How To Free Yourself From Fear And Shame When Praised

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The widespread opinion (and correct) says that it is not easy for us to endure situations where we are judged, and in particular, are judged as bad, not hardworking enough, beautiful, smart, and so on. And if you listen to yourself at that moment, you can literally feel physical pain and discomfort.

A negative score hurts.

It is a fact.

But things happen even more curious, just as common, but for some reason they talk about them less often.

Imagine, or maybe remember, the situation.

You did something well, say a presentation, a negotiation, (or just cooked dinner). We invested in this effort, time, resources. And somewhere to yourself you quietly think that in general you are a fine fellow:-)

And now you are being praised. Employees, boss, friends, partner - now it's not important who exactly.

At this very moment (later, when you remember about this, you are surprised and do not understand what was happening at all and where you were) You clearly feel how the voice of the praising person sounds as if from afar or dissolves altogether, palms sweat, you want to fall through the ground, legs become wadded, and you (for an outside observer this can be clearly seen) close your eyes or study your shoes, shrink in size and say something like:

- I actually didn’t / did anything like that….

- Oh, what are you …. this is an exaggeration

- You're too kind…

- There is nothing wrong with that …

- Just think!

-Oh, come on….

Or a typical example:

- This dress suits you so well!

- Oh, I bought it at the sale.

- I got it from my grandmother (mom, friend, half price …)

Nothing like that, right?

And if you think about it and immerse yourself, then questions arise. Many questions.

What happens to my body when I am praised?

Where does this suffocating sensation in the throat come from?

Why can't I look at someone praising me?

Why am I answering the way I do, even though I damn well know the presentation was awesome?

Why do they praise me, and then I feel bad?

Eric Berne, the creator of transactional analysis, also became interested in these issues at one time. As a result, he came up with the concept of stroking.

For Berne, stroking is a unit of recognition. And therefore we cannot live without them. As biological beings, we cannot survive without food, water, and air. As social beings, we need someone to recognize the fact of our existence, to recognize that we are, and that we are doing something in the world of social relations.

Strokes, from which we are pleased and which we perceive as such, Bern called positive.

Strokes that are unpleasant for us are called negative.

Everything here seems to be clear.

Another thing is not clear: if stroking is pleasant, why do I refuse it, why don't I accept it?

Why do I not accept the recognition of another, which, as it turned out, is as important to me as air, water and food?

Much earlier than a person learns to think abstractly, with the help of categories, concepts, making inferences and logical conclusions - he seeks and receives an answer to a seemingly simple question: what in this world he can and cannot. And he finds it, with the help of his parents in the family, a little later in kindergarten, a group of peers.

By school age, if only our psyche is preserved, we already know with our skin and body the rules by which the world around us is built.

Because our parents have already somehow evaluated our behavior, thoughts and feelings.

Parents already scolded or praised us in some way. Or scolded and praised at the same time.

And this is where we receive from parents and society in a broad sense 5 limiting rules for stroking.

Here they are:

• Don't stroke if you wanna stroke
• Don't ask for strokes when you need them
• Don't take strokes when you want them
• Don't give up stroking when you don't want it
• Do not stroke yourself.

In post-Soviet culture, it is unacceptable (indecent, what will the neighbors say?) To praise oneself.

And if in my family it was unacceptable to accept positive stroking, but it was accepted to accept negative strokes, then I, most likely, will transfer this practice to other relationships.

And if it was customary to give only conditional positive strokes (praise for something: school grade, clothes, toy, drawing), it will be incredibly difficult for me in adult life to accept recognition and praise, even if they are sincere and pure, like a baby's tear. I just won't believe, I won't hear, I won't remember, in a word - I won't accept.

If such situations are repeated, do not lend themselves to control, bring you suffering, then psychotherapy is useful, where work is based on the fact that you make new decisions.

Accept those strokes that are pleasant to you.

Don't accept strokes you don't want.

Stroke yourself / yourself.

Ask for strokes when you want them.

Accept strokes when you need them.

And finally: what can you practice today, accepting praise.

So, you have been praised and you:

1. sit down or make yourself as comfortable as possible
2. put your weight on both legs
3. relax your stomach, face, eyes, lower jaw
4. breathe
5. smile and say "thank you":-)

In preparation for the article, the books by Eric Berne "People who play games", "Games that people play", "Basics of TA: Transactional Analysis" by J. Stewart, W. Joyns were used.

Yaroslav Moisienko, psychologist