FIRST DATE: FIRST DATE RULES FROM A FAMILY PSYCHOLOGIST

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

First Date: When it comes to first dates during training or public lectures, five frequently asked questions are usually asked:

• - Is it right to drink alcohol on first dates?
• - How much costs can be spent on a girl? / What level of costs should be made by a man?
• - When is it right to start a sexual relationship?
• - Do you need to seem better / worse than you really are?
• - Should you ask a potential relationship partner about his life or not? Should I tell the truth about myself?

From the point of view of a psychologist, the answers to these and other questions lie in the plane of what exactly do you want to get, as a result of these first dates. After all, there are quite a few options. Here are the most basic ones:

♦ Option 1. Nothing is needed. Simply top up your pool of personal and / or sexual intercourse and then part quickly and painlessly.

♦ Option 2. Nothing is clear yet. Communicate, and then it will be seen.

♦ Option 3. Hurt someone else (usually a former partner).

♦ Option 4. Wipe everyone's nose, prove to yourself and others that you are cool!

♦ Option 5. It is interesting to spend some free period of time for you: vacation, vacation, weekend, business trip, etc.

♦ Option 6. Create a long-term, serious relationship with an eye to family and children.

♦ Option 7. Create a long-term, serious relationship: sex + communication + pleasant leisure + possibly with periodic living together, but so far without the urgent birth of children and the creation of a family. And there it will be seen.

♦ Option 8. Use your new partner for selfish purposes, having received from him / her material resources (money, apartment, car, job) or the necessary connections.

As practice shows, men are usually interested in options # 1, # 5 and # 7

Girls are usually interested in options # 6, # 7, # 8

Moreover, option number 7 is initially interesting for the minimum number of men and a very large option for girls. It is from here, due to the initial mismatch between desires and relationship scenarios, that obvious contradictions arise between girls and men already in the first scenarios. Which leads to hidden manipulations and outright conflicts. To the fact that girls seek to "check the seriousness of men's intentions and the volume of their wallet" by "wiring" them to visit expensive restaurants, flowers, gifts, trips to the sea, etc. They are tested for strength with hints on the topic "would you help me change my job, rent an apartment or pay off a loan." And men, either strive to get sex on the very first date, or flood the first dates with money, spreading the tails of their vanity, like peacocks, assuming that the girl will give herself up simply “out of decency. And if a girl diplomatically repulses the man's hands on first dates, she automatically records the girl in the "dynamo" category, quarrels with her and ends the relationship at the most inopportune moment, that is, just when she is already setting herself up for the beginning of an intimate relationship with this gentleman …

So what is the right thing to do? I answer:

First, it is important to know that on first dates, most men and women openly lie not to their intended partner, but to themselves. I will show this with an example:

So: What are the motives for dating and starting a relationship?

The general list of male and female desires is simple:

• 1. Desire for sex.
• 2. Desire for personal communication.
• 3. The desire to find a suitable partner to fill or burn out free time: parties, travel, cafes, clubs, museums, general hobbies, etc.
• 4. The desire to find someone who will give moral and psychological support in making important decisions, will share some projects and goals, will be alongside in great achievements.
• 5. The desire to feel like a full-fledged adult: to live independently with a representative of the opposite sex, take care of him, receive reciprocal care of himself, etc.
• 6. Desire to start a family.
• 7. Desire to have children.
• 8. Desire to solve their everyday problems.
• 9. Desire to solve their financial or housing problems. (For example, find someone who will support and relieve you of the need to work).
• 10. Desire to solve their psychological problems: to get out of dependence on parents; prove to others that I am no worse than everyone else and that someone also needs me; ease your worries after a divorce or separation from another partner; have time to start a family and give birth to children, while the reproductive time and health have not yet left, etc.;
• 11. Desire to use a person in commercial or criminal schemes.
• 12. Desire to achieve several goals from this list at once.

Now that you see the entire list, tell yourself: How honest can a conversation on first dates be? As a rule, not very much. The girl will think about her family, but she will be embarrassed to seem "boring philistine" and will say that she just wants to communicate. A man will dream of sex, but knowing what the girl needs and fearing to push her away with a statement of his true intentions, he will say that he wants to create a serious relationship. And we have ritual dances with tambourines.

Therefore, on the first date, you need to say something neutral, such as option number 7: “Create a long, serious relationship: sex + communication + pleasant leisure + possibly with periodic living together, but so far without the urgent birth of children and the creation of a family. And there it will be seen. This position is optimal for the development of both serious and non-serious relationships.

Secondly, you need to tune in to the fact that sex should be a logical consequence of the development of relationships, and not vice versa, when the relationship is a continuation of the sex that happened. If someone in your couple is not yet twenty years old, it is best to go to the beginning of an intimate relationship no earlier than a month later. In order to better understand each other, ourselves and not make mistakes during this time.

If both you and your partner are over twenty years old and both of you have experience with the opposite sex, it is optimal to start intimate relationships on the third date. In this case, the girl will not seem completely "easily accessible", and the man will show how correct he is, well-mannered and knows how to control himself. If he is rude and prone to direct pressure on the girl, it is more correct to part on time.

Again, a girl should not create the "illusion of buying" from a man and "spin" him at high costs. It is advisable for a sensible girl with serious plans to limit herself to ordering coffee or tea when meeting in a cafe, club or restaurant. Because on the first two dates, it is important to rule out euphoria and hasty conclusions made under the influence of alcohol. Because, the cost of a mistake can be too high: from rape or false accusations of attempted rape, to contracting sexually transmitted diseases or unplanned pregnancy.

This is how I clearly answered three of the five questions at the beginning of the article:

• - Is it right to drink alcohol on first dates?
• - How much costs can be spent on a girl? / What level of costs should be made by a man?
• - When is it right to start a sexual relationship?

It is advisable to drink alcohol (at least for a girl) not earlier than the third date, when the basic decision has already been made soberly that it makes sense to create a relationship with this man. Otherwise, alcohol itself will make the decision about sex for you, which can lead to big problems. First decision - then sex, not sex - then decision.

The amount a man spends on a woman on first dates should be extremely small! Otherwise, either the woman will show herself “corrupt” and the man will consider her “bought”, which can lead to either a quick sexual assault or insults and scandals. Of course, a man who is used to buying women or has low self-esteem for men may try to start overspending. A girl who is just looking for a sponsor or is in a short relationship may try to take advantage of it. However, this is wrong in the long run. It is more effective to stop men's waste, win his respect for himself, and then redirect his zeal to create a common family life.

The ideal beginning of intimate relationships for adults is from the third date, when at least a general impression of the person has already formed. And it is best of all to immediately designate this position to a man: "First you need to get to know the person on the first dates, only then a closer relationship." If the overly impatient men drop out, so much the better for you.

Third, you need to be sincere and also with sincere interest to ask your date partner about his / her personality and biography

This is how I answer the remaining two questions:

• - Do you need to seem better / worse than you really are?
• - Should you ask a potential relationship partner about his life or not? Should I tell the truth about myself?

You shouldn't seem to be better than you really are. You need to be yourself and directly denote those values and attitudes that are important to you. This is honest and will save you later from reproaches, "why did you deceive me / but the first impression." Besides:

In the vast majority of cases, men and women

do not remember exactly what they were told on the first date

Because the excitement is too great + people want to listen to what they want. Therefore, only people who are very collected in life, or very experienced in love relationships, hear and analyze everything well. Therefore, it is possible and necessary to talk about yourself boldly: anyway, most likely it will be forgotten, and only the most optimistic and positive will be taken from the story. That is, something that will help the brain deceive itself and quickly switch to sex and procreation.

That is why, I strongly advise: On the first two or three dates, be sure to show concentration and be sure to find out the following ten questions:

• - is the person married or married?
• - have there been formal or civil marriages in the past?
• - are there any children?
• - with whom does the person live?
• - the degree of dependence of a person on parents and friends?
• - the level of education?
• - the nature of the activity and at least the general level of income and prospects of a person in life?
• - a short history of a professional career: is the person systematic or is he very inconsistent in life?
• - what is his / her idea of how relationships should be built, what communication models are comfortable for him?
• - does a person have any important life rules and views?

Moreover, when faced with evasive answers, I advise you to show all the same delicate perseverance. Because, having fallen in love with a married or married, then it will be very difficult to change something. Life, meanwhile, will change dramatically, and years may pass by, leaving behind colorful photos on social networks, but without giving a happy family, no children, no common property, no career, no peace of mind.