minors

Explaining my basic position, I will list the main reasons that women regularly refer to me who quarrel with their husbands because these husbands communicate with their children from past marriages and visit their former family.

10 reasons why a wife is jealous of a child from a previous marriage, and conflicts with husbands about their communication:

1. The man classified all his expenses for the past family and for the maintenance of the child from the previous marriage; also does not agree with the current wife in any way the schedule of his meetings with the child from the previous marriage. All this creates a wide field for various not very pleasant conjectures on the topic: "which of the families is in priority - the past or the present."
2. The past wife communicates too warmly with her ex-husband in calls and SMS, clearly making plans to get him back to herself, and therefore can use his meetings with the child to resume intimate relationships (up to her pregnancy) and tear the man away from the current woman.
3. Before meeting with the past family, or after these meetings, the man is clearly in some kind of psychologically altered state: he either becomes too cold and avoids intimacy, or, on the contrary, is emotionally overheated and conflicted.
4. A man behaves in an emphatically correct manner in relation to the past family: he always goes to a meeting with a child from a previous marriage, clean-shaven, in ironed trousers, sober, visits a cafe with him; but in the current family he allows himself to get drunk, be unkempt and rude, does not take his wife out to public places.
5. The man spends too much money on his past family (including child / children). And he spends too much of his time on it, often leaving the current family for the sake of meeting with the family of the past. This shows that the past wife still knows how to manipulate and control her ex-husband as she wants. That not only hits the budget of the new family, but is intolerably offensive to the pride of the current wife.
6. A man clearly loves his child (children) from a past relationship more than a child in a given relationship. This follows not only from the costs for him, but from the fact that warm words and affectionate nicknames sound only in his address, and this cannot be questioned about his current wife and child from a new marriage.
7. A man, in principle, does not give warmth and attention as a woman (compliments, flowers, gifts, sex, etc.) to his acting wife, and therefore even crumbs of attention to the past family cause outbursts of irritation.
8. The man does not show initiative in solving the problems of the current family, he lives in it in a very formal, passive and consumerist way. Reviving emotionally only when communicating with the past family and actively participating in her life.
9. Being at a meeting with a child from a past relationship (or visiting his ex-wife), a man is emphatically very cold (or it just seems so) communicates with his current wife, refuses to communicate with her via video, or simply ignores her calls and SMS (by turning off the phone or answering very late and without much warmth).
10. The current spouse is pregnant, or has a small child in her arms, hormones are boiling in her blood, which makes her especially susceptible to any actions of her husband, including his communication with the child from a past relationship. And if he does not pay attention to her pregnancy or cares little about the baby, this can be very annoying to her.

Having listed this, we move on. If, while living in a new family, communicating with a child from a previous marriage, a man does something from this list, the man's new wife has every moral right to talk to him about those unpleasant moments that the man does not notice or does not realize their importance. And it is important for a man to take into account and observe a certain ethic of the balance of relations between his two families - the present and the past.

Now I must say something else: in my practical work, I regularly meet situations when a man builds his relationship with a child from a previous marriage with the utmost correctness, without violating the interests of his current spouse, but this does not save him from those unpleasant situations that are described in at the very beginning of the article. And the new wife gives him tantrums and scandals, despite the fact that her interests are absolutely not violated.

As a psychologist, everything is clear to me:

Since any victories are conditional, and resources are limited,

a woman will always be jealous of another woman

Simply put: even with the status of a legal wife, any woman will always see a threat to herself and her child in the communication of her man with a child from past marriages or relationships.

A man is not able to understand all that a woman is capable of

Only any woman knows what any woman is capable of

After all, any woman herself knows that any communication between a man and another woman (in this case, with his ex-wife), even if it happens about a common child, can always lead to the fact that a spark of new passion flares up, sex will happen, and then and complete restoration of the relationship. Moreover: legally divorced spouses may well still conceive a joint child! And the solution of all material and financial issues will immediately turn into a fascinating legal puzzle.

Fully understanding all the concerns of newly-made wives about their husbands' communication with children from past relationships, as well as with ex-wives, nevertheless, I want to say two things:

Firstlywhen a woman creates a relationship with a man that has already had previous marriages or is married, has children, she must be aware of the specifics of this situation. And if she cannot accept that a man's communication with his former family will continue throughout his entire future life, then there is nothing to develop this relationship!

Secondly, my statistics on the work of a family psychologist clearly show:

Rejection by the new wife of a man's communication with his children

from a previous relationship and a past spouse creates

many times more threats to a new marriage than this communication itself

Moreover:

The best gift a man's new wife has ever had

can make him a past wife, this is her child jealousy

this man and scandalous behavior

After all, not being able to overcome his egoism, his jealousy and resentment, directly or indirectly showing the man his dissatisfaction with his communication with the child from the previous relationship, the new wife, in fact, will strike by itself! Regular "fi and fu" to the husband will gradually extinguish the sexual attraction in this pair, thereby motivating the man to take a closer look at other people's bare female knees. If the new wife takes a radically tough stance against the communication of the husband with the children and the past wife, she will simply oppose herself to the child. For a normally brought up man, sooner or later, this will cause rejection and he will decide to part with such a tough wife.

Hence, I give absolutely clear recommendations. There are five of them:

5 rules that a man must apply in his new family

1. In their communication with children from past relationships and previous wives, men should take into account all the interests of the current wife and children (related to time, finances, attention) from the new marriage.

2. If a man takes all this into account, his new wife should only keep the man in contact with his children from past relationships, creating comfortable conditions for this and not interfering with him in the exercise of his parental functions. Including learning to restrain yourself and your jealousy, learn not to give advice to a man on how to build his communication with children. In any case, to behave in such a way that her inner experiences do not become the cause of a deterioration in relations with her husband and do not lead to divorce.

3. Even if the male father makes some minor mistakes in his parental behavior (for example, it is somewhat excessive), his new wife should be kind and understanding.

4. If a man expresses a desire for his new wife to meet and personally communicate with his children from a previous marriage, it is useful for a woman to meet this request. In addition to those situations when the mother of these children and the children themselves oppose this, or the behavior of these children poses a threat to the psyche, life and health of the new spouse or her children.

5. Expressing to a man her concern about some actions of his past wife, it is important for a new wife to always emphasize that she is against the manipulation of her husband by another woman, but not at all against his communication with her children.

As you can see, nothing complicated! And my main task in this article is simple:

• Firstly, I want new wives not to spoil their own marriage with their excessive and empty jealousy in relation to the communication of their husbands with children from a previous marriage. And they departed from the dangerous habit of seeing the intrigues of his past wife everywhere. Otherwise, they themselves will help her destroy the new marriage.
• Secondly, I want men who communicate with their children from past marriages to definitely continue to do this, being able to calmly and logically stop the excessive suspicion and emotionality of their new wives, who, out of jealousy, anxiety or resentment, may try to prevent this.
• Thirdly, so that men and women who have created a new marriage know the basic rules for finding a balance about the relationship between the past and present family, children from past and current relationships. And about this, I specifically mention in my other article on the site zberovski.ru, which is called: "The rules of the balance of relations between a man between a new and a past family."

Hopefully this article " The wife is jealous of the child from her first marriage " will teach men to understand their mistakes, because of which their wives may be jealous of relationships with children from past marriages. And it will be useful for girls to teach themselves to restrain where it is needed. Of course, if their men behave correctly.