Believe Or Betray? About Shame And The Form Of Working With Shame

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Surrender yourself and meet the expectations of others, or remain yourself contrary to the expectations of others? This is a choice that everyone has to make. Sooner or later.

Anyone who chooses the first path and betrays himself feels unhappy. His whole life is aimed at being comfortable, accepted, approved by the environment. Most often, this path is chosen for safety reasons - to avoid falling into the shame that others see you and condemn your shortcomings. As if you are in a spotlight and there is nowhere to escape. In other words, it is the affect of belonging and dependence in and from society.

The benefit of shame lies in its signaling role as an indicator, which shows that we should retreat and regroup if our desire cannot be fulfilled at the moment. “But if shame is very strong, then it can become dangerous in combination with other feelings. Thus, deep shame, combined with aggression, which is needed to organize our energy for important actions, turns into rage. In a state of rage, people chaotically destroy everything around them, causing injury to themselves and their relationships. Sadness combined with shame can develop into chronic depression, hopelessness, or chaotic disorientation. From these states it is almost impossible to get in touch with the world. Combined with shame, fear can turn into wild panic; erotic excitement - into sexual frenzy; interest can become an obsessive attraction; disappointment - despair and even joy can be replaced by mania. (Gordon Wheeler, 2005)

What happens as a result of shame? A person splits off from himself those parts that, according to some criteria, do not meet the expectations of others. Usually this experience begins in early childhood, when parents compare with others: "Here Olya is a fine fellow, she did not stain her dress, but you …", "Good children share toys, and bad ones are greedy." Or, when adults are manipulating: "If you don't want your mom to be upset, you have to be a good girl."

And the split-off parts go into the shadows. And it takes a lot of strength to suppress and hide these parts from others, and often from oneself. An overemphasis on success is rooted in the humiliation that children endure when they do not live up to their parental ideal. Vanity is characteristic of people who are forced to take control of all aspects of their own behavior and appearance in order to avoid any touch of shame. And this is no longer a person, but a model, an example. His life is devoid of spontaneity and pleasure and is like a prison.

But some people decide to remain themselves against the expectations of society. Those who live this way are forced to pave the way for themselves, following their inner voice. And this road is full of mistakes and discoveries. Through passing through mistakes, the birth of the human personality and the embodiment of the self in the world take place. It is the process of creating oneself.

And the truth is, in order to live like this, it is important to be able to hear yourself, to have inner support and strength to remain true to yourself. Even if the environment is against.

What to do with shame?

Shame is a filter that stands at the beginning of all desires, in a period of time where the need arises and begins to take possession of a person. At this moment, the desire is still so fragile and needs support. If the support of the field is not enough, then the desire can be interrupted by shame, without being realized. The energy that was allocated under the desire does not disappear, but turns into anxiety. If there are a lot of stopped actions, then the alarm goes off scale.

In this case, antidepressants, flight into habitual addictions, illness, or the discharge of energy into affairs approved by society will save you. But in none of these cases, a joyful and fulfilling life will not work.

The consolation and coaxing of other people does not help shame. This is going in circles. Because in this way the feeling of inferiority of the one who is given this kind of support is maintained.

People can be resilient even if they are in pain - if there is support from another who sincerely believes in them and loves them. He loves not like a child or an unhappy person, but simply humanly. Love called agape. This is love for another being, which I consider complete and self-sufficient, when I believe and respect what he feels and does. And I allow him to create his life, staying close to him as he goes through his experience.

Previously, people found this love and support in God. And they could share their successes and failures with him. They believed that they were not alone in their lives. But with the advent of the narcissistic culture, people have forgotten how to trust the Higher Forces and began to appropriate all the successes and failures only to themselves … To discover agape love in oneself is part of the therapist's professionalism.

How can the other person help me release my shame? This will happen if he accepts my experience, listening and accepting my reality. If he is interested in the nature of my experiences and experiences. If the other person can share their shame too, show their vulnerability. When I feel that I have been accepted by another person, it will develop my self-support. Millimeter by millimeter. It will allow me to identify more and more with myself.

During therapy, it becomes possible to look at one's otherness not as inferiority, but as an individuality. And then shame becomes irrelevant. Individuality is freedom from shame. The more original and natural a person is in his manifestations, the less shame he has. And vice versa. "A bud is not an imperfect rose, it is just a bud" J. Enright

The point of therapy is to help the client learn to recognize and respect their inner world. Say no and express aggression to defend borders. And the first person on whom he will try this path will be the therapist. Of course, it is not easy to withstand the flow of customer dissatisfaction, which has been accumulating for many years and acquired with different people. But if I understand what is happening and support the process of becoming the client himself, then I can contain his bursts of emotion. And in every possible way I encourage the client to do it. And I think this is a great achievement in our work. It is an honor for me to be present at the moment of unification of all parts of another person's personality.

And when the client runs the risk of fulfilling his needs and goes beyond the comfort zone during the session, feeling accepted by me, then this creates in him the belief that he can have a place in the world with his needs. Faith differs from security in that security is a reliance on past experience, and faith is about the future. Hope is the polarity of depression and motivates to be and live.

I think that with the disappearance of shame, most psychopathologies will also disappear, and people will be more holistic, natural, and self-identical. A different form of relationship will emerge. It's even hard for me to imagine which one. In my imagination, a world without shame is a world where there is a lot of joy. A world in which people live who feel free to be themselves. Then humanity will become a society of full-fledged human personalities, and not a system that benefits from an infantile, fearful and agreeing herd.

It seems to me that the life of a modern person is a release from dependence on a pathological system of values, leading to violations of the true human nature and human relationships.