External Conflict - Internal Conflict

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

It makes sense to talk about fake relationships when we begin to play roles that are unusual for ourselves, pretending to be comfortable and good. Behind the mask of humility and meekness hides the fear of facing the dissimilarity of each other. We focus on the partner by holding onto it. Differences are perceived as a threat to feelings

"We are too different" - often, this is how they explain the reason for parting.

And what then is the essence of love? Falling in love with your reflection? To, like Narcissus, disappear, admiring him?

We are different. So much so that sometimes we even wonder what could bring us together. Something invisible, understandable to only two. Our connection becomes stronger the more diverse the common experience from which the architecture of feelings crystallizes. And thanks to the contradictions that teach us to be patient and forgiving.

The problem of misunderstanding is not even that we refuse to share the opinion of another person, holding a stranglehold on our own. The problem is that we ourselves deny our real ourselves, clinging to the ideal self. We are in conflict with a distorted picture of ourselves. Our dark sides deny their own existence, distorting the whole vision. Our inner observer clearly monitors the observance of parental patterns, social prescriptions, all those "must" that we hear from childhood to this day. This is our conscience, which is always near, but which is far from our true manifestations and the natural energy of life.

Conscience is a powerful social regulator and, of course, is needed in certain life situations. But, like any automated mechanism, it works clumsy and evaluates all our actions according to the well-known template: good or bad. Moreover, if it is good, then it is not good for us, but socially approved by society. And bad is not what is bad for us, but what others cannot withstand in us. Not going to work on Sunday is bad if the whole team agreed to work for the benefit of your native enterprise, and you suddenly decided to fight off the team.

The best thing to do here for yourself is to treat the inner observer as an outsider, whose opinion can be listened to, but not necessarily followed.

It takes a lot of courage and audacity to look inside and highlight the personal unresolved issues of development, to retrieve the suitcases of fear and guilt. Take back the right to individuality.

If we are scared, but we refuse to present our fear to another, we need to mask it. Under aggression, resentment, irritation. We protest, demand and blame. The true meaning of our behavior is hidden from the partner, on the surface there is only a protective layer. It is as if we came to the doctor with a complaint of heart pain, but did not confess, but complained of a headache. All prescribed treatment will be ineffective, and the doctor will turn out to be a charlatan, since he did not understand us, did not guess, did not help. Could he help?

“Something is wrong in a relationship” often means that we have decided to work with something that is in the partner's zone of control. If we do not get what we want in marriage, then this means that there is little sincerity in our actions towards ourselves.

More often than not, the reason for misunderstanding is not that the partner is bad, but that one's own internal conflict requires a way out. Therefore, here it is not necessary to be offended by a partner, but to deal with oneself.

This is a dirty job. It is impossible to make a quantum leap to where everything is good at once. To see the light, you have to go through the darkness. It's tiresome, slow, tedious. Sometimes it seems that it would be better if we did not clear these Augean stables. It will take many trips to your shadows to transform and dance with them.

By not recognizing ourselves, we intensify the split in the personality, making the manifestations of the shadow more aggressive. I have met such people: their sudden manifestations of essence were simply thrown into a stupor by their inadequacy to the external social image.

How to stop faking yourself?

First, separate the symptom from the disease.

If necessary, distance yourself from what is happening, retire and investigate the cause of your own reaction.

In case of controversy, you should refrain from reacting reactively and ask yourself why what the partner says or does offend me. What personal unresolved issues are lurking behind my impulsive response? How in this situation can I support myself without clinging to my partner?

Our reaction to what is happening is just a symptom, which in itself can neither be good nor bad. It simply indicates that there are unresolved problems and unmet needs within. By getting rid of a symptom, we do not solve the problem, but only exacerbate it.

Second: get to know yourself.

Get to know yourself exactly. What are you entitled to? What should be done about you? What kind of person are you without an inner observer?

Honestly, no cuts. What kind of friend, colleague, partner, child, etc. I am. Curb your perfectionism and allow yourself to be “good enough” rather than perfect. Be specific about what is acceptable to you and what is not. What are you willing to accept in yourself unconditionally, despite the opinion of your inner observer?

It is important to consider that you have to pay for such “insolence”. The price is high - growing up quickly and refusing to look for oneself in the eyes of others.

If I admit that I am lazy, then I do not take any further action on this matter. I openly declare this and no longer take offense when they call me a lazy person. I honestly expect a feedback from my partner, realizing that he has the right to decide what he will do with this. I remain calm and able to see what is really happening without personal interpretation.

Don't take your partner's reaction personally. His reaction is also conditioned by his personal intrapsychic space and the experience of self-knowledge. Taking his reaction at face value, we form our idea of ourselves through allegories. If we take what has been said personally, then it is worthwhile to figure out what kind of personal guilt we feel in connection with this issue. What do we plan to do about this?

Relationships are about identifying who we are.

If before the relationship we were not a whole person, then the partner will not add integrity. Rather, it will indicate that we have internal problems.

Decide what you will do with what you consider to be unacceptable. Develop clear guidelines in case an unwanted quality reappears. Agree with an internal observer, turning him into your assistant, not a harsh critic.

Third, learn to hold on to yourself.

This means having the ability to comfort yourself, take care of yourself, and determine a safe distance in your relationships with people. This is the maintenance of non-identity with their fears and shame, openly withstanding the blows of others in their address, in the direction of their desires, values. Recognition of one's own wrongness, imperfection, vulnerability.

Holding on to yourself is the ability to withstand rejection. Our desires are our feelings plus intentions, and from what the partner answers us, they should not change. Choose yourself first, since in this case we focus on ourselves, and not on what the partner is doing. Whatever he does and no matter how he reacts, holding on to himself, we reduce our dependence on the other. This is personal differentiation and own position.

Look for new solutions to problems that have arisen. The essence of the development and growth of relationships is not in carefully cleaning them from negative emotions, but in increasing their capacity, in the ability to transform complex experiences and live mutual differences.

Listen to yourself. Take the misunderstandings that have arisen not as a partner's problem, but as a white spot of your own psyche that needs clarification.

Your reaction is a result of your inner attitude.

Intimacy in a relationship means full disclosure of your Self, without distortion, with the ability to express your feelings.

Counterfeits are cheap, individuality is priceless.

"Be yourself - all other roles are already taken."

O. Wald