Where Do Grievances Come From?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Where does the habit of being offended come from? I don’t understand the misunderstanding at once, but accumulate negative for a long time and thus spoil the relationship with the person.

Resentment is a child's defense mechanism. Who knows that his parents cannot satisfy his need for attention, buy a toy, love only him, play with him, do not share his feelings. He cannot directly say about it, about his anger, if mom and dad forbid it in the family.

Then the negative does not go anywhere, but turns into an insult and lives in the soul of the child.

Such children become adults. And the patterns of behavior no longer with mom and dad, but with relationship partners, friends, colleagues remain the same.

Such people take offense at everything. Peace, people, injustice. Even if there is no reason and the other did not wish him harm, instead of directly saying:

"You know, when you say that, I feel sad and angry, I feel worthless. What do you mean when you do this and say?"

Instead of direct messages and questions to his partner, a friend, such a person endures for a long time, and then explodes and tells the other, in a furious and violent form, that he got him! That he doesn't hear him!

To hear, you need to talk about what you like or not immediately, in a non-violent way.

Other people are not your parents. They, no matter how close they are, do not know where they violate your boundaries, where they are doing wrong and why. Therefore, you need to talk about this before the resentment has grown to heaven.

It was not in vain that I said that frequent grievances are also a childish feeling that someone else should be responsible for the conflict and apologize first. Like parents in childhood, who really were responsible for the child.

But other people are not your parents, they are not so responsible for your feelings, especially if they do not know about them. You, too, always take part of the responsibility for what happened.

Quarrel, divorce, whatever. Both are always involved in this.

Usually resentful people are very sensitive and were traumatized in childhood when their parents did not care about their feelings and emotional needs. And there was no other person around, like a kind grandmother, aunt or grandfather.

Who accepted your anger and did not judge it.

Who loved you, even if you are sad and do nothing.

Who would always be on your side no matter what happens.

This is why childhood is valuable, that only there a child can be any and beloved. And to know that close people will forgive and accept him.

An adult's offense is also doubts in the other, in the world as a whole, that "suddenly he will not accept me, and I will be offended just in case, in order to demand later!"

Resentment is an adult attempt to win back the love and acceptance of parents from others who are unaware of it.

What can I say about myself. I take offense too, and they hurt me too. I just don't save it, but tell the person directly: "Your words offended me. I don't deserve it and think differently. It hurts, I feel not valuable to you." In this case, there are two ways, or we decide together, in nonviolent communication, what to do next and go to meet each other, or we part.

I have no accusations against someone, I see good moments in our interaction, but when we stop accepting each other and taking into account our boundaries, it is better to disperse.

Make this mutual decision when your relationship has outlived its usefulness, and there is no longer a place for joy and love in them.

They usually take offense with close people when we become vulnerable and expect the same attitude from adults as from our parents in childhood. And when we don't get it, we get offended even more.

So what can you do about it? If you recognize yourself as a resentful person, disappointed in life, you should look at your life and take care of it.

With your happiness, your mental health, fill yourself with strength and resources, find a job, a job that gives you happiness.

Then there will be no time for resentment, because you will tell everyone about how you learned to be happy with yourself.

To do this, you need to learn important skills of the psyche of a healthy person, to separate physically and mentally from parents and find yourself a loved one who can change his life)