DIDN'T STROKE? WHY WAS I MARRIED SO EARLY (GOT MARRIED)? REASONS FOR THOUGHTS FOR MEN AND WOMEN IN MARRIAGE

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Didn't walk up? Why did I get married (got married) so early? Real stories (letters):

Peter, 30 years old, St. Petersburg. I have been married for five years. My wife is quite happy with me, I even have very good relations with her parents. My problem, I think, is that over the past two years I have started to earn a lot. I made a good career in the service, became a useful person for many, they began to thank me and I had such an amount of money that now they are not only enough to solve all family matters, but they still remain. We made good repairs at the houses, bought a prestigious car, went to Spain, my wife has a mink coat, we will soon take her car. But most importantly, I began to communicate in a circle to which I had no access before. My new good friends really mean in our city. They constantly take me with them to clubs, closed saunas, we go to elite recreation centers. It amazes me how many there are around beautiful, stylish and sexy girls, I communicate with one or the other and I can't even decide who I like more. The wife, of course, began to scandal and is silent only when I bring the money home. I'm not a fool, and started bringing money home every week. Ira began to scandal less often, and in general, apparently, she realized that it was most correct to keep silent. But the fact is that even this does not suit me! I am no longer satisfied with her appearance, or the way she communicates with me, or how she behaves in bed. Honestly: if we hadn't had a child, I would have left home right now, since I have already invested money in shared construction secretly from my wife. Now she invites me to have a second child, but I don't even know if I need him, or if it's time for me to get a divorce, to walk with something that I didn't walk because I got married much earlier than most of my friends, and then to create a new family, or to give birth to a second child with Irina and still remain in the family? Tell me how to act more correctly and not be mistaken?

Zhanna, 27 years old, Pevek. Hello Andrey. I have been married for three years, before that I had been friends for another five. True, we periodically fought and took breaks in communication. For the last year, I have been struggling with an acute desire to divorce my husband, because I think that I haven’t worked up. I don’t leave simply because in my almost 28 years old, and even with a child, I’m afraid in the end to be left alone. And if I were at least 24-25 now, I would have left without even thinking. The reason is, of course, in me. The thing is that I do not have enough sex in the family. Previously, I didn't need him, I just went to meet Stas's wishes. But for the last two years, after the birth of a child, I somehow woke up and now just come on, come on. But Stas somehow completely withered in this matter, almost does not show initiative. I already tell him with resentment that he completely wrote me off, and he quite seriously says to me: “What kind of sex is there for a young mother? Take care of the child! " In general, I have the feeling that the men around have gone crazy: They think that if you are a young mother, then say to sex "Goodbye!" And our eternal hoarding also pisses me off. Stas is smart, he counts everything, takes loans, all the time something is bought, friends envy us, but there is always no money at home. I once bought good champagne and the first cherry for the third wedding anniversary, so he did not talk to me for two days afterwards. You know, it's a shame: there is no sex, no entertainment. But I'm only 27 years old! Life flies by somewhere. I used to be afraid that I would not marry, now I think what a fool I was, I had to take a walk. Andrey, tell me: what do I need to do with myself or with Stas in order to improve my life?

Let's dwell on this and analyze the email data a little. So, what reasons lead to the fact that men and women suddenly have thoughts that they, allegedly, "are not yet ripe for family life," "have not yet done their own thing," "rushed to start a family, made this step prematurely." The importance of understanding these causes is obvious: knowing the cause of the phenomenon, you can try to eliminate it and thereby solve the problem.

Seven main reasons for the feeling of "premature marriage":

Reason 1. A relatively late physical flowering of a person, a belated increase in self-esteem and a desire to compensate for the lack of one's own appreciation by other people in the past.

For example, a guy became physically strong, stately and handsome only at the age of 25-30, and before that he did not arouse interest in women at all. Or, say, a girl took shape as interesting and beautiful not at 18-20 years old, like most, but, say, at 23-27 years old. Accordingly, her female self-esteem and female self-esteem blossomed only after the beginning of receiving many compliments from men precisely in these same 23-27 years. And since it is pleasant for all of us to feel appreciated, in demand by other people, we always subconsciously or completely consciously strive to increase this feeling of ours, and therefore we diligently eliminate everything that prevents us from being appreciated and in demand. And then it turns out:

The main obstacle to our enjoyment of the feeling of being valued and in demand by members of the opposite sex is usually our status as a married man or a married woman.

Getting any pleasure is almost a drug, it quickly becomes addictive, you want more and more to it. Hence, it is not surprising that again and again wanting to be appreciated by the representatives of the opposite sex, women and men tend to go out into society as often as possible, attend "party" events, and get to know other people. And since husbands and wives usually have a very negative attitude towards this (and this is quite normal - after all, they defend their once won!), This struggle to increase their self-esteem immediately turns into family conflicts.

The desire of one of the spouses to please others, always provokes the jealousy of the partner and family quarrels.

Especially when the second spouse also wants to receive compliments from other people.

And here I want to draw your attention to two nuances that matter. Nuance number 1: Many men and women who complain about their family problems, misunderstanding on the part of the spouse, about their haste in creating a family, and planning to file for divorce, simply do not understand that the real reason for all this is their own behavior and their own desire to please others, associated with low self-esteem in the past.

Simply put, many men and women, complaining about the grumpiness and scandalousness of their "halves", in fact, "knock from a sore head to a healthy one", turn and distort the true situation. Often, their wives and husbands are quite adequate, and their increased criticality is simply associated with jealousy, moreover, with well-founded jealousy, which did not arise out of nowhere. And here nuance # 2 comes into play. The thing is that, in fact:

One of the main reasons for creating families at the age of 18-25 is the low self-esteem of men and women.

For example, a guy is not very popular with girls, it depresses him, and, accordingly, if he then still manages to create a relationship with someone, then they immediately acquire a serious character, the guy is very afraid of losing his girlfriend and getting hit on pride and, as a result, the matter ends in marriage. Or, say, a girl, again, is not particularly popular among men, she finally gets to know her boyfriend, she immediately "takes into circulation" and, as a result, gets married much earlier and more successfully than her more beautiful friends, whose overpriced conceit, in this case, turns out to be directed against themselves.

Here's another option: a not very successful guy with low self-esteem specifically chooses as his wife just such a girl who also has low self-esteem, little love experience, and it is precisely this circumstance, in the opinion of the groom, that should ensure her loyalty and reliability. And girls, at the same time, also specifically look for such insecure single men as their husbands, who, in their opinion, are guaranteed to be reliable husbands who are not inclined to run around other women and nightclubs. And then the situation develops as follows.

Family life always has a very positive effect on men and women who had previously had low self-esteem.

Regular food, regular intimate relationships, regular attention and care of another person, an increase in financial opportunities, which immediately positively affects the wardrobe, the general manner of behaving in life and communication, an increase in general self-confidence, as in a man or in a woman - all this after a year or two, it changes the newlyweds very significantly towards their heyday. Personally, in this regard, I even think so:

Early marriage is a kind of social incubator, where insecure men and women finally mature and begin to understand their worth.

All this is undoubtedly wonderful and an increase in everyday self-confidence in men and women is very beneficial both for themselves and for society as a whole. But, as you probably already understood, this brings certain problems for family life. Indeed, after a year or two or three family life, instead of two spouses who are insecure and therefore holding each other with both hands, a man and a woman, who are gradually blossoming and increasingly liked by themselves and the representatives of the opposite sex, appear under one roof! They begin to be weighed down by each other, quarrel, conflict, jealous, think about the fact that “didn't I create a family too early?”, And eventually come to a simple and logical conclusion: “Why am I going to hold on to this person, which gives me so much trouble ?! In the end, so many people like me … So now I know my worth, I won't let my spouse lower my self-esteem, I can safely go for a divorce, and I will always have time to create a new, more successful family!"

The position of the second side is also interesting. As I said above

For many men and women, one of the main values of their spouses is that they did not give and do not give reasons for jealousy.

That is why they were once chosen for marriage! But now, when this in the past a very reliable "half" is now bathed in the rays of attention from completely strangers and requires an increase in the so-called "personal freedom", many husbands and wives quite coolly come to understand the need for divorce as a deliverance from the "weak link". And their composure is quite understandable: over the years of marriage, they also have increased self-esteem and confidence that they will be able to create a new family, they have as high as an overly presumptuous partner.

As a result, couples where the main reason for the emergence of thoughts about the erroneous premature of creating a family is a later physical maturation and, accordingly, a later growth of self-esteem, I personally subdivide into five following categories:

• - Couples, where over the years of marriage, self-esteem has grown only in one of the spouses, this person has already convinced himself that he started a family too early, but the other “half” still tries to preserve the family and the level of strength of such a family all- still quite large;
• - Couples where, over the years of marriage, self-esteem has grown only in one of the spouses, this person periodically conflicts with his half, but in general is still disposed (a) to preserve the family;
• - Couples where, over the years of marriage, self-esteem has grown in both spouses at once, but the spouses turned out to be smart enough so that this did not become a problem for their family life. Such couples are an example to follow.
• - Couples, where over the years of marriage, self-esteem has grown in both spouses at once, and the husband and wife are also burdened by family life at the same time. The level of strength in such families is minimal.
• - Couples where, over the years of marriage, self-esteem has grown in both spouses at once, but only one of the partners is burdened by family life. The possibilities for maintaining such a family are quite decent.

Then I begin to find out what other reasons provoke the partners' thoughts about the premature creation of a family. For example, reason # 2.

Reason 2. The heyday of sexuality, coinciding with the accumulation of fatigue from the previous long-term love friendship.

Years of stable intimate relationships between partners (first in love relationships, then in marriage) gradually lead to their sexual "warming up", the appearance of an increased interest in this particular area, but passion and affection for a specific sexual partner - his (her) spouse (f) decreases markedly.

And if the emergence of a family did not lead to a radical change in the life and life of a man and a woman, they did not have children, they devote little time to each other, then this situation often leads to the fact that the sexual initiative of one of the young spouses (or even both) goes aside, switches to other people, who immediately become sexual objects. Moreover, most often this happens with those young women who, during previous love relationships, had not yet experienced their own sexual attraction, had an intimate relationship not because they felt a personal need for this, but rather because it was necessary for the partner, and the girl wanted get married and was afraid of losing him. But then the intimate experience awakens his own ladies' needs, and the husband, accustomed to the fact that his wife is not very proactive in this matter, treats his marital duties already with coolness. As a result, young wives, who have formed as women only already in the process of marriage, begin to very critically assess the male abilities of their husbands and look at other men, just admitting that they got married too early, "did not walk their own way" and so Further.

Of course, the presence of a flourishing of sexuality, coinciding with the accumulation of fatigue from the previous long-term love friendship, is not at all a guarantee of betrayal and divorce. As already mentioned, the timely birth of a child in a family is quite capable of becoming an additional family bond. However, even in the presence of a child, the situation with thoughts about the premature marriage may become aggravated if reason number 3 works.

Reason number 3. Financial distress of a young family.

One of the problems that many young families now face is living on credit. An apartment on a mortgage, a car on credit, household appliances on credit, and even a summer vacation abroad, and then, often, in installments. As a result, the entire family budget of a young family has been calculated and calculated to a penny, the cultural program has been reduced to a minimum, and some young men and women start to panic: “All young years - just save and pay, we can’t afford anything, they ask when how to live? And then the following pattern works:

An easy, partying lifestyle is always cheaper than family life.

Moreover, for girls it is generally practically free: it is only necessary to give consent to the gentleman for sex, and all financial expenses are already his own problems. This is where thoughts often arise: “Didn't I get married too early, now I would still go for a drive in the evenings at restaurants, clubs and barbecue … And so sit at home, save up for everything, even a bottle of good champagne and a kilogram of cherries we cannot afford … Is all this family life worth my self-restraint? " There is only one way out of this - a normal family "cultural program" and we will talk about this especially in the chapter "Give a family cultural program!" And smart young spouses should also know:

A family is an investment that pays off for a very long time. But on the other hand, the dividends in the future from her are many times greater than from hundreds of evenings of "beautiful life."

And now, after five to ten years of family life, when the couple will already have an apartment and a car, she will be able to afford cherries, champagne and much more. And those who beautifully burn through life and mislead the true young spouses, having aged a little and therefore becoming less in demand, will eventually envy them greatly. And speaking of the need for a cautious attitude towards "a beautiful life", it is high time to recall the letter quoted above from the thirty-year-old Peter, on whom so much joy suddenly fell that it began to threaten his marriage.

Reason number 4. An overly rapid growth in the success of one of the spouses.

In life, it often happens that one of the spouses begins to climb the career or financial ladder so quickly that he literally jumps over two or three steps at once and his psyche is simply not ready for this. The situation in this regard is very similar to when divers rise to the surface from great depths. If they begin to float up at too high a speed, their blood is not so saturated with oxygen and nitrogen, the body can experience very dangerous stress from decompression. So in ordinary life:

Too fast obtaining a leading position and additional financial opportunities leads to such a rapid change in the social status of a person that he (a) begins to experience literally "dizziness with success." New influential friends, dear rest and the sweet feeling that "here she is real luck - in my hands!" almost instantly lead to family quarrels. The normal "second half" will almost never be happy with the travel of the spouse (s) to clubs and saunas, expensive gifts or flowers from strangers. As a result, the “lucky man” has a feeling that the main enemy of his success is his (her) own wife (husband). But it is erroneous:

The spouse's struggle against such indirect signs of an increase in the social status of his “half” as restaurants, clubs and saunas is almost always mistaken by her as a struggle against the very increase of her (his) social status.

I emphasize again: In fact, husbands and wives are not at all against the career or financial growth of their "halves"! They are against only those things that cause jealousy and reflect badly on the reputation of the "half" and the prospects for joint family life. However, for those who begin to experience the “euphoria of success” of this kind, calls to “behave a little more restrained” usually cause irritation: “He (a) does not understand that I need all this for business and for further growth! But in fact - all this is for both of us! ". Then the more successful "half" begins to consider their more sober-minded couple a "brake on progress", then suddenly comes to the conclusion that the money available now can afford another husband or another wife "with a better quality." And here it is already a stone's throw to the final thought: “But in general, why did I get married (got married)? How wonderful it would be for me to be single (unmarried) now! Eh … ".

I won't even say that such a "euphoria of success" is very dangerous: my readers probably know that most often it is the most experienced sappers who are blown up by mines, and the most professional climbers are smashed. But beginners, and people with average experience, almost never suffer: they just do not yet have this so destructive "euphoria of success." So, if your own half is suffering from this euphoria, let her read this page. If you have it yourself, just read it again:

In fact, husbands and wives are not at all against the career or financial growth of their "halves". They are against only those things that cause jealousy and reflect badly on the reputation of the "half" and the prospects for joint family life.

Reason number 5. Incorrect way of life of a young family.

The improper arrangement of the life of a young family is a reason, which is subdivided into several points at once:

• - excessive employment of one of the spouses, when the husband or wife is chronically away from home;
• - an indecently small "cultural program" of a young family, when young spouses sit at home in the evenings and are sad …;
• - most of the family's household responsibilities are shifted to one of the spouses, as you know, usually to the spouse.

From all this, one of the spouses every day (or even five times a day!) Spoils the mood and there are dangerous thoughts that such a life is boring and hopeless, that it was necessary to wait with marriage, marriage, in the end, just to break up, enjoy life a little more, and only then "find yourself a normal (yu) husband (wife), and not this (this) !!!".

Reason number 6. Bad influence of the single-unmarried campaign.

This reason is one of the most significant. And you yourself understand why. There is such a correct opinion: "a person is influenced by his communication environment." The fact is that when a man or woman at the age of 20-30 creates a family, many of their usual campaigns, some of these classmates, classmates, usual for all of us, are not yet married - not married. Of course, they have fun spending their time exactly as it is supposed to spend time at this age and in this "free" status - fun, varied, with a lot of erotic adventures. And some newlyweds, who have not yet had time to get used to their new social position and life, sometimes try to live as before, that is, they look up to the lifestyle of their single - unmarried acquaintances. They are acutely jealous of them, try to join them from time to time, run into a misunderstanding of their "halves", scandal and … rashly begin to regret their early marriage.

The desire of some young spouses to live “yesterday” is nothing more than an example of the psychological “inertia of thinking”.

And this is in fact - pure water "inertia of thinking", very similar in its manifestations to the so-called "phantom pain", when a person whose leg or arm was removed, but they … even after a year or two still itch or hurt … And there is only one way out: newlyweds should understand:

The desire to live "yesterday" often leads to the fact that a person actually ends up in this "yesterday", and then very much regrets and regrets about this.

Reason number 7. The negative influence of the parents of one of the spouses.

To my personal delight as a psychologist, this reason is not very common. Nevertheless, it takes place in those couples where the marriage took place contrary to the mood of the parents of one of the newly made spouses (or even contrary to the mood of the parents of both spouses at once). When parents either had their own version of a couple for their child, or they simply do not like the personality, character or social status of the chosen one (s) of their son (daughter). In this case, it happens that the personal hostility of the parents of one of the spouses to his "half" begins to disguise itself under general conversations that the family is too early for their child. And if a son or daughter is very suggestible, or is traditionally under the great influence of parents, after six months - a year of such opinions and conversations, such a "spouse is still a child" gradually forms not only the opinion that his (her) half is to him (her) “Not a couple”, but also the confidence that first one should “walk around the underdeveloped”, and only then make “the right choice”. Of course, agreed with the parents.

If young spouses are remotely controlled by their parents, this means that, in essence, children are not only themselves, but also their parents who have not played enough with dolls and "family".

So, we have completed the listing of the very seven main reasons why young spouses develop a dangerous feeling that they - "did not walk around" and started a family too early. Of course, there are other reasons: rudeness, drunkenness, lack of communication or betrayal of one of the spouses. However, more often than not, they evoke not thoughts of premature creation of a family, but a desire to leave only this particular family, do not undermine respect for the institution of the family in general.

In the meantime, I express my humble author's hope that your careful acquaintance with the generalizations that I made during my work as a family psychologist will help you:

• - Understand the reasons for your personal painful thoughts about "premature marriage" and find a way to correct something in yourself;
• - To see your own family mistakes, as a result of which your “half” is already torn back to the premarital past, and again something in your family should be properly regulated;
• - Help those of your friends-acquaintances-girlfriends who live in marriage, but at the same time are trying to pretend that he (a) is still “at large” and is very burdened by his newly acquired family status;
• - If you are already very adults, help your own children to overcome “wrong thoughts”, who have already created a family, but have not yet learned to think in a family way.

In any case, I really hope that our joint analysis of the reasons for the emergence of thoughts about "too early marriage" will be not only interesting to you, but also most useful.

For many men and women, marriage is something like a doll for butterflies: they enter it grayish and ugly, afraid of everything. Then there they ripen and blossom and strive to fly out into the big world so that everyone will admire them. Only now future real butterflies live in their cocoons only one at a time, and our human families are created for two after all. And therefore, respected male and female butterflies should still understand: while you, having strengthened in your families (thanks to the care of your spouse (s), will flutter and delight everyone with your beauty, your other "half" together with her family cocoon, one day, can be picked up by someone else, for example, that butterfly that has already swooped in before you … So, think about it and don't let yourself get too far from your own new family home!