2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Self-dislike is a fairly common phenomenon in our time. Almost every second client I work with in therapy admits that he does not love at all, and sometimes even hates himself.
At the same time, expectations of love and its manifestations from the people around them - friends, colleagues, spouses or relatives - seem quite natural.
You have probably noticed an amazing pattern: the one who does not love himself, his soul - the creation of God, is rarely loved by other people.
And this universal law easily finds confirmation in our everyday life.
Observing those around you, or when you make new acquaintances, you may notice: someone at first sight makes you sympathetic, and someone, on the contrary, dislikes.
Where do these feelings come from in relation to people whom you see for the first time in your life?
This is what I want to talk about.
We transmit and receive about 80% of information through non-verbal channels.
With the help of facial expressions, gestures and body language, we communicate what we think about others and ourselves.
And also we "read" this information, in a split second, at a subconscious level.
This fact has been scientifically proven, and it is in it that the answers to the questions that I often hear from my clients lie: "Why don't I have friends?" or "Why don't men or women pay attention to me?" and "Why am I not being taken seriously?"
Being in society, we in one way or another present the various qualities of our personality and the way we do this shapes the attitude of other people.
To give an example: a competent salesperson who knows his product perfectly, has tested it and is confident in its reliability will sell it with great success.
Think for yourself: will you buy a product from a seller who, with all his appearance, broadcasts doubts that this product is good?
Likewise, a person who discovers new facets of his own “I” and accepts both positive and useful qualities and the “dark” side of his personality, through self-knowledge and reflection, is able to see the magnificence and uniqueness both in himself and in other people.
Accepting the full diversity of his own manifestations, such a person will bring light and joy into his life.
It is no secret that the beliefs acquired in the parental family stand in the way of self-acceptance.
Parents' ignorance of the child's needs and achievements, lack of praise and unconstructive criticism at the moment of an error, love that manifests itself in the family only as encouraging "good" behavior, parental resentment about the actions of children, responsibility disproportionate to the child's capabilities, for example, for raising younger brothers and sisters, comparisons and other ways of destructive "education" - all this affects a person's personality and his perception of himself.
Many initially do not notice these connections or prefer not to see them. After all, the role of “victim” is very beneficial and convenient - it contains the illusion that someone else, strong and loving, will come and in a moment will patch all these holes in your soul and heart, relieve you of suffering and teach you to love yourself.
You can wait for this "wizard in a blue helicopter" for years.
The truth is, happiness takes effort. And only you yourself can help yourself to become an integral, confident and self-sufficient person, able to value and accept yourself.
Go to the mirror right now and take a close look at yourself. Who is in front of you?
A small and defenseless child with too few rights and for whom the opinion of adults is the law?
Or do you see in the reflection an adult, with a head, arms, legs and the ability to walk on those legs, blazing new paths in front of you?
What prevents you from lifting yourself off your knees and starting to live in a new way, discarding old masks?
I will answer with the famous phrase: desire has thousands of possibilities, unwillingness has a million reasons!
The good news is that everyone has a chance to become someone they want to admire.
As you work through your own injuries, you will find a resource to help you.
If you unambiguously understand that you want change, are ready to do what you have not done before, are ready to get out of the usual circle, then therapy aimed at gaining love for yourself and building harmonious relationships with yourself and the people around you will be a turning point for you. in life.
I invite you to do a simple exercise that will start positive change right now. You will need three blank sheets of paper and any comfortable writing instrument, such as a ballpoint pen.
Take a piece of paper and divide it into 2 pieces.
On the left, write those traits of character and behavior that you do not like in yourself, and on the right what you love. What you like about yourself or what you consider to be your strong point.
Put this sheet aside and take a new one. On it, describe all your skills point by point, for example, like this: I can draw beautifully, dance, sing, knit, stand on my head - write everything that your heart desires in a column, numbering each point.
This list is a powerful argument that can cheer you up and give you the confidence to take action. Hang it up in a prominent place and re-read it, adding new paragraphs from time to time.
Take a new sheet. And, looking at the first list, in which your unloved qualities are unsubscribed, write for each item the answer to the question: "how can I change this?"
You now have a plan of action. And you just need to start following it.
Do not strive to complete all points at once. Pick one and stick with it for one day - this will make it easier for you to integrate new positive habits into your life.
If you do not have your own psychologist who supports you and helps you on the path to change, then it will be useful to find a like-minded person who can, at least indirectly, help you in your endeavors.
IMPORTANT:
- Allow ourselves to make mistakes, because at the moment of error we learn.
- Start focusing on the positive parts of your personality, even if it’s not easy at first, keep looking for the positive, no matter what.
- As soon as you hear your inner voice criticizing you, take a deep breath and mentally tell yourself: from this moment I accept everything in me, I have the right to be who I am and who I want to be. I can choose how to live.
And immediately turn your attention to the positive traits and your accomplishments (you now have a whole list).
Such training helps to change your life and perception very abruptly already after a month of daily use. Try it and see for yourself.
