2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
In contrast to the fear of rejection, which is based on a sense of shame for the felt needs and personal characteristics, the fear of being abandoned much deeper resembles the panic horror of the state of forgetfulness, non-existence.
How to understand if a person has this fear? What are the reasons for its occurrence? How to deal with it?
In general, the origins of this condition should be sought in early childhood, before the age of one year. For example, a small child abandoned by parents to grandparents (this is a basic undermining of security), a high level of anxiety of the mother for the fetus even at the stage of pregnancy (in this case, the child inside the womb and during the first year of life is acutely aware of the mother's condition), serious injury, surgery, hospitalization after birth, any threat to life, coupled with a panic feeling of fear of being abandoned or being left alone. In psychology, the condition is called the "trauma of abandonment" or "trauma of abandonment" (James Hollis).
Like any feeling, this fear has a continuum from mild anxiety, which every person has to a greater or lesser extent (for example, fear of spiders, darkness, meeting a tiger, etc.), to the strongest unbearable horror (a person has various dissociative feelings - I do not exist, I leave my body and observe myself from the outside), up to the traumatic state of affect. Directly the depth of the trauma will directly depend on how early the person was abandoned in childhood, who left, whether there were resources to cope with the anxiety state.
What adult personalities may be afraid of being abandoned? These are people who do not have basic trust in the world, others, even themselves. They constantly expect a trick from their partner, they are afraid that they will be turned away from them and abandoned, therefore they try to control the situation, including the behavior of the partner. The relationship with such a person is quite complicated. The general psychological state of an anxious personality is unstable and painful - the absence of relationships entails a feeling of non-existence, the loss of oneself, and being in a relationship, a person constantly experiences fear of being abandoned again. In addition, during the period of time while a person was trying to cope with the grief of loneliness on his own, he learned to live alone and rely only on himself. Accordingly, it will be quite difficult to trust the world and the people around the anxious personality.
In these moments, the problem is very similar to the fear of rejection. As a rule, a person independently finds situations that reproduce a previously experienced trauma, unconsciously seeks to be abandoned, or finds an unstable personality in a relationship (with such fear or devaluation).
What should a person with such an injury do?
- To realize the presence of the trauma of abandonment, to accept it - regardless of the desire of the individual, it exists and will not disappear anywhere, and from time to time a person will fall under the influence of the experienced mental shock.
- Make a decision that he will not be influenced by the fear of being abandoned.
- Believe in yourself (each person is interesting in his own way and worthy of love and attention); to understand that in life there will definitely be a person who is ready to appreciate and come to terms with all the peculiarities of his partner's character.
- Learn to track situations that indicate that a person is falling into the funnel of trauma, and try to stop them with an effort of will.
- Learn to manage your fears, get taller, develop self-confidence (for example, “No, they won't leave me. This situation is completely different from my childhood trauma. I am now an adult, I know that my partner loves me”).
- study the moments of their unconscious behavior aimed at making the partner turn away (this will allow a detailed analysis of the current situation).
- Surround yourself with people you can trust. They must become an external resource for support. It is imperative to get feedback from them.
- Learn to open up to people, but be very attentive and carefully select interlocutors for frank conversations.
- Come up with phrases for yourself that will have a calming effect.
- Write them down and use them as a mantra, for example, “I will never let this be done to me again. I will live better because I am worthy of love and acceptance! This time everything will be fine."
Is it possible to deal with this injury on my own? What difficulties can there be?
First of all, it is rather difficult to identify the very fact of the presence of such an injury (for example, there is no one to ask). As for the trauma received inside the mother's womb, it is doubly difficult here - the mother may not tell about her fears and experienced anxieties. In addition, it will be difficult for a person who has experienced feelings of abandonment to trust themselves and those around them, to realize that they can really love her, to accept themselves with all their shortcomings. If a person does not trust his own feelings, he will not be able to understand the trauma funnel and understand at what stage traumatic experiences are triggered; it will also be difficult to get rid of internal anxiety.
What approaches and techniques can still help? Various body-oriented techniques, trainings, seminars. It is recommended to contact a psychotherapist after attending each training session to discuss the experience gained (on average 2-4 sessions).
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