What Makes A Family? Three Types Of Modern Family From Family Psychologist Zberovsky

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

What makes a family? In practice, there are only three explanations for creating a family:

• - Because both partners love each other or experience other bright and strong positive emotions: affection, emotional comfort, intimate attraction, jealousy, the desire to have children together, etc.
• - Because the first partner loves the second partner very much, and the circumstances that create discomfort are forced into the relationship. For example, there is no apartment, no car, a decent income, education, career prospects, already a great age, there is self-doubt, health problems, etc. Marriage either automatically solves most of these problems, or in any case creates favorable conditions for their solution in the future.
• - Because both partners are forced to do this by objective circumstances. Only then, in the process of friendship, intimate and family communication, according to the scheme "endure - fall in love", thanks to the habit, attachment and mutual respect are born, outwardly very similar to love. Or over the years it becomes love. Often stronger than the notorious "love at first sight".

If we express each point more succinctly, we get that a family is created by:

- bright strong positive emotions (love, intimate attraction, jealousy, desire to have or raise children together, etc.);

- the need to overcome various life difficulties, i.e. cunning as a way to achieve life comfort;

- habit.

In short, these are: Emotions plus children, comfort and time.

Strong emotions (passion, jealousy, desire to have children, etc.),

the desire to get better in life and the time factor

both help to create a family and destroy it and push

husbands and wives to attempts to create families with new partners

At the same time, within the framework of the same family, all these points can be felt and comprehended in different ways by the husband and wife. Yes, not just in different ways, but in a fundamentally different way. I will try to show you as clearly as possible.

The family, like any other human organization, cannot successfully move through life if it lacks: specific general goals, clear planning, distribution of duties and responsibilities, exclusion of those activities that bring harm rather than benefit, to the common cause, decrease frequency of manifestation of unnecessary and inconsistent initiative, punishment of the guilty and encouragement of leaders. It is significant that for quite a long time in relation to the concept of "spouses" the market capitalist term "partners" has been used as an equivalent word. Continuing this graphic comparison, I will note: from my point of view, a family is really similar to a commercial organization in that it has “founders” and “employees” (you can also call them “involved”).

The founders, having personally invested in the creation of the company, live for the future. Being the initiators of the creation of a new structure-organization, having a deeply conscious internal motivation, they are ready to suffer losses for a long time, work in a negative way, endure obvious inconveniences, but sincerely believe that after some time everything will pay off and there will be a lot of profit. The latter, proceeding not from their own internal need, but from the harsh vital necessity, are guided primarily by their gastric interests in the present. Hence, they do not give a damn about the hazy and sweet prospects in a bright tomorrow, they are not ready to endure hardships, not supported by material and moral incentives, they can quit at any time,if wages are delayed or the bosses will swear heavily. By this analogy, all families can be roughly divided into three types:

Three types of modern family

Family type 1. A very strong, partner family: husband and wife are equally both “founders” of their family. Given that 90% of those girls and women who have long-term love relationships usually dream of marriage, they are automatically founders. However, unfortunately, their men are not always ready to offer "a hand and a heart" on their own initiative. They can be friends for years, but for some reason they never call their beloved. Therefore, the true founders of the family, from my point of view, should be considered only those men who themselves called their girlfriend in marriage. Moreover, he did this without preliminary numerous hints from her, without direct or indirect pressure from relatives and friends, without financial or other self-interest, not forced by the fact that the girl was pregnant, etc. If a man and a woman, firstly, created a family for love, and secondly, at the initiative of a man, then practice shows: it is such husbands and wives, like partners-shareholders, who are ready to stoically withstand all those household, financial and personal inconveniences that may arise in their family life. Of course, sincerely believing that in the future everything will pay off handsomely. As you can imagine, this is the most optimal family option. By and large, this is the Family. It is these spouses that we can rightfully call real partners in relationships not only in the family, but in general - in life. And the likelihood of a husband leaving such a family and subsequent divorce is very low. The situation is a little more complicated with family type 2.

Family type 2. Family of medium strength: one of the spouses is the “founder of the family”, and someone is a “hired worker” involved in it. For example, a girl really wanted to get married, but her boyfriend was forced to marry her only after her pregnancy. Or the guy sincerely loved the girl and offered her "a hand and a heart" himself, but she married him only because a wealthier man left her, and there were no other options. Or the guy got married and had children just because he didn't want to go to the army. Or the guy was ready to marry, the girl did not like him, but her age and the lack of her own home put pressure on her, so she still got married. Or the girl was ready to marry for love, and the guy was forced into marriage by his own parents.

In a situation where one of the spouses went to create a family only on the basis of some kind of pressure or self-interest for the sake of, or from despair, such a couple turns out to be very vulnerable in a situation when one of the spouses (usually a man) is “a hired worker”, after the start of family life, he suddenly sees in something a significant infringement of his material, moral, sexual, career or some other interests. This is the "founder of the family" - ready (a) to endure, firmly knowing what exactly he (a) wants in the future. But the "attracted" men and women most often do not look back at yesterday, they do not intend to wait long for a happy future, they only take into account the reality of the current day. If a husband stays at work for the common good and saving money for an apartment, such a wife is already unhappy. If the wife has grown fat after the birth of the child, she cannot regain her attractive forms in any way - her husband is already annoyed. If a husband is laid off at work, or his business goes bankrupt, his “involved” wife can go to another, wealthier and more successful one. If a wife gets very tired at work, and in chores around the house is not able to support her husband's initiative for intimacy, her “attracted” husband is likely to have a mistress. Etc. etc.

In this version of the family, of course, there is a certain margin of safety. But alas: it is not very big. Therefore, I define it as a family of medium strength.

To be fair, I would like to note that there are at least half of such families in any city. And if you suddenly recognized your family in this description of the concept, please do not be alarmed: the author's term "family of average strength" is not at all a terrible diagnosis! This is nothing more than an assessment of the starting situation in a couple who are just starting a family. If such a husband and wife behave correctly in their family life, if love and mutual respect for each other and children come to both of them, such a family will be able to move into the category of a strong family. Which, by the way, also quite logically fits into the market rules of the game. After all, everyone knows: if the hired employee shows zeal, accumulates some amount and invests it in the company where he works, he will also become one of its founders. Accordingly, the level of his interest in working at the enterprise, where he himself is one of the owners, will become higher, as well as responsibility for his work. And from now on, he will also perceive other founders not as "enemies-exploiters", but as equal colleagues.

Family type 3. Family of low strength: both spouses are hired employees. The “founders of the family” in this case were either third parties - relatives or friends of the husband and wife (who are for the husband and wife something like puppeteers for puppets), or the harsh life circumstances forcing the husband and wife, such as an unplanned pregnancy, lack of housing for living, overripe age, long absence of sexual partners, etc. Such an internally fragile family is doubly sensitive to situations where one of the spouses will have their rights violated, an attack on their personal comfort zone will occur. If this is not compensated for by something positive and significant, the departure of one of the partners from the family is a matter of time. Especially after the noticeable complication of the life of the spouses, usually after the birth of the child.

To present such a family more clearly, imagine the image of a team of workers, only without a foreman or any other boss. Taken separately by themselves, all workers can be good personalities and even professionals in their field. However, if no one gives them clear orders, and the most important thing is to control the very process of their work, with a high degree of probability the workers will stand idle, communicate, smoke incessantly and do many other things that do not in any way increase the efficiency of the work process. Although formally they will still remain a brigade. Only - ineffective, which will either be reduced as unnecessary, or dispersed. Or, realizing that they have no prospects, the team members themselves will be ready to move at any time to some other team: where there is a clear motivation for work and results, and most importantly, there is a leading principle, a “founder”. Here is a family that was formed by chance, according to the scheme - "because it is so necessary", "from the bulldozer", "by default", "because it is time", "he / she has something to take", etc., is deprived of internal urge for self-development. She will go with the flow until one of the couple meets in his life such a person with whom you can form either a much more effective “team” in terms of obtaining results, or parasitism for the two of us. It is then that betrayal, leaving the family and divorce will occur.

As you may have noticed, the three forms of family I have described, first of all, differ in the degree of interest of the spouses in creating a family (which creates a family), the margin of moral strength to endure those various everyday moral and material inconveniences and internal conflicts that, alas, always accompany any family in various periods of its formation or existence.

We have three main factors on which the creation and destruction of a family depends:

• - emotions of love, attraction and jealousy (for a wife, husband, children);
• - comfort / discomfort from the device in life;
• - the time during which the formation of relations in a couple takes place and the most important questions about sex, children, appearance, living space, cars, career, income, the specifics of communication with relatives and friends, etc. are resolved or not resolved. etc.

We also have three main types of modern families:

• - Type No. 1. A very strong, partner family: husband and wife are equally both “founders” of their family.
• - Type No. 2. A family of average strength: one of the spouses is the “founder of the family”, and someone is a “hired worker” involved in it.
• - Type No. 3. A family of low strength: both spouses are hired "employees".

Comparing these two "triplets" with each other, understanding their direct relationship with each other, it is easy for us to draw several conclusions:

Conclusion 1. The optimal Type 1 family is very resistant to life's discomfort. Overcoming time, she can withstand various household, financial and other hardships of life for quite a long time. But such spouses can react very nervously and violently to the fact that the other half of them personally offend, offend or cheat: they can leave the family or go for a divorce only because of personal motives, while their life in general will be very well arranged. In addition, being very emotional, such spouses can themselves fall in love with someone else and throw themselves into a love pool with their heads. Accordingly, a particularly vulnerable, weak point of this type of couples is family intimacy. If for some reason he dies, as they say - expect trouble! If everything is positive with him for many years, then the strength of the family will be worthy of all praise. Also, in such couples, quarrels should be excluded due to the fact that it hurts the heart most painfully - because of relationships with relatives and children. Anything that can hurt emotionally in this pair should be excluded and mitigated at any cost.

Conclusion 2. A family of medium strength (type No. 2) has a weak link, an "Achilles heel", in the form of moral, material, financial, everyday, intimate (etc.) comfort of the partner who is "attracted", Or in my terminology, "An employee". The one of the partners who did not really need the creation of a family (the person openly delayed a visit to the registry office), will make attempts to leave the family whenever he / she thinks that he / she deserves more. Either an alternative version of a partner will turn up at hand, who will be able to provide either more comfortable living conditions, or at least create the illusion that this is possible in the very near future. Such an attracted partner can buy absolutely anything: regular tasty food, high-quality sex, the opportunity to improve their living conditions, raise their social or material status, etc. What is especially unpleasant, the weak link is always very immune to constructive criticism of one's life and family behavior. For example, a wife may perfectly rightly blame such a husband that he needs to go to higher education or stop drinking alcohol, or stop communicating with problem friends. But here's the trouble: he will think that he is being suppressed and can easily leave with things to someone who will have her own home and for some time she will accept him as he is, without trying to improve. Of course, in half of the cases, the fugitive will then ask to return to the family, but everyone's nerves will be at their limit. For such "hired workers" the spouses - "founders" will have to look both ways …

Conclusion 3. A family of low strength (type No. 3), where both spouses are attracted "employees", and the family itself was born rather under the pressure of circumstances, and not due to planned actions and love of partners, if the partners do not use the full potential of their minds and do not rebuild the relationship scheme, for many years will hang by a thread from a divorce. And the divorce there, most likely, will eventually happen. It is these families that are hostages of the time factor, rarely exist for more than three to five years, and are the main supplier of single mothers in the country.

Having made all these conclusions, I note one very curious paradox:

Opportunities for mutual understanding

most husbands and wives are very limited

All this is simply because the “founding spouses” very often perceive all problems in family life as mere trifles, clearly underestimate them, wrongly proceeding from the fact that similar optimistic attitudes are taking place in the head of the “involved” partner. For example: "There is no money yet, we live with our parents - these are the little things in life, all this passes, in a couple of years we will have everything." But at the same time, "involved" partners tend to perceive the usual current difficulties of family life as outrageous and tragic, thereby overestimating the degree of their severity and significance for the prospects for life together. For example: “My wife won't let me spend the night with friends, doesn't allow me to take out a loan to buy a more expensive car, doesn't show the initiative to have sex … This doesn't suit me, we have no prospects … It's different, my work colleague Natalya … with her, my family life would definitely work out …”.

This is where the effect of conjugal conversations arises according to the scheme “I don’t hear you - you don’t hear me!”, When, without an intermediary in the form of loved ones or a family psychologist, the husband and wife are no longer able to agree on a way out of the impasse.

The paradox of the situation lies in the fact that the level of adequacy of the assessment of the family situation and self-criticism of the “founders” of the family so much praised by me before is lower than that of the “involved” ones! This paradox is quite logical: after all, the “founders” have more love for their partner and more optimism. But the level of discomfort and irritation from family life is still higher for the “attracted” person. Accordingly, the assessments of family problems by a husband / wife of this type often turn out to be more correct than those of a more naive and aspiring to a bright family future “founder”. And if the “founder” either cannot ensure the transformation of the “involved” into the same “founder” as he (a) himself (a), or does not hear the objectivity and correctness of the irritation of the “involved”, he will not be able to timely or at least urgently improve a situation in a couple, a crisis in such a family cannot be avoided. Well, if the “attracted” is a husband, then it's not far from his betrayal and leaving the family …

I give three specific advice:

Tip 1. Never start a family by directly imposing your candidacy as a husband or wife. Especially as a wife! The maximum that can be done is to be imposed indirectly. More specifically about this is written in my other book: "Why are you not married yet and how to achieve this ?!"

Tip 2. If you have failed to create a marriage where both partners are equally initiators and “founders”, there is no need to grieve and panic! You just need to gradually reformat your couple, increase the level of interest of your partner in the marriage with you. This is described in detail in such my books as "How to Assess the Strength of Your Marriage" and "How to Strengthen Your Marriage."

Tip 3. If you are a woman, never rely on your man to keep your family together

Remark

You must clearly understand to yourself: it is not so important how exactly you created your family. The main thing is that in the future the spouses do not feel a lack of positive emotions, sex, children, they are not jealous, have their own family corner and a stable job, at least a little free money for cinema and cafes, set more and more new goals for themselves, know how to spend their leisure time in an interesting way and did not depend on the will of mums / dads and friends / girlfriends. Then time will help you. If there are problems with anything from this list, time will take the husband from the wife or the wife from the husband. And pass them on to someone else. Cheating in this case will not be so much the cause of divorce as the result of improper family creation and the husband and wife's ignorance of the motives that work in the head of their “family half”. Take care of your family!