Devalued Person

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

People who, in childhood, had a lot and often had to deal with devaluation from their parents, in adulthood are forced to find themselves in situations where their value, as partners, specialists, as people with equal rights to others, is questioned or threatened.

And those who heard constant reproaches from adults, endured rudeness, were always guilty, bad and beaten. And those who were loved, but only if … he was always beautiful, smart, useful, efficient, convenient, the most, and so on. That is, they loved on condition.

In these cases, the little person did not receive very important knowledge, which forms not only a sense of security, but also self-esteem and adequate self-esteem. Knowledge that “I am good already by what I am. They love me simply because they were born. And as I am, I am valuable."

Of course, every adult knows that not everything in this world is for him and not everyone is obliged to treat him well, love and respect him. But knowing about oneself as a priori valuable (in childhood for parents, and later, thanks to this, for oneself) person is just that support that allows you to choose people who are able to value and love as partners and close circle. Helps to distinguish and reject bad, inappropriate attitudes towards oneself. Avoid injustice and violence against you. Have the right to ask for and receive help and support.

Violence is intertwined in both ways of upbringing (from those described above) - moral (without the use of physical force) and physical. Sometimes, when I first say the word “violence” in therapy, I come across surprise and some rejection - both among those who were systematically beaten and among people whose upbringing was mainly psychological violence. I think that for our mentality, cruelty is such a widespread form of communication with loved ones, especially among those who were born before the collapse of the USSR, that many are perceived as the norm. And there are actually very, very few people who are fortunate enough to grow up in a truly respectful, supportive and loving environment.

What's wrong with violence? After all, everyone knows that this is not good. In addition to inhibiting the development of basic safety in the child, any violence does not take into account the feelings of the victim. When parents systematically beat, reject or mock a child, it does not matter to them that he is scared, painful, lonely at these moments and, due to his age, cannot cope with such a level of stress on his own. When parents expect or demand that he will: study only for grades, do not cry like a rag, behave normally, do not interfere, or become a star of a ballet school - they do not care that he has a lot of his feelings and needs for which he received ban. And how to cope with it - he, again, does not know. This is "not important" - this is not the ability or desire of an adult to see and reckon with a real little person, and there is devaluation.

The difficulty of such people in relationships is often associated with the fact that it is difficult for them to distinguish between a bad attitude and a good one. It is difficult to have your point of view and defend it. Imagine that you can not endure when it is bad, but go for help to other people. The widespread shame associated with referring to a psychologist is from the same place. Even daring to rebel and defend his right, a person often encounters a huge amount of direct and indirect aggression against him from the environment. This is how the system works. A family, a worker, a friendly and any other collective is a system in which a devalued person, like everyone else, takes his place, plays his role. And when he pretends to change a situation that does not satisfy him, this potentially threatens the preservation of homeostasis of the system in which he is located.

Why is it important to know? People unsure of their own right to be heard and noticed will face more resistance than those who have a history of having a lot of support. And this must be accepted. Finding your value in psychotherapy is a laborious process. From under the rubble of other people's attitudes, you need to pull to the surface your feelings that were once rejected by loved ones, find comfort and learn to be in contact with desires. These shoots sprout very slowly and through efforts, like grass grows through the thickness of asphalt. It takes a lot of support and respect for something that was once denied in life to appear. And the reserve of patience, strength and willingness of the client to withstand partial uncertainty, difficult feelings and remain in therapy is very important.