How To Free Yourself From Childhood Grievances

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Forgiveness theme! Or how to get rid of childhood grievances!

I wrote this Article based on the psychological, theoretical basis that I have today, personal experience and practice. This is not a theory, this is my practice, and I do not pretend to be the ultimate truth, this is my personal view and experience today, which, I am sure, can be of real benefit to many.

Now, let's talk about forgiveness! In fact, in psychology, there is no concept of forgiveness as such, in psychology we work so that a person lets go of his grievances, gets rid of the emotional burden, from a negative attachment to the past.

And actually I'm not going to talk about how to forgive, but about how to let go, how to get rid of offenses. If I don’t get emotionally stuck, I don’t suffer, then I adequately perceive situations, and in this case I am free.

Of course, one must learn not to forgive, but not to be offended, there is a previous article about offenses.

And if you understand the reason why, why and how we are offended, you can definitely learn how to minimize this state in your life. Of course, we will be offended, this is inevitable, situations are different, the main thing here is the adequacy of the perception of the situation, and this already depends on your inner state, on the ground that was laid in childhood. Resentment that lasts more than two minutes puts you in a state of self-pity, helplessness, dependence, and sacrifice. And all this goes, I repeat, its roots in childhood.

Now let's talk about what to do with grievances and childhood traumas? After all, while they are inside, they are a beacon, a magnet and attract all those troubles (betrayal, insults, feelings of injustice, pain and even violence) to which we continue to be offended again and again, and this cycle can last forever, and this in fact, there is karma, but today is not about that.

Any statement to a person with low self-esteem, to a person with a heap of insults from childhood (a big wound), may have seemed a mortal insult! A person with internal pain (a great resentment) can offend, as they say, even a baby.

And in this case, to say goodbye, to let go, to get rid of these childhood grievances, this is the only way that will help to get rid of many problems of the present, and get rid of the often inadequate reaction to the world around us.

You need to say goodbye to the emotional state that hurts, fetters and attracts the relevant situations into your life, over and over again. And letting go of childhood grievances is the most difficult thing, because in this case, one way or another, you cannot change the situation, parents are a given. For example, you can change your boss or husband (wife), you don’t want to endure it, but with parents it is more complicated, as well as with children (but now not about children).

From a psychological point of view, true forgiveness or letting go must go through certain required stages. You can pass them only if a person understands, realizes why he is doing it, and sincerely wants it. And this is not always the case.

- The first stage is the most important one is recognition. The admission that this hurt, this pain is there. As with alcoholism, before treating a disease, you need to acknowledge its presence.

It often happens that we so strongly and carefully hide our pain, our weaknesses, suppress them, that we stop feeling … We become insensitive and deny the existence of a problem. If we talk about parents, then I can not communicate with them, avoid pretending that I do not care, I am already an adult. But if you avoid communication, it is difficult for you to tell your mom or dad something good or to hug (even if you want to), etc., then you should think about why. That is, before letting go of something, you need to understand that, you need to admit it.

Here you can ask the question: "Is it necessary to love and respect and accept your parents?"

How do you answer this question?

I will answer that they must be accepted, without internal resistance and denial. And this is a must if you want to live your life fully, happy and successful in all respects. This is the start.

Of course, you can discuss this, situations are different, but the acceptance of your life and yourself occurs only through the acceptance of a kind, that is, your parents at least, but now this is not about that.

- The second stage, after allowing yourself to feel, after recognizing that there is pain, it needs to be released, that is, to voice, identify, designate, express, give shape. Express everything that is inside, everything that is painful, all the claims of resentment, all those thoughts that have poisoned and continue to poison your life, all your fears and possibly speculation, all the negativity associated with mom and dad. And this must be done as much as necessary in order for the emotional release, for the attachment to go away. The task of this stage will be released, you need to remember this.

There is such a technique "Three letters" I will describe it further, it can help, in this work. And do not forget that these are your grievances and your feelings, and in reality, parents may not even be aware of, they may consider themselves quite normal, simply because this is their experience, and this is their story. And believe me, it is possible to get rid of this burden of grievances without their direct participation, and even if they are no longer alive (as was the case with me).

But, if you still want your parents to take part in this, then it is better to do everything yourself first and let off steam as much as possible, and only after that, invite your parents to talk about your childhood. You may really be surprised that parents may have a completely different point of view for all your grievances, radically different from yours. And here it is also important to understand that now these are already other people, and perhaps they even repent, but then it was so, and it cannot be otherwise.

It is important to understand here that the goal of this stage is to free yourself from emotional pain. And understand that your parents are a reality that you cannot change.

- After you have identified all your negative feelings, expressed them, prescribed them and it became easier for you. You begin to remember everything that was good, and I assure you that absolutely everyone, even the most unfavorable options, will be able to find something to remember with a plus sign. It's just that our brain is so arranged that we are more easily fixated on the bad, we remember it more vividly, and these memories over time absorb the good, but it was also there, otherwise you simply would not have survived.

In the third stage, we begin to change the perception of our childhood history, the perception of our parents and the perception of ourselves in our childhood. And these are not just some fantasies, these are absolutely real events that you may not have noticed, or did not want to notice, which you can now understand in a different way from the bell tower of an adult and accordingly change your attitude towards them.

All the options associated with violence are sick people, and as they say, they don't take offense at all (rudely, of course, but something like that), all the emotional abuse that you may have experienced in childhood may not apply to you personally, just the nature of they have such a way of thinking (psychoneurotic), and essentially nothing personal.

You should not try to rationalize something, just accept that these are your parents! And your task is to continue this kind of neurotic relationship, or change the rules of your behavior! Believe me, this is really possible!

That is, this is the stage of acceptance in essence, this is the stage of awareness and this is the stage of getting out of the victim state. And this is the most difficult stage. The main thing here is sincerity, your sincerity with yourself. From this stage, we often return to the previous stage, for various reasons.

Someone sincerely does not understand, and does not see anything good, as a rule, because he does not want it. Or, Because it is much more familiar and comfortable to feel like a hostage to circumstances and a victim. This is a habit, and it is in this very place that the victim turns into an executioner who longs for revenge or justice and, at the same time, carefully hides it, often even for herself.

I am a victim, I suffered, they didn’t love me, I am not needed, they did this and that with me….. I can’t… I don’t want. And here it is important to understand, again to realize, for yourself, no matter what it was in childhood, no matter what horrors you endured, this is already in the past, it has already passed, and your choice to continue living there, in your past, or all stop suffering and feeling sorry for yourself, and start living already here, in your present.

Yes, it may not be easy, it may take a lot of time, and you will need the help of a specialist, but it is absolutely real, it is possible, and this is your choice, your desire, and no one will do it for you. Understand that by holding this to yourself, you are condemning yourself to continue your past in your future.

If I live by my past, I have no present, and in the future, only the experience of my past awaits me.

And this is the most difficult stage.

- The next stage can come only after the previous stage has been sincerely passed. After accepting, realizing and changing the attitude towards your childhood story, towards yourself and your parents.

This stage, for a person who is at the beginning of the path, may seem unrealistic and even very dubious, but it is no less important than all the previous ones.

This is the stage of accepting your parents. After the release of negative emotions, that is, emotional release, after changing the perception of your story and leaving the position of the victim, the final stage is acceptance. And if you really went through all the previous stages, then the stage of acceptance will not be difficult for you.

What is acceptance? How to understand that I am already at this stage?

Acceptance is when you don't feel negative about thinking about your parents. Generally zero emotions with a minus sign. Yes, this is how it happened, but I live, I got an experience that for some reason I needed (but that's another story). And then ideally follows a feeling of warmth (no matter what), a feeling of warmth and gratitude. And this is aerobatics, and this is also real!

I was born, I live and this is already a serious reason to thank.

Gratitude is a new foundation for your perception of the world, your relationship with yourself and the world around you, and on this foundation there are much less chances to sprout various grievances and, in principle, negative situations. This is your new pendulum, a new magnet, your new start.

And now the techniques:

The first technique is Three letters.

- The first letter is relief from pain. You write all your grievances, claims, all that is bad, that has accumulated, express, throw out all the negativity. Write and burn until it gets easier.

- Then you remember all the good things that happened, that is, you rewrite your attitude. And this is not a formality, it must be sincere. Write, too, possibly more than once, since the format of the letter can return to the first stage, and you burn it too.

- Next, you write a letter of gratitude. In which you thank for life, perhaps for some more moments, and for the fact that you received this experience, it is important to understand that this experience gave you something, perhaps you became stronger, perhaps you understood what mistakes you will not make in your life, how will you bring up your children. Draw a conclusion and thank for the lesson learned. And this letter can also be burned, like the past, like a past stage of your life.

And one more technique, in my opinion, is very important that can be done in parallel with letters when going through the stages of letting go of grievances described by me.

This technique was taken by me from constellations, and slightly modified for my practice.

In constellations, this is called restoration of the interrupted feeling of love. I do not carry out the constellations, because I think that they are not shown to everyone, and not for everyone they are environmentally friendly, but I use some points from the theory in my work.

So, you need to relax, close your eyes and introduce your abuser, in this case one of the parents. Then you tell him in your imagination that you are hurt, that you are in pain and hard. You list all your grievances and claims and repeat that you really want to get rid of this load, that you no longer want to carry it with you. You can even see this cargo in the form of some kind of suitcases. You ask your parent's permission to let go of this, as a rule, the parent agrees and here it happens in different ways, someone gives this load to the parent, and for someone it simply disappears.

After that, after you have felt this relief, you ask forgiveness from the parent … Yes, yes … you ask for forgiveness for punishing him all this time with your attitude towards him. I know a lot of cases when parents would like to improve relationships with children, but children have already built such protection from their parents that it becomes simply impossible. Ask for forgiveness for not being able to forgive them before for taking revenge on them in one way or another (do not deny it), with some of your actions. And this, of course, also needs to be done completely sincerely.

After you have forgiven and asked for forgiveness, you need to take the next step, you need to say that you love them. Open your heart, let in the flow of love, feel it …

Here, as a rule, there are many tears, all the blocks come out, and the flow of love begins to move. From parent to you, from you to parent and from you to your children, you can embrace mentally to snuggle up to him (mom or dad) and feel the love that you so grabbed, which you so wanted in childhood …

This is the beginning of a new story in your life and this flow you can pass on to your children. And your life will sparkle with new colors, love, acceptance and freedom.

By accepting your parents, you allow yourself to live, you accept your life, you accept yourself, you allow yourself to be, but that's another story !!!