How To Remove Dependence On External (social) Assessment

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

If you are a social phobia, neurotic, or just a person who depends on the opinions of others - this method is for you. True, it is for you if you really want to change something in your life.

How can you even understand that you have any dependence on the opinions of others?

You are scared to speak your mind / speak in front of an audience

Are you afraid of offending other people

To make a decision, you need to consult

You avoid open conflicts

You calculate the reaction of others to your words and your behavior.

Difficulty delegating authority

You find it difficult to maintain relationships, especially long-term ones.

You easily allow "to sit on your neck"

It's hard for you to refuse

It's hard for you to ask for anything

It's hard for you to insist on your own

You suffer from criticism if it sounds from someone

This is not a complete list, but I think the general leitmotif is clear. What does the above picture mean?

Such a picture is a habit of thinking about others MORE than ABOUT YOURSELF.

Where does all this "happiness" come from? This is obvious enough. All this baggage you carry from your past life. From childhood, youth, simply, from the past. All the described behavioral strategies always run into certain ogres (limiting beliefs) that you picked up while following your life path. Some of the ogres have been instilled in you. Some of them were driven into the head consistently and persistently. Some were burned into the brain with the hot iron of the will of people who were older and stronger than you. But!

Dependence on the opinions of others is not fate or karma. It is a habit. And it can be changed

What to do to reduce dependence on external evaluation

Step 1. Summarize the opinions / assessments of others every time you realize that these phenomena are directed in your direction.

Here are some examples.

Your mom tells you that you shouldn't spend money on a car (apartment / business, etc.), because you drive too badly (apartments are getting cheaper, it's too risky time to start a business, etc.). At your counterarguments, she begins to raise her voice, swear with you, takes offense, slams the door and leaves (leaves) to her place.

Summary: Mom wants to convince me in any way possible that I do not need to invest in …

Please note that it is important to follow these principles in such a resume:

A) bring everything into one sentence

B) exclude emotions from the resume as a class

C) answer 3 questions. Who is doing? What is he doing? How does?

Another example.

Your boss has promised to send you another vacation in mid-October. But earlier this month, he fired two employees. And now he told you that he could not send you on vacation this month. To your objection that you have already planned your vacation, the boss answered you irritably that there is a crisis in the country now and employees need to hold on to their place. He also said that everything had already been decided. And he has no time to listen to complaints, he needs to take care of the company.

Summary: The boss canceled the promised vacation using emotional pressure.

Your partner gave you the following text. Do you understand me. You only think about yourself and your pleasure. You don't think about your family. About me. You are an ordinary egoist. Who sits and ignores the real needs of loved ones. You are not taking the initiative. You are not suggesting vacation options. You are not interested in my life. Don't be the first to ask how my day went. I always do that. And I'm already tired of waiting for something to change in our relationship. I'm over it!

Summary: my partner has voiced a set of their needs that I am not implementing.

Step 2. Link the opinion of others to the need that motivates their behavior

Let's take the above examples.

Example 1. Power. Safety.

Example 2. Power. Wealth. Comfort.

Example 3. Power. Confession. OK. Attention. Understanding. Communication.

Pay attention to the following points:

A) The needs of another person should be assessed not from the direct text of his message, but based on the summary that you did in the first step.

B) If the need is not traced in the text itself, ask yourself the following question - “what benefit will the person get if I do what he wants / offers / insists?”.

C) any admonitions, admonitions, criticism, advice, by definition, imply a desire to influence you. That is, to rule over you. It `s naturally.

What will you get in the end

You get a choice. Open and obvious. Between the specific true motives of the other person and your own. Having such a choice is sobering. And it starts to change your behavior.

If doing this on a regular basis does not reduce your addiction, then you need outside help. That is, you are either distinguished for your behavior, or you will conduct a full-fledged field diagnosis.

Good luck with that.