2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The very idea that someone will go away unpunished after everything they've done is painful. We do not want to keep our hands clean - traces of the blood of the offenders would be fine with us. We want to equalize the score. Forgiveness seems like a betrayal of oneself.
I hate all the clichés about forgiveness that exist. I know every proverb, every advice, every common opinion, because I tried to find answers in the literature. I have read all the blog posts dedicated to the art of letting go of anger.
I wrote out the Buddha quotes and memorized them - and none of them worked. I know that the distance between “choosing to forgive” and truly feeling peaceful can be overwhelming. I know.
Forgiveness is an impenetrable jungle for those of us who yearn for justice. The very idea that someone will go away unpunished after everything they've done is painful. We do not want to keep our hands clean - traces of the blood of the offenders would be fine with us. We want to equalize the score. We want them to experience for themselves what we do.
Forgiveness seems like a betrayal of oneself. You don't want to give up in the battle for justice. Anger burns within you and poisons you with its own poison. You know this, but you still cannot let go of the situation. Anger becomes a part of you - like the heart, brain, or lungs. I know this feeling. I know the feeling when the rage in your blood beats to the beat of your pulse.
But here's the thing to remember about anger: it's an instrumental emotion. We are angry because we want justice. Because we think it will be useful. Because we believe: the angrier we are, the more changes we can make. Anger does not understand that the past is already over and the harm has already been done. He says revenge will fix everything.
Being angry is like constantly picking up a bleeding wound, believing that this way you will save yourself from scarring. It’s as if the person who hurt you will one day come and suture with such incredible precision that not a trace will remain of the cut. The truth about anger is that it is simply not treating it. You are scared, because when the wound heals, you will have to live in new, unfamiliar skin. And you want to return the old one. And anger tells you that it is best to keep the bleeding from stopping.
When everything is boiling in you, forgiveness seems impossible. We would like to forgive because we intellectually understand that this is a healthy choice. We want the calm, the peace that forgiveness offers. We want liberation. We want this seething in the brain to stop, but there is nothing we can do about it.
Because the main thing about forgiveness has never been told to us: it is not going to fix anything. This is not an eraser that will erase everything that happened to you. It will not undo the pain you have lived with, nor will it provide you with instant peace. Finding inner peace is a long, hard journey. Forgiveness is just what keeps you hydrated along the way.
Forgiveness means giving up hope for a different past. That is, the understanding that everything is over, the dust has settled and the destroyed will never be restored to its original form. It is a recognition that no amount of magic can make amends. Yes, the hurricane was unfair, but you still have to live in your ruined city. And no anger will lift him from the ruins. You will have to do it yourself.
Forgiveness means taking personal responsibility - not for destruction, but for restoration. It's a decision to take back your peace of mind.
Forgiveness does not mean that the guilt of your wrongdoers is atonement. It does not mean that you should be friends with them, sympathize with them. You just accept that they left a mark on you and now you have to live with this mark. You will stop waiting for the person who broke you to return everything “as it was”. You will begin to heal wounds regardless of whether scars remain. It's a decision to move on with your scars.
Forgiveness is not a celebration of injustice. It's about creating your own justice, your own karma and destiny. It's about getting back on your feet with the decision not to be unhappy with the past. Forgiveness is understanding that your scars will not shape your future.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you give up. It means that you are ready to gather strength and move on.
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