2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Learning to hear "no" in a relationship is a real feat. Especially if this word is pronounced by a loved one. "No, I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now." "No, I don't want children now." How to learn to hear "no" while preserving both yourself and your relationship.
Popular articles and trainings teach us how to say no. And if you look behind the other side - what is it like to hear “no” in your address?”Especially if this word is pronounced by a loved one.
"No, I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now."
"No, I don't want children now."
"No, I don't want to celebrate your birthday with your family."
"No, I don't want sex now."
"No, I cannot give up my career in order to sit with our child."
"No, I don't want to go to the cinema now, I want to be at home."
Various refusals. Different "no" in their weight category. Those that determine your plans for the evening and those that can determine the future of your relationship.
How do you feel when you hear a refusal?
Resentment, anger, pain, feelings of rejection, loneliness, disappointment, loss of self-importance?
How to learn to hear "no" while preserving both yourself and your relationship.
1) Examine your expectations for each other. How realistic are they and are they related to this particular person?
2) "No" on which topic hurts you the most? Shared leisure, plans, sex, money? This will reveal an important need that is most often frustrated. For example, “I don’t want to watch this movie with you” is easier for you than “I don’t want to have sex now”.
3) Super-important point - what do you hear when a loved one says "no" to you? Think about the most recent rejection in your relationship. Replay the situation in your mind. If you could "translate" the word "no" into your language, what words would you hear?
For example, the phrase “I don’t want children now” can mean like “I don’t want children with you”, “I don’t see our joint future”, “you will turn out to be a bad father (bad mother)”. Refusal hurts so badly because you put your meaning into it. And you do not react to a specific person, but to voices within you. In individual consultations, this is usually very clearly visible.
4) Clarify with your partner what he meant. Be prepared to hear his truth, his condition. It may turn out that "I do not want sex now" does not mean "you do not attract me as a man (woman)", but, for example, "I want to rest." Start looking for this difference, and you will definitely find it.
5) The final step is dialogue. There is my need, my expectations. And there is something that is important to you. The time to meet the differences is a difficult place. A place where it is impossible to lie to yourself or to another. If you manage to do without it, the relationship will lose its value.
Learning to hear "no" in a relationship is a real feat. “I don’t want to…” can be so discouraging that it turns into “I don’t love you” in a split second. It's amazing how powerfully the risk of rejection distorts the meaning of what you hear! But "no" is just a signal of our differences. Those unsolved "cracks" that we once fell in love with.
"No" frees one from illusion and invites the couple into reality. What is closer to you? Sweet lies and dubious fairy tale from the series "we never quarrel" or living relationships, with their risk and unpredictability?
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