Psychological Abuse: The Enemy That Is Not Visible

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The woman asks, they say, what kind of training to go through to learn how to get along with her husband. Learning to get along meant "so that he doesn't call me a fat cow anymore."

I didn't want to write this text. I started and put it off. The topic is heavy, people do not want to spoil the mood. But the other day I received a letter from my reader, and - no options. I decided to write all the same.

In the letter, the woman asks, they say, what kind of training should she go through in order to learn how to get along with her husband. I already put my hands on the keyboard and almost started typing, but then I read on and was stunned in the most natural way.

Learning to get along meant "so he wouldn't call me a fat cow anymore."

Do you understand, yes?

Of course, I replied that no training would help here, no book would be useful, no psychotherapist would suggest. Yes, of course, it may be that the husband's behavior is caused by some previous behavior of his wife, yes, it may very well be. But even so, this is not a reason to dissolve the tongue.

We must remember once and for all, to each and every one - violence in marriage and family is unacceptable.

The main, one might say, the basic value of both marriage and family is security. Marriage and family is a warm den where you can lie down and no one will bite you. If in marriage and even more so in the family you can be bitten - this is so bad that atas

But if with physical violence everything is more or less clear - the boys were told in kindergarten that it is not good to beat girls, and Zygmantovich tells the girls that throwing slippers at men is also physical violence (although the girls do not immediately agree, the fact does not change - women also willingly beat men).

But with psychological violence…. They don't notice him. Well, the truth is, what's wrong with yelling at your wife "Shut up!" Is this violence? It's just such a request.

Well, really, to tell your husband that he is a mediocre - is this violence? This is just a statement of a medical fact.

People often simply do not notice psychological violence - either they are used to it, or they are not aware of it. Not the point.

The main thing is that they don't notice violence and live in it. And violence, as we remember, kills marriage and family. That is, people do not notice the violence and do not understand that they are living in hell

I will not now make a classification of psychological violence, not a place and not a time. And there is no such goal, not a monograph after all.

Here are the four most common forms of psychological abuse. But first I would like to note that both men and women are equally addicted to psychological violence. Both women and men.

Feminists and chauvinists - grieve. All are smeared the same way.

Now - manifestations.

1. Rejection - “I don’t need you”, “I don’t want you”, “get out of my life”, “with anyone, but not with you.”

2. Devaluation of the contribution to marriage and family - "you are useless", "you sit at home and do nothing", "you are of no use."

3. Insults / humiliation - "you have crooked hands", "you have a fat ass", "you are stupid", "you are an idiot", "you are impotent", "you are frigid."

4. Reproaches - “everything is always wrong with you”, “here is my dad…. and you can’t do that either”,“you have delicious borscht - almost like my mother’s.”

It is easy to see that they sometimes overlap and it is not always possible to clearly distinguish between the insults and the devaluation of the contribution.

It is not always possible and always not necessary.

What is the difference, what kind of manifestation of psychological abuse you faced? It is absolutely unimportant.

What matters is that the security of marriage and family has just been destroyed. And that means - and they themselves. Where there is violence (albeit psychological), there is no marriage or family.

What to do when violence happens?

First of all, run. Yes, it is possible that you provoked your partner, who in turn provoked you. Yes, perhaps it is an endless circulation that has been spinning for many years. But even in this case, one must run.

There is no need to cherish the hope that everything will change, the partner by himself will magically see that he was wrong, change his mind and correct himself. We must run

Then, when you catch your breath, you can analyze who started there first and who took revenge on whom. Then. And before that, you need to get out of the current situation and protect yourself from violence

Once again, when you find yourself in a situation of psychological abuse, immediately do your feet. This applies in general to any situation with violence, so the rule is universal.

We made our legs, protected ourselves - figure it out. Carefully, carefully, carefully. With a psychotherapist, at trainings, on your own, from books - it doesn't matter. Choose your path, whichever you like best.

But first - flight (that is, a complete cessation of contact with the rapist, even through mail or telephone), and only then work to change the situation.

This does not mean that you will never see the rapist again - perhaps in a day or a year you will be able to talk to him so that he will not be able to rape you psychologically (I repeat - both men and women are addicted to psychological violence, and if I say here "He", it is not about the sex of the rapist).

And one more thing - the article deals with situations of violence. I repeat - violence. Not about the common problems that arise in any couple. We are talking about violence, about the behavior of a partner that hurts over and over again.

If it seems to you that you do not need to get out of such a relationship, but you need to "solve the problem", something is wrong with you. You will also suggest that the girl who is going to be raped not to run away, but to “solve the problem”.

The universal rule, let me remind you, is that one must escape from a situation of violence. Since the situation has reached the point of violence, all means have already been exhausted.

So - first run away (get out of a situation of violence if you don't like the verb "run away"), and then decide. Only in this order. And nothing else.

And I have everything, thank you for your attention.