Husbands Leave The Family. Family Psychologist Advice

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why do husbands leave the family? For what reasons husbands leave, are there any guarantees that the husband will not leave, that's all I would like to talk to you about in my article. To begin with, there is no one hundred percent guarantee that the husband will never have a mistress or will not decide to leave the family. Husbands leave their wives even when:

- wives earn more than their wives and have a higher social status (let's call it group # 1 “husband is lower than wife”);

- the social status and income level of a husband and wife are approximately comparable (let's call it the middle group No. 2 “husband is equal to wife”);

- the social status and income level of the husband is noticeably higher than that of the wife (let's call her group No. 3 “husband is higher than wife”).

However, the practice of a family psychologist still clearly shows that husbands leave in the middle group “husband is equal to wife”, the total number of both husbands' betrayals and their leaving the family is much lower than in groups No. 1 and No. 3. The explanation for this is more than simple: the middle group “husband is equal to wife” is internally balanced. She is like a sports dumbbell, with two counterweights on the sides. The fact is that in group No. 2 “husband is equal to wife” there are practically no situations where husband and wife are over-rich. It is impossible to become two oligarchs or top officials of cities, regions and corporations at the same time in one family. Because that would mean that the couple developed in parallel. But you must agree: it is technically impossible to achieve this. Of course, there are married couples that look like it. But upon closer examination, it turns out that one of the spouses owes their take-off to the second half or close relatives. Therefore, married couples in the middle group No. 2 mainly consist either of representatives of the middle class, or of people who have difficulty making ends meet. For the former, it is characteristic that the husbands do not have enough free money to create a serious material base for a new family (apartment, car, dacha, trips abroad, etc.). Plus, they are accustomed to everyday comfort, selfish and careful, therefore they are not in a hurry with sudden movements in life. And if the wife is also a successful woman with a decent income, then such husbands are completely reluctant to leave her. And jealousy of successful women is always higher. So it turns out from such husbands that there is not enough money and it is a pity to leave something valuable that is associated with family life and a wife. Hence, there are many betrayals among the middle peasants, but very few real husbands leave the family and divorces. In this category, either alcoholics, or those who have found an even more successful and wealthy "half", or those whose wives refuse to give birth to more children, or men who have abruptly lost their status due to a career or financial decline, dare to do this. But the latter, on this basis, already fall into the first group “husband below wife”. Where, as already mentioned, there are noticeably more divorces, which means that husbands leave less often.

As for those couples where people can hardly make ends meet, there husbands leave families a lot and regularly, but they also return quite quickly and often on their own. After all, most of the departure of such husbands is made either in a drunken stupor, or during conflicts with their wives, again after drunken spree. And there is no need to talk about the beginning of a full-fledged new family life with a mistress: such husbands simply do not have a financial backlog. Exception: when such a husband accidentally meets a wealthier woman who does not immediately understand that she is dealing with an alcoholic or a parasite. Or the husband will get rich, but by doing so he will move to another category # 2.

Based on this passage, you already understand that the bulk of those husbands leaving the family that smell like real divorces is nevertheless connected precisely with marriages, within which there is a noticeable social or financial inequality between husband and wife. Moreover, any person, even those who have nothing to do with psychology, understands that the greatest number of divorce situations is concentrated in the third group - “the husband is higher than the wife”. But this is not at all because there are noticeably more husbands who are more successful than their wives than wives who are more successful than their husbands. In no case! In fact, in many regions of Russia the number of successful women, that is, those who have achieved a high social status, earn good money, have fame and connections, is no less than the number of similar men. The point is different: in group No. 1 "husband is lower than wife":

Successful and middle-class wives behave much less

critical of their regular husbands, rather than successful husbands in relation to their ordinary wives.

This, in turn, is associated with a colossal shortage in society of not only successful macho men, but even ordinary middle-class men, ordinary people. Hence, an adult woman after thirty (and usually does not become successful before) soberly evaluates her appearance, the fact of having a child, the fact of the absence of free successful men and … patiently lives either with someone who secretly or openly cheats on her, or whom she herself is cheating on. Such wives leave the family either in case of one hundred percent selection of an alternative husband for themselves, or in view of the outrageous bestiality on the part of the current husband (alcoholism, beatings, insults, etc.). And they often fight for leaving husbands with such zeal that these men may not even be worth. But the panic of the ladies of middle and Balzac age often prevails over self-esteem and the woman nevertheless returns home that prodigal husband, who, in principle, already understands that she hastened with his decision to start a new life. And he made others laugh …

💡 The main trouble for wives is that in group No. 3 “husband is higher than wife” husbands behave towards their less successful wives (and quite worthy members of society) much more harshly, demanding and categorical. Such husbands, if the level of their status, influence and income is clearly higher than that of the wife, immediately demand a very high level, if I may say so, “family service”: the wife should immediately be young, beautiful, sexy, slim, give birth to children, have a higher education and even take place as a specialist in their field. And many of them do not want to compromise on this issue. Hence, a curious phenomenon arises:

Husbands who have only reached a level slightly above average

begin to make such demands on their wives, which are not always promoted by high-status men.

And all this is simply because such men (especially those between the ages of 30 and 45) are acutely aware of the demand from women of most age and social categories. Plus, traditional male self-confidence convinces such men that their success, connections, money and health are forever. Wives and children are nothing more than disposable interchangeable materials, a halo around their bright face. Hence the desire of such husbands to cut from the shoulder, the willingness to promise to leave his wife to almost everyone who can provide them with passionate sex. Based on this situation, which is developing according to its objective and subjective laws, I will immediately give several advice from a family psychologist:

💡 First. Wives who have achieved much greater success in life than their husbands do not need to pretend to be lost, morally crushed and weak in the process of returning them back to the family. In a period of stress and a struggle for a family, it is no longer necessary to change the existing real strength for ostentatious weakness. It is necessary to remain exactly what the wife was and is. You will need to gradually show your alleged weakness in relation to your husband later, only after your husband returns home. This will be discussed below.

💡 Second. Wives who, in fact, are clearly inferior to their unlucky husbands in the level of success, should gather with all the moral and physical strength and either still pull up their success, or create the illusion that this will happen in the very near future (including do not take money from a problem husband). Thus, we will, as it were, create for the husbands who are too high up in the air the feeling of their family's transition from the third group “husband is higher than wife” to the middle and more stable group “husband is equal to wife”. This, in turn, will confuse the husband who has left the family, disrupt his plans to dominate his wife and after leaving the family, will force him to analyze the current situation again and again, create conditions for his surrender and return to the family. To make all this clear to you, I will switch to the mode of practical recommendations that are already familiar to you.

Practical recommendations of a family psychologist:

1. Husbands leave the family, but Know what the fear of successful husbands leaving the family. The modern world is arranged in such a way that most of the successful people are complete cynics and pragmatists. Which is quite logical: if they were not so, life would hardly have lifted them to the heights of success. This is especially true for men. During a visit to me, they often say something like the following: “Well, I left the family … I left not even because I really wanted to leave, but because my wife pokes her nose everywhere and found out that I have a mistress … Well, so what I have a mistress ?! All my friends who have money have them. And I wouldn’t leave my wife and children if my wife didn’t clamp down on me in my free time, demand accountability in everything and shame me for my mistress. But she began to pinch me, I became uncomfortable, and I left. Do you think I'm ashamed of this? Yes, of course not! I'm a man! I always fulfill my obligations in the family. I carry money, buy a fur coat for my wife, take my children out to sea … What else do you need from me? Will it be better if I sit at home and get a pitiful penny, but my wife is calmer? Hardly. No one will get better from this! And first of all - by themselves! Especially to my wife! She tells me every other day and every day which of her friends her husbands buy luxury goods and which resorts they go to. Therefore, if my wife just quietly rejoiced at how much I achieved, and did not delve into how dad relaxes, everyone would only be better! But, since she does not understand this, I have to go to the one who has better mastered the rules of life. To the one who is ready for my money not to meddle in their own affairs. The mistress will silently allow me to continue to fund my wife and child / children, see them and so on. I will have guaranteed sex with a beautiful wife and no moral nagging. In short, I will live as if for two families, pull two straps at once, but then I will feel like a man and a master of the situation … As for the fact that now my wife ran after me and asks to come back for the sake of the children, I'm not a naive person and I understand that they only ask me to return to my family because of my money! If I were a beggar, I doubt very much that they would run after me like that … Therefore, I will wait now for a month or two, watch how my wife gets along with the money that she has, see if her brains will stand up? If she accepts the unwritten rules of the game in exchange for my money, she will give me complete freedom, maybe I will return to her. But only on your own terms! If she continues to try to impose conditions on me so that I do not cheat and report to her in every step, then for sure - I will file for divorce and live with my mistress. My wife doesn't care, after six months or a year, left without my money, she will calm down and accept my rules. If she gets money from me, there will be no point in marrying her. She will not make a career for me anyway: she will not have enough character, intelligence and connections … So we will live as I need. Albeit with a fight, but I still get it. More precisely, I'll buy it for my own money. Because this is how life is arranged: whoever dines on a girl dances her. Dances exactly the way he wants!.

What can you and I learn from such a typical monologue of a successful husband who left the family? Four masculine attitudes are obvious:

Attitude 1. Husbands leave because they believe that, fighting to preserve the family, wives are fighting primarily for the husband's money.

Setting 2. Husbands leave, because they are sure that depriving the wife of money for a certain period of time will surely break her character, make her kneel before her husband, accept his rules of the game. Here, husbands work in much the same way as the trainers of wild animals tame dangerous predators: first they starve them, then feed them, and thus arouse a feeling of gratitude and obedience to themselves.

Attitude 3. husbands leave because they do not believe that their abandoned wives can achieve any noticeable success in life, they consider them notorious losers, weaklings and parasites on them, Great Ones. If the wives were successful, they would not have left them.

Installation 4. Husbands leave, as they are convinced that if they receive substantial material assistance from their husbands after the divorce, the wives will be left alone until the end of their days, they will not want to look for another husband. By virtue of this, they will not only provide the departed husband with free access to the abandoned child, but also actually allow him to live in two families. Feel like a kind of super Macho, super successful Male and Squared Man. Although, most likely - in a triangle.

What are successful husbands leaving the family afraid of: If we translate this into completely elementary formulations, then such husbands leaving the family, knowingly excluding for themselves the danger of deterioration of life and the quality of life in a new family (there is still enough money for this), nevertheless, are desperately afraid of three things, namely:

- The abandoned wife will flatly refuse monthly financial assistance and the husband's alimony, thereby reducing the number of reasons for him to communicate both with the wife herself and with the common child / children. Anyway, she will begin to behave independently, defiantly and will allow herself to put in the place of her departed husband.

- The abandoned wife will be able to create a love relationship or marry such a man, which will be even more successful than the ex-husband. And against his background, the departed husband himself will or seem to be a loser and a loser.

- An abandoned wife will suddenly be able to make a dizzying career and earn big money, to take place as a businessman, a boss, or in any case - a serious and famous person. As a result, the entire environment of the departed husband will unequivocally decide that he is a fool who has abandoned his happiness in life.

Accordingly, if you want to return home your husband who has left you, these male predivision phobias should be used to the fullest, getting into the eye with your actions not in the eyebrow, but in the eye.

First of all, it should be said about the classic female approach: “I do not work at all or work without fanaticism and do not make a career because my husband himself asked me to be a housewife. Plus I am the mother of the child and have the right not to work. And in general: we have money in our family and we have enough of it. But I need to be beautiful. I am also a creative person and I am engaged in self-realization and develop! ". So, keep in mind: in real life, this approach does not work for a very long time. And all this is simply because: firstly, there is very little ordinary human gratitude in life. Secondly, when men fall in love (as well as women), they immediately become critical, ruthless and offensively sarcastic towards those whom they have appointed to the "Former". And they no longer remember what they promised.

I propose to take a close look at how the basic explanations of wives work, why they have not achieved anything in life. After all, what seemed logical when you and your husband were 25-35 years old, and the children were small, completely ceases to be such, when you and your husband are already 35-40 years old, the children have grown, you have grown old, and your successful husband - still quite ready groom! After your husband falls in love with someone else, there is a sharp risk of hearing from him a common phrase: “I am also a housewife and a mother … In fact, you didn’t work just because you didn’t want to work! Children are just a pretty cover. There are a lot of women around that have achieved great positions and money in life, not only with two children, but even without a husband at all! And you found me, sat on my neck and drove off … That's it, dear, get off! I would give birth to three or four, then there would be fewer questions. And with one, especially one who is already finishing school, our paths diverge! And no arguments that it was you who raised your husband, helped him in everything, made him what he is now, will not be heard. They will only increase his anger and alienation. After all, the truth always hurts my eyes …

As for the fact that dad works, and mom is beautiful, it is absolutely clear that the beauty of a synthetic girl after 35 years, no matter how interesting it is, still cannot be compared with the natural beauty of a young creature from 18 to 25 years old. To train an adult wife, a successful husband needs to stop funding her silicone and dental implants, gyms and botex. The wife either accepts the conditions of her husband and will diligently pretend that she does not know about his mistresses, or she will start looking for herself an equally rich sponsor. Who, most likely, will not marry and will only hold out for a few years. Then there is emptiness.

Employment of wives with creative professions or interesting leisure activities, such as photography, yoga, dancing, drawing, painting, design, macrame, etc., if the wife does not become a city or regional star, often causes irritation (since this gives the husband jealousy), or suggests her possible mental abnormalities. Even in a situation with the above-described activities, or, as many successful husbands believe - types of inactivity, I often had to listen to the following male reasoning: “Yes, we have money in our family, and a wife can afford either not to work at all, or to engage in some kind of then creative work that does not take much time. Or formally go to some kind of work for just a few hours a day … We have children … Of course, I want them to reach some tangible heights in life. And it only recently dawned on me that a woman who herself did not take place in life as a professional in some area, did not take command posts, did not learn how to earn decent money, is unlikely to be able to show a personal example to our children! She obviously will not be able to give them the impulse of success that I would like to see … My mistress opened my eyes to this … She is thirty years old, she has a small child from a previous marriage, where her husband drank and she kicked him out. So, my mistress is a very successful person! She is a whole head of a department / department in … (a bank, a large company, a district or city administration, a federal structure, etc.). And she achieved all this herself! Without a husband and with a small child! My own wife, having me, my connections and money, as there was Nobody, remains Nobody! And she also allows herself to criticize me … Now my mistress will clearly be able to raise a successful child who will go even further than she. From this one can and should have children. And my house cluck will grow up from our children only drones, which we, or rather I, will keep until the end of our days. What will she teach them: photography, yoga or painting pictures? Here's a laugh! How great it will help them to break through in life to the top! Therefore, I do not see any sense in cherishing such a loser wife … That is why I left for another. Even with a child, but successful."

All of this may be offensive to read, but many men think so:

Inactivity - can be the main activity, outwardly vigorous activity in essence

may be inactivity.

And smart wives, especially the wives of successful husbands, should be aware of this!

As for whether the wife has some kind of chronic diseases or the speculation of many wives on the topic that the wife needs her husband's care and his money all the time, so the disintegration of the family will be like death, then, undoubtedly, husbands sometimes return to such wives. Only here's the trouble: usually not for long! Husbands make sure that the wife either recovers or does not experience certain inconveniences, pay someone extra for additional care and still go to the young and healthy. Or in any case, it is better to hide their ailments.

What to do with all this in a critical situation? First of all, do not panic, do not lose your self-esteem and remember:

Husbands rarely leave the family if they are afraid

that an abandoned wife would do just fine without them, realizes himself as a person and gets married.

💡 How to achieve this in practice if your husband left you specifically? Read on ……..

2. Husbands leave the family, and you Immediately go to work with a lot of men!

Regardless of who your husband is and how much he earns, after he leaves the family, in order to increase your success:

- if you have not worked, you should definitely go to a job where there is an opportunity for career growth and getting a decent income;

- if you work, you need to consider all the possibilities for raising your official status (and, accordingly, the level of income);

- if where you work and your status is low, there are no career prospects, change this job to a more promising one.

Going to work, we kill all birds with one stone:

- we deprive the husband and his parents of the opportunity to keep you on a short leash with our money;

- we strengthen your connection with the child (it will be more difficult for the husband to bribe the children with his money, the children will clearly see how the mother is trying for them);

- we distract you from sorrowful thoughts;

- we increase your self-confidence;

- we give you at least a small, but still our own earnings.

When applying for a job, it is imperative to look for work only in large organizations where dozens, or even better, hundreds of people work. There is no point in going to work where only a few people work. It is very difficult to make a fast career there. Optimally: work in the state or municipal service, in some federal or law enforcement structure or a large company. First, there will definitely be a lot of men, which will immediately make your husband jealous, who has left. Secondly, it sounds better and gives you a better chance of career advancement. Thirdly, I rarely heard that husbands were proud of their wives - administrators and dispatchers anywhere, beauty salon workers, salespeople, etc. But even a lower position in any administration, large firm or organization causes a very serious attitude towards such a woman from everyone around her. Especially from the husband's side. In addition, in all large and serious organizations, career lifts are faster. Unless, of course, the employee has the ability to press the right buttons. In my practice, I have encountered two typical situations dozens of times. As part of the first, while the months passed, and the husband kept thinking whether to return or not, the wife from yesterday's housewife was already becoming a successful specialist or manager, often starting to earn no less than her husband. And already pondering herself on the topic: does she really need this husband? In the second situation, having found out exactly where their wives had settled and how many men there were, the husbands returned in panic and begged their wives to leave work immediately. At the same time, the husbands' motives were clear: they really didn’t want their acquaintances to laugh at the fact that their ex-wives could have many lovers and partners from a new job.

I have had such curious situations in my practice, when abandoned wives got a job in the same organizations as their husbands. Of course, without their knowledge. When these women acquired a positive reputation there, and the whole team found out whose wives they were, this put such moral pressure on the husbands that they attempted to restore relations and not be a laughing stock to those around them. I know several stories at once, where wives after some time outgrew their husbands in the service, even became their immediate bosses.

I will make a reservation at once and a few more points about the beginning of a working career.

If a wife has a child from one to six years old, but does not have a kindergarten, it is quite possible to attach him to his parents for several months. Having then started to earn decent money, send the baby to a private kindergarten or hire a nanny. It's okay that you will be without a child for a while, no! I will say more:

Many wives themselves cease to be infantile children, when they are forced to support their child

or for some time they do not have the opportunity to see him often.

If you send your child to your parents for six months, it will cause special feelings for your husband, who also lost the opportunity to see him at a convenient time for himself. It is possible that this will motivate him to return to his wife, if only so that she again returns to the status of a housewife, and the child is there. In addition, in the absence of a child, warm personal relations between husband and wife, especially intimate ones, are often restored faster.

3. Husbands leave the family, and you are going on a business trip! Do not be afraid of business trips and advanced training. As you know, both are very useful for a successful career. Only married women are usually contraindicated. Husbands are jealous, there is no one to sit with children, and there is no special need for this. However, what is bad in normal family time can unexpectedly turn out to be a good when life ties us in a sea knot. Therefore, if your husband left you, it's time to talk to your management that you are ready for almost anything - both business trips and short-term courses. This will not only give you extra money, connections and career steps up, but also cause wild jealousy in your husband. You can also ask your husband to spend the night with your child / children at your home on days when you are not in town. This will strengthen the bond between the father and his children, and will again cause tension in the relationship between the husband and his mistress. Plus, you can tell your husband that business trips and professional development are a direct requirement of management before your future promotion at work. This is usually the case, so your husband will believe. All this together gives a very useful effect from the point of returning the husband back home. That is why, I unobtrusively advise my readers to tell their departed husbands about your business trips and upcoming promotions, even when in fact there is no mention of either the first or the second. War is like war.

4. Husbands leave the family, and you leave for another city! Spread a rumor about your imminent possible move to another region. Another powerful way to get a fugitive husband back into his family is to tell him in confidence that:

- High management invites you to become a leader in an additional office in another city or region. Of course, with the move.

- During a business trip or advanced training, you made very useful acquaintances, now you are invited to work in a happy far away. You will have to sell an apartment, buy another one there, the child will be with you.

- You are very worried about the departure of your husband from the family, you have no desire to face him and his passion on the same streets. Therefore, you yourself have found yourself a vacancy somewhere on the other side of the country or even the world. Departure in two months. Therefore, it is high time to divide the property. Or to keep the wife and child in place by their quick return to their native land.

- You have decided that your child will enter a university, technical school, military or river school in another city or region. You are planning to leave with your child and in the best interests of the child.

In all these cases, departed husbands suddenly begin to show the same activity as disturbed bees. I managed to save a lot of families thanks to such unpretentious methods, when you do something that your husband, who left the family, simply could not calculate and foresee! The main thing is that you play as accurately as possible. Including the packing of things at home (so that the husband can see), the page of some recruiting agency from another city that was supposedly accidentally not removed when the husband came to visit from the computer monitor, posting information on a social network that you are doing a sale of your furniture and clothes, an indication in the status, saying goodbye to your hometown, etc. If respected Stanislavsky would have believed, your fugitive husband would also believe. Not wanting to cut off the connection with you and the child, he will leave his mistress and return. Often - in tears of repentance.

5. Husbands leave the family, and you become a business woman. If you have the ability to start your own business - do it! Know that according to my observations of life, Every third successful businessman was forced to become one.

Simply put, life made you! Including through divorce or the threat thereof. Therefore, if you can make some relatively quick and effective business scheme, do it as soon as possible. Mastering new things is always a great distraction from depression, and your financial success will definitely lift you up in the eyes of your husband. And they will make him value you more.

6. Husbands leave the family, and you become a famous person. Start promoting your family in the media! If you have money, and your husband who left the family is a serious person, you can put pressure on his pride and jealousy in another way. Call the editorial offices of all reputable newspapers, magazines, radio and TV channels in your city and find out how much it costs to publish custom-made material about your happy family. I can tell you with authority that if you really understand this issue and bargain well, it can be very inexpensive. The fact is that:

Gloss is often a fig leaf. This applies not only to people, but also to the field of journalism. All sorts of editions are always financially hungry! Therefore, in our contractual age, it is possible to agree with them about almost everything. But there are still acquaintances and relatives working in this field, relatives of acquaintances and acquaintances of relatives! After establishing the necessary contacts and order of prices, make fresh photo sessions for yourself and the child (read the chapter "Changing the image of a wife in the absence of a husband"), you can even involve your husband in this:

covering up the eternal lack of money.

General staged photos "husband, wife and children"

especially valuable during family conflicts.

After all, they are seen by her husband's mistresses.

After that, together with the journalists, come up with many reasons for publishing like:

- You have a wedding anniversary soon, and your husband is a famous person in the city.

- You have a professional holiday soon, it's time to interview you about this.

- You can be an expert on a particular issue and you are appropriately invited to a TV show, TV news, or interviewed for a newspaper, magazine or radio.

- Your child won something somewhere (more on this in Chapter 20), therefore, this young talent should be set as an example for everyone. Of course, with an indication of who his mom and dad are, what outstanding pedagogical abilities they have.

- In some women's section, you can talk about how difficult it is for the wife of a successful husband to live. Or just a wife. Or daughter-in-law. Or a budget woman. Etc.

If you don’t be shy, there are many reasons to become an active media person in your city or even the whole region. But we haven't even talked about charity and social media groups yet … Do you think your husband's mistress will be happy to watch you tell everyone about what a strong family you have and how everyone loves each other? What will she say to your husband who has gone to her? I think you yourself will answer correctly. After your interview about what a great dad he is, how do you think it will be comfortable for your husband to appear in public with another woman? The answer is similar. Correct family PR is a truly striking weapon both for saving a family in a difficult moment, as well as for a timely rebuff to a mistress when you already know about her existence, and your husband is not yet aware of your awareness. Of course, you need to know how to use this weapon. But it seems to me that you are the one who will learn. After all, you already know everything!

Remark

Husbands leave the family, and you want not only to save the family, but also to preserve your own dignity in the process, it is desirable that it take place as a Personality and a Professional in some kind of activity that can either feed her or make her a respected person in the eyes of public opinion. Only in this case will she avoid the humiliating role of an eternal supplicant in front of her husband and make him cherish himself. And, as you know, if a person values something, he will never give it up!