The Parent Is A Container. Important About Direct Parenting

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

You say children tire me. You're right. We get tired of the fact that we have to rise to their feelings. Get up, stand on tiptoe, stretch. In order not to offend.

Janusz Korczak

All the same I will write. Because, how many pages are not written, this question again and again becomes a key issue in my lectures and in consulting. It will focus on the emotional development of the child and direct parenting responsibilities.

Life:

Evening. Tired "like a mother", raising her daughter alone, returns from work. The house is not cleaned and she immediately shouts: “How long can this go on! Difficult to remove ?! Sitting on the phone again? I have no more strength - where is the belt ?!”. She really does not have the strength, but the reason is not in her daughter, but in the fact that she is tired at work, does not cope with her duties, feels like a bad mother (which is partly true) and the only person on whom she can pour everything - this is her ten-year-old daughter (in fact, she is independent and does a good job with the household while her mother is at work).

"As if mom" yells, the daughter rudely answers her (trying to protect herself), the mother yells harder, can't stand it, spanks her. And although physically this makes her a little easier (she was discharged), her soul is even more sickening - guilt and shame are mixed with all feelings, which the mother cannot cope with, and instead of asking for forgiveness (doubly ashamed), she begins to cry (passes from the aggressor as a sacrifice), accusing the girl of driving her. The daughter takes pity on her and calms her down.

The parent needs to take care not only of (a) the physical condition of the child (to provide him with the opportunity to sleep, eat, drink, move, teach him to potty), (b) intellectual development (only without fanaticism), (c) social development (teach the child the peculiarities of behavior in society and safety rules, BUT EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT. And I would put emotional development up to point "b" and "c", because almost all mentally healthy children learn to write and read in one way or another to school, but understand themselves, to regulate their feelings, to deal with their aggression, anxiety, pain - not everyone is capable of, even growing up.

It is not only desirable for a parent, but also necessary to take care of the child's emotional state and development. Semi-terminologically speaking, the parent must provide the child with a “container” (sometimes confused with a “toilet bowl”) for feelings. I do not like the word "must", but in this case I use it, so as not to get out. And the argument that many adults cannot / cannot cope not only with children's emotional experiences, but also with their own - is not an excuse. If you don't know how, learn. Read books, go to a psychologist, work them out. You feed your child, even if you once did not know how to cook, you buy ready-made food in the end, but you give the child something to eat (sometimes even too persistently), because you know: you need to eat in order to be alive and physically healthy. To be mentally alive and healthy, it is necessary to provide the child with the opportunity to live / pour out / pour out his emotions, to be a “container” for his feelings, because the child does not initially have his own (internal) container.

If the parent is not a "container" for the child's feelings, then the child most often has to (a) throw a tantrum, (b) suppress feelings (while they do not disappear anywhere) (c) pour out feelings on someone else (for example, "Come off" on a dog, cat or someone safer and weaker), (d) get sick.

At first, something just happens to the child (for example, anger boils), he screams and pounds with his hands. He does not know what exactly is happening and cannot keep to himself. He needs this feeling "to give". Not because he doesn't want to keep his anger to himself, but because he can't. How can not at first control many physiological processes. He needs to throw out his anger, "give" the feeling, which means - to put him in a "container" and such a container should be a parent.

What does it mean to be a good "container"?

In order to put something in the container, there must be free space in the container, right? From which point one follows:

1) A good container is a container with free space … In simple terms, if everything is boiling inside you and the "cup is full", then you will not be able to accept the emotions of your child. And when he screams, throws things, hysterics, then most likely your reaction will be either a return cry / hysteria / counter-aggression, or your own tears of powerlessness. And in this case, the child is already forced to be a container of feelings "as if a parent", but in essence the same confused / frightened / helpless child. Only a real child does not have the resources for this and he has to walk on fragile legs, somehow becomes a parent to his own parent, absorbing his boiling feelings. And since he cannot cope with them, process them - there is nothing, then later he will act out them in the form of symptoms: diseases, aggression, oddities of behavior.

2) Being a good container means being able to accommodate any child's senses. Usually, parents easily admit the child's joy, delight, interest, it is more difficult for them with anxiety, fear, depression, and almost unbearable with anger, indignation, rage. In some families, parents broadcast: "angry = bad, to be angry is bad, you cannot be angry with mom / dad / grandmother." True, there are problems with a sense of joy. For example, a mother may demand enthusiastic joy about some situations (say, a trip that she organized for the whole family) and devalue the child's feeling of joy about what brings pleasure to him, and she herself seems stupid / unimportant / boring (emphasize the necessary). Nature is indifferent to morality and human neuroses. She gave us innate emotions, most often they include: fear, joy (as pleasure), anger (as displeasure), disgust, interest. We need these emotions to live life to the fullest, they help us survive, protect our borders, and learn new things. There are also many shades of the named emotions, combinations, feelings. Among which there are no bad ones. If an emotion / feeling has arisen, then there was a reason for this. And a parent should be open to ANY feeling of his child in relation to ANY object (regardless of morality). Another thing is that not every form of expression is permissible. And the task of the parent is to teach the child to express their feelings in an acceptable way. For example, a sandbox companion broke a toy. The emotion of the child is rage. The form of expression can be different, as examples: 1) rage / anger is suppressed, turns into resentment and the child begins to cry defenselessly, 2) the child in rage hits a comrade on the head with a shovel, 3) the child falls on the sand and throws a tantrum, 4) the child just and clearly says: "I am angry that my toy is broken …" (usually in the case of a parent "container").

3) Being a good container means putting a child's feelings into words. Show empathy (which means to feel what he is feeling). Initially, the child does not understand what exactly is happening to him. He just feels some kind of inner state. Something happens inside and the expression on the face changes, hands clench into fists, the body tenses. The child is looking for a way out of this state through behavior, body, cry. The parent needs to name this feeling, or better, its reason. "You are scared now", "You are anxious", "You are confused", "You are angry because you cannot reach this toy."

4) Being a good container means being with the feeling of a child. Continue to show empathy (at least for a while). After we have heard the child's feeling and voiced it, it is important to be at least a little (or better, as much as the child himself needs) to be with his feeling. “You are now scared among new people and you want to hide. And I want to remain unnoticed, and so that no one pays attention. So?" or “You are angry with the teacher. You just want to growl with anger, scream, scold. You're just furious at the injustice. " “We are in no hurry to immediately resolve the situation, give advice, calm down. As parents, we just need to be close, together. Hug, if necessary, hold the hand, you can speak or be silent.

The next two points are not relevant to the "containment" process, but are critical to the child's emotional development and boundary setting. After all, accepting the feelings of a child, translating them into words, empathy - does not mean permissiveness. Therefore, it is very important for the parent:

5) Suggest acceptable forms of expression of emotion. But not so much socially approved as - suitable for the child himself. For example, to express anger to a small child can help growl ("Let's growl"), or stomp your feet, bang your fists, punching punching bag, but beating and humiliating another person is unacceptable, even when you are angry. This applies to all (!) Family members.

6) Talk about your own feelings. To (a), on the one hand, show by example how exactly you can talk about feelings (any! Feelings), (b) make the child understand how his feelings and their manifestation are perceived by others. For example: “I hear that you are very tired and want to be alone, but I am offended by the rudeness of your words. You could just ask me to leave you for an hour or two. " Here is a favorite book by Julia Gippenreiter ("Communicate with a child. How?") - to help you.

It is clear that the process of listening to the child, containing his feelings, talking with the child about his feelings, cooperation take much more time than the strategy of “demand, yell, take in arms” (sometimes it is also necessary to take in arms - but such situations are extremely rare). However, each time it will be easier to hear, accept, negotiate, and the very emotional care of the child will ultimately determine whether he grows up psychologically safe or neurotic.