The Art Of Speaking

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Let's consider several techniques of how exactly you can change the form of a statement, making it positive.

1. I speak from myself. It is better to build any statements (especially about you) in the first person using personal pronouns. (I-statements). When a person expresses himself in self-statements, it makes him aware of the subjectivity of his perception. In relation to others, this is an extremely environmentally friendly way of communication - in I-statements it is extremely difficult to blame or reproach and thus it is extremely difficult to call someone into a conflict, even if you specially try, because you are talking about yourself, and not evaluating the actions and even more so the personality of another person. When we start speaking in the first person, we take responsibility for what comes next. This makes the phrase positive.

2. I speak for myself. Any statements for everyone, statements for others, unfounded generalizations (generalizations), groundless categorizations (everything, always, absolutely, etc.) should be translated into a specific form of personal experience, an existing situation, addressed to a specific person. To speak for oneself also means not to draw conclusions for others - "not to read minds." Rather than guessing for others, it is better to ask directly, otherwise the offer will turn into pressure, and concern into imposition.

3. I choose what I do. Any statements with external motivation should be translated into internal motivation (from external control to internal). Naturally, by changing the beginning of the phrase, you will have to change the specific selection of words, and most importantly, the expressed meaning will have a completely different effect on you and on your interlocutors than in the first version. Change phrases not formally, but really in accordance with what you think and feel. This new result will match your experience, but it will also be much more productive. In fact, you will participate in an event with others in a very different way.

4. I do what I choose. Any statements indicating an external source of responsibility, activity, translate in statements to an internal source of responsibility, activity (from what he does to what I do). Conclusions about the actions of other people, about their motives and feelings, replace the descriptions of their impressions that have arisen about the actions of other people. Applying this principle means in practice using the understanding that reality and our understanding of it are not the same thing. Our thinking and our statements become much more positive when we realize that we are constantly interpreting any information that enters our consciousness through the senses.

6. I translate negative into positive. Any negative statements (built through denial, talking about the absence of something), any explicit negations ("not", "but", "a"), doubts ("would") translate into positive (talking about the presence, existence, presence something). Let the interlocutors talk more about what they did, and not about what they did not do.

7. I translate into specifics. Any rhetorical questions should be translated into the form of a question, to which an answer can be given (or the statement can be translated from the form of a rhetorical question into the form of a statement). Indefinite indifferent indices and references ("this", "this", "these", "those", and so on) should be translated into specifics, even “he”, “she”, “they” or “those” should be replaced with specific names.

8. I share the fact and the attitude towards it (good-bad, effective-ineffective, beautiful-awful, and so on) to replace it with a description. That is, instead of expressing your attitude to the fact (assessment), you should describe the statement, the fact itself. Describing, we are trying to reflect the world as it is, we are trying (to the best of our ability) to fix the fact. We "try" because our options are limited. By evaluating, we show the meaning of something for us.

9. Talking about feelings. When I don't know what to say, but it is necessary to say something, I talk about my feelings. At the same time, it is also a powerful technique for getting out of pre-conflict and openly conflict situations. A sincere self-talk about feelings can remove many barriers in both personal and business communication.

10. I ask for feedback. A statement cannot be good or bad in and of itself. Any statement is, first of all, an impact (on another and / or on oneself), which means that the effectiveness of this impact can be monitored only in relation to the effect produced to the objectives of the impact. Therefore, ask more often "did I understand you correctly that …", keep in touch!

11. Listen effectively and give feedback. Listening effectively means using supportive, active, and empathic listening. In communication, listening to the interlocutor, we often nod, "uguk", repeat the end of the interlocutor's phrases, etc., thus letting him know that we are listening to him and thereby forcing him to tell further - this is supportive listening. Active listening is when we still allow ourselves to reinforce some important points in the interlocutor's speech, allow ourselves some interpretation of his words, repeating and displaying his phrases. Empathic listening is when we actually share the state of the interlocutor, understand him as if "from the inside".

The article appeared thanks to the works of Vadim Levkin, Nikolai Kozlov and Nossrat Pezeshkian.

Dmitry Dudalov