Family Goals And Success. The Goals Of Modern Men. Five Types Of Family Troubles Due To Differences In The Understanding Of The Concept Of "success" And Goals In Life

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Family goals. When I started practicing family psychology twenty years ago, that was exactly how it was. About a third of conflicts in love and married couples arose precisely for these reasons: earlier, the difference in the goals of life was due to the usual way of life and the stereotypes of the parents' life. Incidentally, it was generally easy to regulate such conflicts. However, over the past two thousandth, as it is customary to say now, "zero", the situation in this matter has changed in the most radical way. The globalization that has taken place, modern household appliances, cable TV, the Internet, Wi-Fi, Skype, social networks, mobile phones, iPads and iPads, have changed cultural ideas, moral values, and the very ideas about the goals of people's lives in ten years as they did before. it would have been impossible for a whole century: ideas about the goals of life today seem to have become equal, averaged, brought to a common denominator.

As a result, as a specialist, I note that, even while continuing to live in completely different living conditions, the overwhelming majority of men and women aged 16 to 45 now have a generally similar idea of life as a struggle for so-called success.

In the modern world, a dream, or rather, next to it, has been replaced by the concept of “success”. Unlike dreams as an inner essence, spiritual and mental in their essence, success is a purely external concept, I would say - material. Current success is the ability to behave and look so that others envy you, that they want to communicate with you, that you are considered the best option, a friend or girlfriend, wife or husband. Success is a set for realizing a dream in a world of heightened competition. Expensive telephones and cars, branded clothing, food without freezing and preservatives, the right to choose a partner in a relationship, the opportunity to rush to the ends of the world at any moment, recognition on the streets by sight - this is modern success. Success is the ability to look ahead, as if your dream has already come true. And whether this is really so or not, only worries you. Moreover, you may not be bothered either …

Packaged properly … This is success in street slang. Whether the one who is packed on the outside is happy inside is a big question. Did he (she) have a dream and did it come true? Has the person's success brought him closer to his dream, or has it moved away? Or he became a manager at Gazprom, because this is success, but in fact he dreamed of creating a small veterinary hospital and treating animals. In the end, this is what he does (so that friends envy, or believe that a person behaves according to his capabilities). These are all big questions. And not always the answers. That is why there is an increase in the number of successful and wealthy people who are envious of psychologists in general. It increases because the pursuit of Success has come into conflict with the Dream. And simple human Happiness rushes somewhere between them and with someone closer to Success, someone closer to the Dream.

But the most important thing is that Happiness, Success and Dream:

- firstly, in the minds of various modern men and women, they have different outlines, configurations;

- secondly, Family well-being in the understanding of various men and women with Happiness, Success and Dream can also be combined in different ways. For some they are friends with family well-being, but for others they are not …

What problems can arise in a family?

Five types of family troubles due to differences in the understanding of the concept of "success" and goals in life:

The first problem: different understanding of people of their own success. Someone needs a successful career and everyone needs to manage. Someone wants to work hard and achieve a social calling. Someone wants to become a banker, oligarch or high-ranking official and is ready to work hard for this. Someone just wants a lot of money, and to work less. Someone wants to live a long time, and at the same time, calmly. Someone wants to always look good. Someone needs a lot of children and to be with them all the time (and even money is not very important). Some people have a lot of children, but only the “second half” should study with them. And so on and so forth.

Trouble two: Different people understand the success of their family members. Simply put, each spouse evaluates the successes, goals and the very rhythm of life of his "half" differently. For example, a man as a whole may consider himself successful. In any case, he sees himself as such in relation to other men from his environment of communication. But, here's the trouble: his wife sees even more successful men at work and, in relation to them, evaluates the success of her husband, his income and his status, very critically. Or, say, a woman wants to take place as a mother, her children are normal average children, but for a husband, the indicator of a wife's success as a mother is excellent children. And if this is not the case, he may rate her low. Etc. etc.

Trouble three: People are firmly convinced that it is their understanding of success and goals in life that is the only correct one. Every person has what is called the "sin of subjectivity": the boundless confidence that it is his views on life that are correct, and the views of other people are allegedly often wrong. This problem is especially amplified if a person considers himself to be generally successful. Then from the height of his "success" he assesses the success of others, their life goals are especially critical and harsh. For example, a husband, a middle-class official hoping to make a career, can mercilessly ridicule the "success" of his own wife, who simply works as a doctor, teacher, salesman, etc. Or, the wife-owner of a retail outlet, who makes a profit every day, will openly laugh at the successes of her husband-a policeman, husband-firefighter, husband-military, etc., since from their success and results at work, money in the family no longer becomes …

Trouble four: The difference in understanding the methods of achieving their own success. Simply put, each spouse evaluates success, goals, rhythm differently and, especially, methods of approaching the achievement of goals, methods of achieving success. For example, a husband and wife living in a small town decided to move to the regional capital. This is a good goal that brought them all together and mobilized. But, at the same time, the wife may think that for its implementation it is necessary to work a lot and it is advisable to find additional jobs in order to earn an apartment for the move. But my husband believes that “you just need to be in the right place and at the right time” and just strives to get into some campaigns of people associated with activities in the capital of the region, goes with him to baths and restaurants, tries to make friends, to be for they are needed. Thus, "jump" to a higher standard of living and find yourself in the desired capital. Of course, serious conflicts can occur between them.

Trouble five: The difference in understanding the methods of achieving someone else's success. Each spouse, striving for joint family success, for achieving such joint goals as acquiring a new apartment, car, summer residence, real estate abroad, getting high positions of starting a business, etc., is very afraid that the partner's method of achieving this goal may spoil their own relationship. For example, trying to draw the attention of the management to her hard work, to get an increase in salary and position, the wife began to stay late at work, and the husband began to perceive this as a possible threat of an intimate relationship between his wife and her boss, perceived it as “success through bed”. Or, say, the desire of a husband for the common good "to be friends with the right people" began to be perceived by the wife as something that the husband simply gets drunk. The husband's desire to learn English for direct negotiations with foreign partners may be perceived by his wife that he is having an affair with a girl who is a language teacher, or he wants to find himself a foreign lover, etc. The request to the husband to buy another car for the family is motivated by the wife to increase his own business success, and the husband immediately sees in this signs of treason. All these are reasons for serious family conflicts.

I am sure that this list of possible family problems, derived from the fact that the spouses either do not have the same ideas about goals in life and the way of success, or they do not have these goals at all, finds you full understanding.

"Shared goals".

I'll start by upsetting women. Creating a family, having children - goals that are so important for every woman, for men - are not at all the most important goals in life! If you tell a girl that she will have a family and a child in her life, she will be happy and think that she has not lived in vain. If you tell a man that he came into this world to get married and have children, he will immediately fall into depression, get drunk and may commit suicide. Because for him all this is pure "biology", in fact - animal existence! Comparable to the statement that a person comes into this world only to eat, drink, have sex and relieve their natural needs. Mortal anguish and boringness.

The reason for such different views of men and women on the goals of life goes back to the history of human evolution; a separate book can be devoted to it. Without going into details, I will note: Currently, it's all about the differences in the upbringing of boys and girls. Since childhood, the girl has been playing with the family, feeding, rocking and putting her dolls to bed, for ten years in a row she has been preparing to be a mother and wife. At the same time, the boy plays anything but his family: soldiers, cars, war, a scout, an astronaut, a king, a bandit and a policeman, Indians and pathfinders, Germans and Russians, fights for leadership in the yard or classroom, reading books, fighting in the virtual space of a computer, etc. etc. Family, as you know, in the mind of a boy, up to 23-25 years old, does not even smell! Meanwhile, by this time, the girl's consciousness, in this regard, is already boiling …

Hence, a very serious reason for family chills and divorces looms. A family arises, a child is born in it. The woman is happy: she is thereby approaching the realization of her innermost goals. And the woman does not understand why her husband, instead of jumping for joy, devote all his free time to his family, enthusiastically washing diapers (etc.), walks sour and strives to stay at work. Yes, the whole point is that for a man, all this bogging down in the family and children is a clear distance from the achievement of his male goals in life. This is one of the serious reasons for the disorder of family happiness, if there were no common goals in a given family, until a certain point in time the main goal was only a woman's goal - family and children. As soon as the family was created and the child was born, the tasks connecting a man and a woman at this stage were achieved, implemented.

If by this time the family already has an apartment and a car, from a formal point of view, the woman is especially happy: her life has not been lived in vain. But the man's, in this case - in vain. That is why, most of the divorces do not occur at all when the husband and wife do not have an apartment and a car, they do not yet have children, but just, exactly then, they already have property and a child. In this case, spouses often want to say to each other, sacramental: “Thank you all! Goodbye everyone!"

Of course, men love their wives and children! But they love them more theoretically, so that they are in principle. But to live by them and only by them they (for the most part) will never be! This is not why Mother Nature created them in the process of evolution. Women are born to carry on with life. Men - to protect her, change her rules and, if possible, improve her. For this, it is also cruel to compete with each other.

So, what are the goals in life for a normal man?

I will try to describe them, while illustrating how a woman can fit into them.

The main goals of normal men in life:

1. Career. Men who strive for career growth in organizations that do not belong to them (federal, regional, municipal budgetary institutions, business corporations, politics, law enforcement systems, etc.) happily marry colleagues at work. This approach allows them to get additional levers of influence and information in the service, helps them to "be in the subject" all the time, increases the speed of reaction to various circumstances in life. In the end, it allows you to recreate the atmosphere of work without leaving your home (which is especially typical for civil servants, doctors, teachers, etc.). In this case, a high social status, influence, career of all family members can become a common family goal. Or one spouse who is strategically important in the family.

2. Business. Men who strive to create their own business, become a businessman. Such men need a woman who will not only morally support them in this risky venture, but will also be able to perform certain functions (accountant, economist, lawyer, deputy, manager, etc.). In this case, a common goal can be big money and great opportunities for all family members, or a spouse, often - changing the region or country of residence.

Men from this group also happily marry women careerists from group 1.

Officers and representatives of heroic professions. Officers of special services, law enforcement agencies, army and navy, sailors, pilots, geologists, drillers and cosmonauts. All those who risk their lives, who are regularly promoted. At the same time, sending them on business trips, resettling them to the most diverse corners of our once immense homeland, forcing them to settle down and create a warm family comfort in the wildest places. Such men vitally need real "wives of the Decembrists" who will follow them even to the ends of the world, will endure their eternal absence from home, big men's campaigns, and their passion for alcohol. Here, the general goal may be either moral support for the husband in accomplishing the feat, or a comfortable life, with everything that is included in this concept: cutlets on Wednesdays, roasts on weekends, pies on holidays, etc. etc. However, some of the men from this group behave like men from group No. 4. Accordingly, their goals may be similar.

Commoners. These men are not careerists at all, they do not strive to earn big money. They just live, they hate working days and feel good only in a sofa-garage-country-house fishing position, preferably with fresh beer. Their goal in life is to spend the weekend comfortably (friends, sofa, TV, summer cottage, fishing, hunting, garage, handwork, barbecue, sometimes sports, etc.) without much effort. Such men need women who are favorable for their "cultural activities on weekends." Desirable, without craving for knowledge, education, administrative responsibility. Not very successful in life themselves, therefore, they are not very demanding of their own husbands. Unless they will whack with a rolling pin a couple of times if the husband goes on a spree.

Common men, according to the star roles of Nikulin, Vitsin and Morgunov, are often called in life a "coward", "dunce" and "experienced". Very accurately noticed. Personally, I define them as "boobies". Often they are quiet gray alcoholics, always in problems at work, scandals in the family, some ridiculous betrayals. This category of “common men” has one goal in life: to have a quiet drink with friends. Working and hunting, in this case, is just an excuse to run away from home and grab a glass …

Representatives of creative professions. Creative men of various modifications: scientists, engineers, inventors, composers, poets, writers, journalists, painters, dancers, theatergoers, directors, actors, artists, public figures, etc. etc. Women who live next to him should do one thing: sacrifice themselves to such men, admire them, create ideal conditions for them to reveal their talents. The common goal in this case is the public recognition of these men by the world, the conquest of this world. With the subsequent receipt of awards, prizes, patents, moving to the capital, purchasing pretentious housing, etc.

Informals. Informal men of various categories: punks, metalheads, rockers, hippies, hip-hoppers, role-playing, reenactors, tolkienists, goths, emo, makeup stylists, sports fans, just niggas, etc. etc. (They are often joined by men with frank mental disorders of varying severity). Specific men of this type will certainly find girls with a similar specific inner world. They are happy to communicate with them, and then, it happens, they get married. The general goal in this case may be to oppose oneself to the rest of the correct-philistine world.

Crime and life-burners. Male adventurers, bandits, scammers, representatives of the "golden youth" who grew up on the big money of dad and mom. All these people are united by the fact that they need a bright VIP accompaniment, their usually short life. They need those specific about criminal women who would keep them company for a beautiful life. We must pay tribute to the female sex - such among them are really not translated … Here the common goal of the family may be the desire to live beautifully at the expense of others.

Appendix 1: Exactly the same personality types are found among women.

Appendix 2: In fact, there are many more options for male goals. In this case, only the most basic ones are listed. Sometimes, a man may not have any clear goals at all, live in one day. Then he is closer to the group No. 4 "Commoners", or to the group No. 7 "Crime and the burners of life." In addition, these targets were identified with what is called, in large, large strokes. In reality, they disintegrate into smaller, specific attitudes. Something like: becoming a boss or deputy, mayor or deputy, general or colonel, director or founder, best hunter or scooter driver, great writer or expensive architect, great doctor or crime boss, owner of a Porsche or a nightclub, famous scientist or a traveler, the threat of all the crooks in the area, or the best driller, a popular rock singer or a bohemian artist. Etc. etc. But, even from the list made, where the purely female goal “to live your whole life as a family happily ever after,” does not sound in any way, it is obvious: Men and women live in the same world, but they come to it with completely different goals.

At the same time, as a pure practitioner, I responsibly declare the following:

Five postulates about life goals that matter for family relationships:

Postulate 1. A man will never accept for himself the life goals of a woman, unless they coincide with his own.

Postulate 2. Accordingly, it makes no sense for a woman to waste her time, strength and nerves in order to reprogram for herself and her goals in the life of her husband. Even if her goals are absolutely correct, realizable and useful for all family members. A man will never accept a woman's life goals for himself, unless they coincide with his own.

Postulate 3. A woman has only four options for family behavior:

• - Or you need to immediately marry the man with whom the goals in life coincide;
• - Or you need to fully accept and share the goals of life that your husband has, “harness yourself into one carriage of life”;
• - Either long and patiently create new, common goals in life with your husband;
• - Or to part with a man, since this communication and family life will not end with anything good.

Postulate 4. Many modern girls and women, brought up (by parents, school or life itself) as men, can easily share these male goals, for the simple reason that they are exactly the same for them! With the only addition: I still want to get married, and children too …

Postulate 5. In order for a woman to either successfully adapt to her husband's goals in her husband's life, or understand their compatibility with her own, she needs to do four things:

• - to understand that men are not women;
• - understand your own goals in life;
• - to understand the goals in the husband's life;
• - if the goals in life are not clear to the husband himself, try to help him and formulate them together. (This is also not uncommon!).

So what to do?

Hence, I say to all my readers, women and men: “If you want your family to be strong and happy, you must soberly understand: the family itself is not an end in itself. In this case, as soon as it is created and children are born, it is achieved. And in the very fact that it has already been created, the family will not go far. Alas. Just as she will not go far for such purposes as buying apartments, cars and summer cottages. After all, these goals, one day, will also be achieved … Children will grow up and graduate from school too. So, one day, such a family will get into the usual statistics of family psychologists, where 8 out of 10 married couples get divorced in 15 years of family life. This is because they did not have that unifying strategic goal that would be a guiding star, a general direction in the life of two.

I often hear this argument: “Even in the animal kingdom, males and females can form long-term pairs. But there, too, everything is built only on the reproductive function! So, husband and wife, can and should live, only for the sake of the family and children … . Alas, I will upset those who think so. The fact is that among animals, long-term mating pairs exist only in those species where there is a deficit of representatives of the opposite sex, and the sexual relations themselves are seasonal. Simply put, only in those species where, when the time for mating comes … the necessary partner may not be nearby! And while he (her) was running and looking, sang invitingly or howled, you see … and the whole mating period was over! So wait now until next year … In the same species of animals, where there is a herd system and a huge selection of representatives of the opposite sex that are constantly at hand, all strong family ties immediately end. A regular change of partners begins. And then there are no families at all: there is only seasonal mating with whom you have to …

So the human family has existed for thousands of years in conditions of a severe shortage of grooms and brides: in small villages, or where all the girls lived in families locked up and in veils). Plus, in order to survive, it was necessary to give birth to as many working hands as possible - that is, children. In these conditions, there was no choice of partners, plus the goal was still the same - to give birth to as many children as possible so that they could support elderly parents in old age. Now, in big cities, sex and marriage partners are invisible. Taking into account the pension, you can have just one child, and it's not a fact that married …

Therefore, I tell you what I understood in my work:

The main secret of modern happy marriage is

in creating a couple of such a situation where it is impossible to easily

replace one woman with another, one man for another.

Moreover, this impossibility itself lies not in being so jealous of a partner that he could not get to know someone else, but in the fact that the spouses are so companions-in-arms to each other in achieving goals in life that it is so simple, there is no other you will find.

⇓ Look at the situation through the eyes of a modern man: Let's say it's time for a man to get married. He has an education, a job (though not a director yet), an apartment (even if it is on a mortgage), a car (albeit an inexpensive one). How can he choose a wife for himself if there are a lot of girls around who want to get married ?! Many - beautiful, smart, sexy, educated, successful, economic, and want children. Because they are all so the same - they are easily interchangeable! If the presentation is lost (after the birth of the child), one can easily be exchanged for another, more recent one. And she will give birth to a child too. And if it is smarter, she will even give birth to two or three. The question is, what will such a modern family be supported by? That's right: only on the common goals of the spouses in life, on their common ideas about how they should live. In this case, although you can pick up several similar options, the likelihood of a complete replacement of the wife / husband will already be very small. So, regardless of whether I convinced you or not, know:

Without common goals in life, the family is a “headless horseman”.

Remark

When I am asked what the goal of life is and how to go to it, I always say that in fact, the goal of life is not an external thing, but a purely internal one. For me, the purpose of life is where the lantern on a person's forehead shines when he walks in the dark. Life is an utter darkness, in which, sometimes, you cannot see even a step ahead, but around the pit, and bumps. But, the lantern is shining, and you know exactly where you step with your foot. The flashlight itself is not a target. But, he is an instrument of your correct movement in life. Here, for example, is the post of governor or director. This is a serious life goal for many. But, is it external? Is this just an armchair and a certain attitude of those around you? For me, this is a form of a person's assessment of himself. If a person believes that he is worthy of these high positions, he aspires to them. It turns out that goals in life, whatever they are, are still within ourselves, in our consciousness. In fact, this is what distinguishes us from animals: their goals are always only external - to see something, eat and drink.

Let's be human, let's have goals in life. Moreover, the goal to save the family should also be on this list. Moreover, not in the last place!